Monday Hangover: What a Nightmare

Lately I haven't been getting much sleep.

I keep having these reoccuring nightmares involving soccer matches, Brett Favre getting killed while Madden runs 10 feet for his life, That Guys, and Nickelback songs played on ESPN.

Shit. It all happened this week. Did Freddy and Jason kill the front office or something?

This week was the reverse opposite of last week's quadfecta with our 3 teams (Steelers play monday night) reaching a level of suck not yet discovered by scientists. Well except for the Cowboys, but then again Cowboys vs. Cardinals is like Kramer vs. the Kids in his Karate Class.

To the glass of Tang please.

....

Ok I'm awake. Now to the games.

And somewhere, I wonder if the 1976 Buccaneers have gathered and....oop! - Apperently at the NFL Mart today there was a buy one, get one free sale on Suck. It took a team with the equal or lesser value of suck as the Cleveland Browns to hand the Houston Texans their first win of the season and securing Dom Capers's job for at least the next three days. Once things went to a 7-7 game, both Cleveland and Houston knew that it wasn't going to go that way. As charter members of the NFL Sub (.500) Club, where after the other team punches your card for the 10th time the 11th loss is free, They adhered to the Sub Club rule that field goals win games. Not defense. Not touchdowns. Field goals. The remainder of this game had MLS scouts in attendance as Phil "Cleveland's Offense" Dawson and Kris "Can't kick worth a shit at Heinz Field" Brown combined for a total of 7 field goals, 3 and 4 respectively. Steelers thankfully play Sunday next week, so you lucky Pittsburghers don't have to spend time flipping channels from a Browns game back to the Sunday afternoon movie. The Mighty Texans 19, Aaron Shea and Phil Dawson 16

Does Gruden like window omelettes? - Because with Halloween tonight I have a strong feeling that he'll be eating a few that evening. The latest "As seen on TV" (literally) offense invention from the San Francisco 49ers is the Quarterback-Rotate-O-Matic as Ken Dorsey comes on down as the next contestant. The elderly lady with the teal "I heart Bob" shirt will have to wait for a bit. Unfortunately Dorsey was injured, and with the office dullard Alex Smith injured, Tim Rattay traded, who you gonna call? FOURTH STRINGERS! Cody Pickett from Franklin Heights Community College completed one pass and a run for a first down, in addition to a clutch tackle on special teams. The QB would've been better off playing defense anyways; he was not needed as Joe Nedney kicked 5 field goals for the SF win. To give you some idea of how bad this game was, Dorsey was 7/18, 40 yards, Pickett 1/1 for 10, and Tampa Bay's Chris Simms (in for injured Brian Griese, out for the season) with the lone game TD and 2 INTs. People in Tampa Bay and San Francisco were probably flipping channels between this game and the Jason movie marathon on Spike TV. This game left a bad, candy cornish taste in Tampa's mouth as they get upset stomached by the 49ers. Joe Nedney 15, Pirate Costumes 10

Cowboys beat up on Cardinals, Jerry Jones to dispense old guy candy - As if this week in the NFL wasn't scary enough, undrafted rookie Marion Barber (no relation or Tiki or Ronde, me thinks) ran for 127 yards and 2 TDs, only to get 404ed on ESPN.com (Editor's note: the link works now). It was also a not-so scary site to see Steelers preseason kicker Shawn...Sui....Sushiman? Swisher? Sushenbequiet......Suisanbeanthony? Oh wait, Shawn Suisham. Yes, the feature player for the Steelers in August, quarters 3 through 4, with possibly the coolest name outside of Fumatu Ma'afalaa. Suisham replaced the waived Jose "Smalls" Cortez who's pitching knuckleballs for Philadelphia as David Aikers recovers. All Arizona could handle was two field goals and a TD as Dallas hits up all the good houses and scores the Smarties. Oh, and also punches Arizona's Sub Club card. Next year for Halloween I'm coming dressed as a Cardinals fan. That is, if I remember to ask for paper instead of plastic. Cowboy Costume 34, Foam Rubber Cardinals menagerie 13

Most Worthless Player - If I were in a totally cynical mood today I would have just said "every team I covered this week." But even though I lost sleep over this column, We got plenty of nominees.
Fred Smoot of the Minnesota Vikings is nominee #1 for pregame trash talking to Carolina's Steve Smith, only to be absoschooled by Smith in Carolina's big win. Hey, there's this minty, burning smell coming from Minnesota. Smells like Icy Hot. Now can you dig that, stunta?
Washington Redskins are not MWP nominees this week because even though they were beat 36-0 by the Giants, they fall under the NFL motif of "superhuman game performances following personal tragedies."
Brett Favre however is nominee #2 this week for his 5 INTs and fake attempt at spiking the ball on the last play, in which the Green Bay receivers pulled the classic "Hands on Asses" play and did nothing while Favre had a classic "This isn't where I parked my car" moment throwing a forward pass. Green Bay is now tied with Houston. Now THAT'S scary.

Brett Favre would've won it this week had it not been for his lone fumble, picked up by:


That Guy from Cinncinatti, this week's MWP, Tenatively named "Hugh G. Douchebagzada" who stopped a game winning drive from Green Bay by running onto the field after a stoppage, taking the ball from Favre and running for 20 yards until tackled by security. His fantasy statline reads like this: 1 carry for 20 yards, 60 days in jail, 9/45 receiving on liquid containers to the face. Why do I have this feeling this is a sign of bad things to come for Cincinnatti? Who knows, they could have him in at running back for Green Bay next week.

Now THAT would be scary.

Gary Ashley is not a football columnist or sportswriter, however after this week he is currently trapped in the closet writing this column fearing for his life. Before he gets ax murdered by the Suck Demon of the NFL, he would like to say that he also does work for his site TM2 Productions and, if he gets out alive or finds a terrible towel soaked in holy water, will get out of this mess alive and write another edition of the Monday Hangover for next week.

Monday Hangover: Showing the W Face

A lot has happened since last Sunday with our four featured teams. Here's what happened within the week to catch you up to speed in the NFL:

-Steelers: Following Tommy Maddox's "random" and "unplanned" abduction and consequent exile, Big Ben is alive and well as Pittsburgh is reduced to Defcon 1. The Suck Alert color is Green. Maddox was english catapaulted out of the south end of Heinz Field, but was thrown wide right and landed into the Mon. Not even catapaults can hit it between the poles at the southside.

-Browns: Browns were watching tons of game film preparing for the return of their former quarterback/clusterfucker Jeff Garcia, who's game film included Fried Green Tomatoes and The Joy Luck Club. Garcia returned Sunday recovering from a broken leg by smearing Gay Ben...whoops...I mean Ben Gay on himself.

-49ers: DiCaprio, Hudson, you can let go now for the ship has sunk and Mike Nolan has fallen off the boat, doing a 3.5 Pike with half twist onto the propeller. The 49ers front office this week traded their QB that has won their only game this year, Tim Rattay. I'd invest in that freed capital in diapers; Alex Smith is going to be shitting his pants now.

-Cowboys: Cowboys had a good week. No one got arrested.

And it has been one very interesting week for the Minnesota Vikings. In the process of Jay Leno grilling them with 11 herbs and spices, this week they hired a former FBI agent to oversee the boat scandal. This was the backup plan, as Fred Smoot's recommended Bikini Inspector was not available at the time. This Sunday the Vikings prepared for the worst, being introduced as a team instead of individually to prevent a mass migration of boo birds. Instead, they got a standing O. Ironic, considering a few weeks earlier some of the players were getting a laying down O. Paul Edinger came on in the last play to kick a 56 yard field goal. It was long, straight, stiff, and OHHH GOD OHH OHH OHH SHIT ALMOST THERE plunk right between the le..posts to win it over Green Bay. they celebrated afterwards with a post game cigarette, while Green Bay woke up the next morning wondering what the hell they did Sunday.

To the games, please.

Krenn, Paulsen drop elbows on Herb and Johnny Fever - There's a reason why Steeler fans, and Hines Ward fans, love Hines Ward. When he scores touchdowns, he puts Icy Hot Stuntmen like Chad Johnson in their place. On a touchdown Sunday in Cinncinatti, Chad Johnson, the new assclown of the NFL, caught a touchdown pass against Pittsburgh and proceeded to Riverdance in the end zone afterwards. While Michael Flattley was about to ignite an Irish Spring-sized revolt against him, Cowher had a smile on his face. He threw the red flag. Symbolically it stopped the moment like Gunsmoke walking into a saloon. The referees review, touchdown called back. Hey Mr. Johnson, how about this for a touchdown dance? TAKE A BOW, YOU FUCKING GENIUS! Hines Ward later in the game caught a touchdown from Ben and proceeded to mock Johnson's touchdown victory celebration, only threeriversdancing in Cincy's end zone. If you do so remember Ward did the same in a game against the Eagles, making a mockery of the infamous "eagle flap" made earlier by Terrell Owens. I think other wide receivers are picking up on this. Ward's imitations and mockeries of touchdown dances are the new blue. WDVE 27, "The New" WKRP 13

He is Jeff Garcia, hear him roar - Wait, as a lion or a woman? Garcia returned to Detroit Sunday to play the Cleveland Browns. Judging from the game Garcia was never a fan of the doggy-style offense. Then again there was enough mediocrity in this game from Cleveland you swear someone paid for it in bulk at Sam's Club. Garcia was flaming hot this week throwing for 210 yards, meanwhile QB whore (but he's straight, ladies) Trent Dilfer was bedazzlered and rhinestoned by Detroit's defense, throwing 3 INTs. Josh Cribbs for Cleveland scored the lone TD, a 90 yard kickoff return, thus preventing the 3rd "Phil Dawson 3" score tag this season. That's a victory unto itself. Lions 13, Phil Dawson and Josh Cribbs 10

Glub Glub Glub Glub - That's the sound of the ship sinking outside of 3com. At this rate of descent they can find some wrecked Kayakage and foul balls. Fresh after Tim Rattay left the ship and stole the Kate Hudson artistic nudie scribbles, Alex Smith was forced to play the rap battle against Gibbs and the 'Skins. However, Gibbs was "All dup in da shizz" and booed the poor kid all the way back to the men's bathroom. Pretty much if you had the entire Redskins roster as your fantasy team, you won for the week. Clinton Portis: 3 TDs and a pair of cartwheels, something Hines Ward may or may not mock. Portis is a good guy and this was a rare occasion. Mark Brunell: 3 TDs, and would've attempted a backflip but it was safe he didn't. Santana Moss had a TD as well. As for the 49ers, Smith was 50% on his passes, a fumble, and one INT. Say Alex, I heard the weather in Frankfurt in July is beautiful. Gibbs and the 'Skins 52, Sinking Ship 17

Dallas Does the Choke of all Chokes - Copy and paste time! And it has been one very interesting week for the Dallas Cowboys. In the process of sneaking by the Giants last week, this week they went into Seattle for what should've been a snoozer. This was the backup plan, as it rained in Seattle and the balls were quite wet, shutting off Drew Bedsore's frequent passing. This Sunday the Cowboys prepared for the worst, being introduced as choke artists instead of winning football games by the least embarrasing means possible. Instead, while setting up for a game winning field goal in the 4th quarter, Drew Bedsore was picked off and Seattle returned it to field goal territory. Ironic, considering a few weeks earlier about the same level of embarassment happened in Washington. Josh Brown came on in the last play to kick a 50 yard field goal. It was long, straight, stiff, and OHHH GOD OHH OHH OHH SHIT ALMOST THERE plunk right between the le..posts to win it over Dallas. They celebrated afterwards with a post game cigarette, while Dallas woke up the next morning wondering who the hell is going to get fired by Jerry Jones. Glass of water, Dallas? Frasier 13, Heimlich Manuver 10

Most Worthless Player: This week is a tie between Drew Bedsore's game losing interception, which if he played for Pittsburgh he would be exiled, and the San Francisco Front Office for trading Tim Rattay. If it's a rebuilding year in San Francisco, then they're building it out of billiard balls.

And finally since the Steelers won and Cowboys, Browns, 49ers lost, and with the Pats on a bye, I consider this week to be a Hangover Quadfecta. Go celebrate with a beer.

BONEFACE: Campus of Fear

Recent college freshman Trixy Cavanaugh (Lindsay Wright, Grease, Godspell) has just entered the adventurous and scary experience of life at Emerald State University. Strangely her past has continued to haunt her from a few years ago. Boneface: Campus of Fear also features the acting talents of Greg Gushard (One Flew Over the Cookoo's Nest) and Kyle Bradley (Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat).

This film is produced by Gary Ashley (writer/director), Nick Lumley (Cinematographer), and Jeremy McCann (sound/lighting/editing).

NOW PLAYING AT

www.tm2productions.tk

download directions:

1) Click the Boneface link on the main page. This will lead you to a Rapidshare page. This is normal.

2) scroll down and press the Free button.

3) wait until the download link appears. left click to play, right click "save target as" to download.

Monday Hangover: Sex and Football Do Not Mix

Guys.

If there's anything knowledge I wish to pass on to you for life from this column of football, it is this.

Only make love to one thing at a time.

Case in point, the Minnesota Vikings. Apperent allegations have started after cornerback Fred Smoot (and all his Smooty material) chartered a boat last week with other Viking players, Gilligan, the Professor, and Ginger and her 20 hot friends for a 3 hour tour of their lushious bodies. In fact, I think this is how the Skipper of the boat called it:

Well, sit right back and you'll hear a tale
A tale of a boating trip
That's started by the Viking men
aboard a party ship
Fred Smoot was the mighty horny man,
the kicker quite unsure,
Ten Vikings partied hard that night, with a $3 whore, a $3 whore....
The sex had started getting rough,
the salad surely tossed,
Had it not been for the abrupted end the Vikings would be lost;
Ron Mexico at the cost

So this sunday,

The team took ground on the foreign land of Chicago's playing style,
with Dante's, Inteceptions: 2,
Minnesota, a team in strife,
a Porno Star, an embarassing and troubling week, losing 28-3!

Lesson learned: you can make love to the football, you can make love to a woman, but you can never do both.

To the games please.

It's funny, but since we lost Benny, we've gone to the ozer extreme. - Frequent Hangover reader Doug Beasock asked for a song from Joseph (www.rmu.edu/theatre Nov 9-13th get tickets now) to be in this week's write up and he got his wish. Do you get this feeling that things are awry in Pittsburgh when we want the backup's backup in? Tommy Maddox made a less-than stellar Steller return Sunday as they were sadly trounced by one hour of CBS's Tuesday night lineup. In overtime. With an INT returned for the Jag-winning touchdown. Man it was a rough week for PA sports. Well, besides Pitt winning but who noticed? Maddox was playing more and more like his XFL days, and much like that league his game was defunct and a total loss. 3 INTs, one for the game winner for Jacksonville in OT, and suddenly everyone's shitting in your cereal. Cheer up, Pittsburgh. New England lost today.

2005 Jacksonville 23, 2002 Steelers 17

If Butch Hannah is on your fantasy team, you're screwed - Butch Hannah being the line judge injured with a sprained knee ligament after colliding with Baltimore receiver Tood Heap Heaphop Heaphopanonamous. You see referees are people too, and the sports blooper video is always fun until the referee gets legitimately hurt. Which in this case, he did. In other news this game was over before you got there as Cleveland QB Trent Dilfer fumbled twice, picked twice, scratched three times and coughed once. Ray Lewis channeled the spirit of Home Alone and (in PC terms) defended the property in which they claims living ownership of. But instead of tar on steps, stepping on christmas decorations, or shooting Daniel Stern in the face with a BB gun, they chose to play some defense and do the occasional tape dubbing to scare the bizzlejizzles out of Cleveland. Cleveland on the other hand channeled the spirit of Home Alone 3 and were soon forgotten at the second half. Dontcha just hate sequels? Keep the change, you filthy animal.

Macauley Culkin (age 9) 16, Phil Dawson 3

Dallas wins in OT, Jerry Jones does not pay time and a half - The NY Giants, much like the Vikings on the bangboat, will have a lingering taste of tuna for the next few days. But thankfully it was more of an honorable defeat instead of a sexual hangover where Chicago did all the work while Minnesota just layed there. Ok I promise that's the last I'll pick on 'Sota this week. Back to the homecoming game. This one also went into OT but without a really sucktacular finish. Just your standard "win the coin toss, march down the field, kick the field goal, and drive around looking for a place to eat that's still open" overtime game. Jose "Smalls" Cortez probably took a look at this book and kicked 3 field goals including the game winner. Ahh, that Smalls is a good man. It's always glad to see a former MWP pull through in a game like that. And with all the chili dished out from last week Jerry Jones had to cut the overtime pay. If that's the case I wonder what the christmas bonus will be. Mmm....I can taste that jelly right now, each and every month.

Fresh Tuna from Dallas 16, Expired Tuna from NY 13

Most Worthless Player - Between Dilfer's 4 turnovers, Maddox's 3 INTs, Houston giving up 320 yards rushing, and Fred Smoot's libido, I would have to go with the hometown exile of Tommy Maddox. better fire up the flux capacitator and set it to 2003 if you're going to have a chance next week.

and for the 3 three weeks expect the Vikings to be severely grilled by Leno monologues.

If you are looking for a football sports column that is fair, balanced, and accurate, you have come to the wrong place. The Monday Hangover is a football column that examines 4 NFL teams (Steelers, Browns, 49ers, and Cowboys) as well as the general happenings around the league that week. Gary Ashley is a comedy writer and media producer for his site TM2 Productions and writes the Monday Hangover on his blog every Sunday night/Monday morning.

Monday Hangover (that lasted too damn long): Questionable

My deepest apologizes for this week's delayed update. The true reason as to why this column, for one week only, crashed and burned all the way into Wednesday is because of one reason: Sunday I was devoided of all things football. Well, that and 5 hours of play practice followed by 4 hours of filming equals about a 10 minute slow crawl from the bathroom back to the dorm room. Filming continued Tuesday night as well, and I was planning on writing the Hangover for Monday but I needed some football in me. Thus, as a treat for you loyal readers, I will be covering the Steelers this week.

"Questionable". An injury status that is much like the fine edge of a quarter used to scratch lottery tickets. Depending on the person you have "he's gonna play today, but just not as well" or "He's not gonna play today, we're all screwed." A quick comparison of three quarterbacks in the league and the local reaction to each.

First, Steve McNair. When McNair gets injured it's a lot like the car you're taking to the prom with your date breaks down and you have to take mom's car. This is not from experience; I never went to a prom. But much like the car itself, McNair gets taken to the auto mechanic, stays there for a few weeks while a part comes in, gets the tires rotated and back on the road..err..field.

Second, Byron Leftwich. This being the most obvious quarterback to have a sandwich named after him. Then again, I'd probably and die on the low-carb "Tom Brady Meat Stack". Byron is a guy that if his arm gets broken, he will throw the ball with his mouth. Torn ACL? Segway on the field. Concussion? Have the running back call his number and pass. Byron Leftwich sadly in 10 years will be the new Steve McNair, sad as it sounds. We can rebuild him, we have the technology.

Lastly, Brett Favre. Madden dies in his arms tonight. Jeez. Must've been something I said.

ok, onto the games for this week, in case you've been devoid of football like myself since Sunday:

Cleveland wakes up, grabs a brush and puts on a little makeup, wonders why they put the keys upon the table - Well, that's because they wanted to. Cleveland and Chicago had a bit of the Soccer match hangover from last week by starting off with field goals. That all changed in the second half when both teams decided that one can use their arms to score points. Cleveland celebrates by breaking out a Drew Carey dance number, and as for Chicago, they'll need more hula skirt. DAAAA BEARS.

Cleveland 20, AC Bears Milan 10

Alex Smith, no matter how much you ask Mr. Dungy, you're not getting it back - Step on up Gary to the Wheel-O-Reference! spin spin spin DING! Looks like it's a bonus round kids. "Reference this game to The Sandlot." You got it. Tony Dungy is comparable to James Earl Jones in that film. Really a nice guy. Just has a lot of rumors on how crazy his D-shaped Fence is, with his 102 year old dog. Alex Smith is Smalls. No, not the kicker reference, not for this one. You see Alex Smith throws 4 balls this fine autumn afternoon over the D-fence. and you guessed it, they're not coming back. I don't care if you lower Hambino in there. I don't care if you build some elaborate Erector crane. You're done for. Of course you could always ask Mr. Dungy in person. Well, maybe with a win in return. Welcome to Verizon, bitch.

Dungy and Hercules 28, The San Fran Sucklot 3

Philadelphia, let me clear my throat - Dallas gargled, rinsed, learned CPR, heimliched, and gargled some more and finally got that choking feeling out of their throat. Or maybe Jerry Jones served up some "straight from hell" chili (now with 20% more hell!) as a way to counterattack Donovan's Mom and the Chunky soup. That shit's cursed by superstition. The Chunky soup, not the chili. ok maybe both but I dunno. Of course the chili didn't sit well on the sidelines with Drew Bledsoe and Keyshawn Johnson, mainly after Bledsoe gave him a nice verbal jack johnsoning on the sideline. Have some rolaids, Drew. Just give him the damn ball next time.

Mumbo Gumbo 33, Chicken and Stars 10

Monday Nighter: Steelers win, Ben hurt, Pittsburgh on Defcon 5, Myron Cope moved to undisclosed location - Here's the cliffnotes, college kids:
Pittsburgh does not fear the shocker.
Ahh....San Diego....I believe it's Pittsburghese for "Yinz guys suck."
I would like to express the emotions of Ben's injury in a 13 year old internet instant message: "OMG BEN S HRT!"
and finally, I think with Madden calling the game Pittsburghers are still aiking to the entertaining sound of Myron Cope. However Bill Hillgrove and Tunch Ilken will do nicely also. With 40% less Turduckening.

Steelers 24, The Retro Shocker 22

Most Worthless Player - Alex Smith with 4 INTs against Indianapolis. Honorable mention goes to New Orleans Saints defense for allowing 52 points against the All-Madden team..shit..I mean Packers.

Monday Hangover: Bye Week Blues

Checking the schedule after last week's writeup, I felt a small amount of worry on the lack of content for this week, as two of the four covered teams for this week (Steelers and Browns) are on byes for this week. Thankfully the NFL does not stop because two teams on are byes, and the same goes for this column as well.

and with that said, let's start the show with a little Anchorman humor.

Ahhh.....San Diego.....I believe it's German for "Tom Brady's Vagina." With the home winning streak snapped by The Shockers, suddenly world hunger, AIDS, cancer, and that bumpy stuff that was on Kordell Stewart's face will all be cured. Apperently in New England gym class was cancelled because of a lice outbreak in the nurse's office. I'm telling ya, Josh Miller is the smelly kid. Key notes: 21-game home streak snapped, most points given up in the Bill Belechek era (41 points), and whatever Scott Van Pelt is telling me right now at this point. What matters the most is that the Patriots lose. Is this a good thing? Bigger question: Do rocks sink in the ocean? With the Patriots being succumbed to the Shocker, which Tom Brady is scared of until he tries it, It puts them at .500 and the Steelers a half game back of them. Half games mean nothing in football, however. Looking at the bigger picture the Steelers are down 2.5 games to Cinncinatti Ice with a perfect 4-0. Cowher's gotta be wondering what they're playing up there at WKRP. San Diego 41, Pathetriots 17

Now onto the regular scores this week.

Cowboys acquire gallery space for *COUGH*CHOKE*COUGH* artists - The team that gave up two quick TDs against the Redskins that lead to their 3-0 start. Today Dallas gives another choke to another team showing the 0 face: The Oakland Raiders. No not O as in Oakland, I mean O as in 0-3. And of course in true Cowboy fashion, Dallas gives up Oakland's first win. With that, that makes Who-ston as the only winless team, and if they win next week the alumni of the '76 Bucs can crack the champagne. Yes Chris Berman would announce that in an alternative universe. Getting back to the game the stats showed some level of eveness, well except for not converting on the very last Cowboys posession and Oakland's 4 field goals. Jeez, is today's theme the soccer match? Petty Larceners 19, "Thomas Kincade choking on a Croissant" 13

NFL Spring Break 2006 (with just about the same amount of arrests as a regular NFL season) - This should be a whole nother entry right here. Difficulty: not using stereotypes. Mike Patrick of ESPN said that the Niners/Cardinals game in Mexico City was "called by some to be the Mexican Super Bowl." And it's sad that the largest attendance record for an NFL game at well over 100,000 was between San Francisco and Arizona. Apperently both teams were so bad that the NFL didn't want them playing in the US. Mexico really likes their soccer and they got plenty of it tonight. Every kickoff: touchback, back of the end zone. Punts: 7 from SF. Field goals: 6 from Arizona kicker Neil Rackers. Now let's pop quiz it for a second: where was SF's offense tonight? A) Playbook not Bablefished in Mexico B) Didn't go through customs C) Tim Rattay drank the water D) Busy keeping their gauchos warm. If you said any of the above, have a $2 Corona (Reedy's "funny but true" explanation for the high attendance.) Also in the game Josh "not Cade" McNown threw for 2 TDs which lead to the Spanish announcer's 5 minute long "GOOOOOOOAAAAAALLLLLL!!!!" speech. Now I'll have to reset the time machine for 1998 to return that joke. Oh by the way SF, check your voice mail and see if you answered Arizona's 31 points cause I think you were probably busy playing Cellphone QB Challenge, the challenge being finding a good QB. This game was a car crash, a train wreck, an episode of Big Brother, and a 38 F bra size all rolled into one: couldn't help but look. You would give Neil Rackers kiss if he were on soccer team. Cardenales de la mediocridad 31, El que aspira el la mayoría 14

Most Worthless Player - Matt Cassel, New England Patriots. Yes I shouldn't be picking on you because you only threw 4 times. I'm picking on you and the Pathetriots. Cassel was 2/4 with 1 INT that was returned for a TD. Boy, better hope Tom Brady stays healthly.

Monday Night Preview

We're not done yet. Tomarrow night Green Bay plays on Monday Night Football and that can only mean one thing: Unbearable Aural Sex from John Madden to Brett Favre. I have composed a list of rules to be used with any alcoholic beverage of choice in order to make it through all 4 quarters. Rules as follows, only to apply during the game:


#1 John Madden compliments Brett Favre - 1 drink
#1a Madden compliments him and Green Bay is losing at the time - 2 drinks
#1b Brett Favre is not in the game at the time of said compliment - 3 drinks

#2 Brett Favre is the Horse Trailer Player of the Game- Finish Contents

#3 Madden gets into a "3rd quarter conversation" (example: talking about something not currently relevant to football) - 5 drinks
#3a explanation of said anecdote or fact goes more than 4 plays - 8 drinks
#3b Al Michaels tries really hard to maintain interest of said anecdote - Finish Contents

#4 Madden telestrates an offense play for Green Bay - 1 drink for every line or circle drawn
#4a Madden uses the telestrator for something not related to a play in the game - 1.5 drinks for every line or circle drawn

#5 Streaker or major stoppage of play* - Finish Contents
*does not count challenged plays

#6 Reference to any Madden-endorsed products on the air by Madden or Michaels(Tinactin, Ace Hardware, EA Sports, Outback Steakhouse) - 2 drinks

#7 Yell at the TV for Madden to shut the hell up - 1 drink for that person

*Insert Poison Control Hotline Number Here*

Gary Ashley is not a professional sports writer or paid football columnist. He is the Brian Fellow to the ESPNs and SIs of the world. His column "The Monday Hangover" updates every Monday and covers the Sunday games of the Steelers, Browns, Cowboys, and 49ers in addition to regular happenings around the league. He writes for his blog "Behind the Mayhem" and also does work for his comedy site "TM2 Productions" available at www.tm2productions.tk