The week America went more stupider.
If they ever run some BS scientific study in the near future on which calendar month do people act the least intelligent, I would place my money on June. Think about it, it's the first month of the year where the temperature goes from comfortable to "I want a building with air conditioning." The average person outside of a warmer state (which explains why Fark.com has it's own "Florida" tag) has their dumb moments sparsely year round. But this week alone took it in like a crane game grabbing a sofa.
1) Paris Hilton (which I will hereby refer to with a national capital/hotel chain combination, or simply as "YOU WHORE!") was released from jail today and will serve out her 45 day prison sentence under house arrest at her lavish, multi-million dollar home. The exact reason according to L.A. Police was that she "contracted a rash", something she has done plenty of times at various clubs in the men's bathroom. 45 days without leaving her house and I bet London Comfort Inn is like "OMG I SO BOOORRRED THIS HOUSE DOESN'T HAVE A CLUB!" Meanwhile a man is serving a 6 year prison sentence for posession of marijuana IN prison. I'm not advocating the legalization of weed, I'm advocating the possession of weed by YOU WHORE so she gets a longer prison sentence, this time IN prison. By the way, does anyone notice that "rehab" said backwards is "bar" with a heavy Boston accent? Once they get her for the probation violation, maybe next they can jail her for not changing facial expressions.
2) America's Got Talent on NBC is a crock of shit. There. I said it. The show is a bastard, one night stand unplanned lovechild of Star Search and American Idol. Does anyone find it completely defeating that a show, which aim is to find the most talented people in the United States, is being judged by two British people and David Hasselhoff, who had a musical career in Germany? Not too mention the show this year is hosted by Jerry Springer, who's talk show was named the worst show on television by TV Guide a couple years ago. If you think about most every talent-based reality competition out there, the judges follow this simple format:
-The Homeboy: The macho male judge who gets along with everyone
-The Diva: A former star who's had a hard life after being the spotlight. Is contractually forced to walk out of an audition at the protest of:
-The Britain: The bluntly-honest dickpunch of the trio
-The Mark McGrath: The celebrity guest judge who serves zero purpose in the outcome. Is usually played by Mark McGrath.
With this format it's lopsided because Sharon Osbourne is both a Diva and a Britain. When Simon insults someone on American Idol, it's deserved. When the Britain (Niels something I don't know who) on America's Got Talent insults an 8 year old kid on stage, that's just not right. I don't come to your son's Cricket games and chuck raisins at him. The only way we can counteract this is to send American modeling judges to the UK for "Britain's Got a Perfect Smile."
3) It's a great sign of the week when the new limited edition Oreos come out in stores, yet this time I think they're insulting our milk-plunging intelligence. They released "Oreo Dunkers," which are Oreos that are more rectangular in nature in comparison to the usual circular form. But the idiot part of the cookie, the cream filling if you will, is the cookie pictured on the front of the packaging which reads "Milk This Way" with down arrows. Has it really fallen to this point where we need directions as to the proper end to DUNK A FRICKIN COOKIE!? "Hmm, I'm not sure which side to put this Oreo in, I mean it is circular but there's so many angles" OH COME ON! This had to be a plea from parent groups because they ran some statistic like two people die each year from Oreo dunking-related deaths. Stick that in your 'pedia, Wiki.
Give it a few years. Someone's gonna build a respirator out of Legos. But the way this week is going, someone's building an automatic cookie dunker during her jail time while looking at shoes and guys online.
That's Hot. or Not.
1) Paris Hilton (which I will hereby refer to with a national capital/hotel chain combination, or simply as "YOU WHORE!") was released from jail today and will serve out her 45 day prison sentence under house arrest at her lavish, multi-million dollar home. The exact reason according to L.A. Police was that she "contracted a rash", something she has done plenty of times at various clubs in the men's bathroom. 45 days without leaving her house and I bet London Comfort Inn is like "OMG I SO BOOORRRED THIS HOUSE DOESN'T HAVE A CLUB!" Meanwhile a man is serving a 6 year prison sentence for posession of marijuana IN prison. I'm not advocating the legalization of weed, I'm advocating the possession of weed by YOU WHORE so she gets a longer prison sentence, this time IN prison. By the way, does anyone notice that "rehab" said backwards is "bar" with a heavy Boston accent? Once they get her for the probation violation, maybe next they can jail her for not changing facial expressions.
2) America's Got Talent on NBC is a crock of shit. There. I said it. The show is a bastard, one night stand unplanned lovechild of Star Search and American Idol. Does anyone find it completely defeating that a show, which aim is to find the most talented people in the United States, is being judged by two British people and David Hasselhoff, who had a musical career in Germany? Not too mention the show this year is hosted by Jerry Springer, who's talk show was named the worst show on television by TV Guide a couple years ago. If you think about most every talent-based reality competition out there, the judges follow this simple format:
-The Homeboy: The macho male judge who gets along with everyone
-The Diva: A former star who's had a hard life after being the spotlight. Is contractually forced to walk out of an audition at the protest of:
-The Britain: The bluntly-honest dickpunch of the trio
-The Mark McGrath: The celebrity guest judge who serves zero purpose in the outcome. Is usually played by Mark McGrath.
With this format it's lopsided because Sharon Osbourne is both a Diva and a Britain. When Simon insults someone on American Idol, it's deserved. When the Britain (Niels something I don't know who) on America's Got Talent insults an 8 year old kid on stage, that's just not right. I don't come to your son's Cricket games and chuck raisins at him. The only way we can counteract this is to send American modeling judges to the UK for "Britain's Got a Perfect Smile."
3) It's a great sign of the week when the new limited edition Oreos come out in stores, yet this time I think they're insulting our milk-plunging intelligence. They released "Oreo Dunkers," which are Oreos that are more rectangular in nature in comparison to the usual circular form. But the idiot part of the cookie, the cream filling if you will, is the cookie pictured on the front of the packaging which reads "Milk This Way" with down arrows. Has it really fallen to this point where we need directions as to the proper end to DUNK A FRICKIN COOKIE!? "Hmm, I'm not sure which side to put this Oreo in, I mean it is circular but there's so many angles" OH COME ON! This had to be a plea from parent groups because they ran some statistic like two people die each year from Oreo dunking-related deaths. Stick that in your 'pedia, Wiki.
Give it a few years. Someone's gonna build a respirator out of Legos. But the way this week is going, someone's building an automatic cookie dunker during her jail time while looking at shoes and guys online.
That's Hot. or Not.
Labels: American Icy Hot, Oreos, YOU WHORE
posted by Gary at
10:17 PM
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
Subscribe to Post Comments [Atom]
<< Home