MarineSpace

As reported earlier World War III has begun, according to FOX News, Newt Gingrich, and The O RLY? Owl. With this new war arising in Lebanon, and the wars in Iraq and the forgotten country of Afghanistan, not too mention the unpopularity of those in charge of such affairs, it leaves the armed services in a troubled situation to find new recruits.

I will go on record saying that if you belong to the armed services I have no problem with that. However, it is a sad state of affairs that recruitment offices have become the next telemarketer to males and females ages 18 to 25. As an example, an army recruiter followed me around for 20 minutes in a shopping mall. At a job fair on campus, the recruiter said "I bet you could fly that [model] Apache helicopter right there."

I can't even drive a stick.

What the armed services have done is look towards alternative methods of recruitment. A few months ago the Air Force was recruiting members at motorcross shows across the country, and you could just imagine the radio and TV spots for Air Force Moto X. The Marines have gone one step beyond that and have looked to the biggest social network on the Internet to date, MySpace. According to this news article The Marines have already gained 12,000 friend adds and potential leads to recruits through the massive 94 million users on MySpace.

But I don't think The Marines know what they're getting into with their recruits, when you consider a substantial portion of MySpace users are these kids:



Emo Kids. To those still in the 1990s kick, just think of them as "Not Scary Goth Kids." The reason for their disdain to others with a self-esteem is they're love of depressing rock music and lack of ass wearing girl pants. No seriously, from a totally hetero stance Emo guys have no ass.

So The Marines have gone and given what this young hip and new generation needs: an army of Emo kids, or should I say "The Emorines". The idea sounds horrible, but I think this is a positive to this and by all means note the irony. What The Emorines may lack in physical skill and killer instinct they thrive in non-violent protests, acoustic guitar playing, and hating their parents. Of course the main problems would be the heat generated from all-black clothing and the loss of vision by having their hair over one eye constantly. In addition, soldier morale would be at a CONSTANT all-time low unless the USO Tour arrives with crappy punk/emo/screamo/Devo bands that all sound the same. The frequent cries for help and suicide scribblings in the back of notebooks would sadly turn The Emorines into a walking group of mortar shell catchers.

No wait scratch that. Emo kids aren't that great in sports, so we'll make that attempted mortar shell catchers.

Now I may have offended many in this post by going off and stereotyping and labeling many of these kids. But I say this: depression is not cool. Being a downer in life is not cool. I put up with users on MySpace that dress and take pictures exactly the same and say the same depressing shit over and over again. Do us all a favor, and either cheer the fuck up or get a set and actually kill yourself.

Your life could be a whole lot worse. Just ask The Marines in combat.

World War 3....or 4.....or 12.

It's times like this where I'm glad I do not watch or subscribe to cable television.

If you have been following the recent conflicts in Beirut (also called Beer Pong in most colleges), Lebanon between Hezbolla and Israel and all the madness of evacuations and violence there, then you'll know that it's turned into a bit of a conflict. Then again, leave it up to the ever popular news outlet of FOX news and former Speaker of the House Newt "30 pounds heavier" Gingrich to blow the situation out of proportion by declaring it our next World War.

According to them, the "World" part in "World War" means "Middle East, USA, and Britain". Just because it's a conflict doesn't mean it's going to turn into the next major superfight with a ressurected Hitler and Saddam Hussein pulling out musical numbers with the devil. No wait, that was the South Park movie. My bad.

Here's videos of their comments from The Colbert Report, with Stephen "Our Next F***ING Vice President" throwing down the rhetorical smackdown:



Now of course words can't describe my immediate feelings to these comments. Thereby, I have put into visual perspective the comments made by FOX News and Newt "50 pounds dumber" Gingrich that summarizes their message:

Snakes on a Motherfarking Rock

Fun Science with Dr. Science returns with the Pennsylvania fireworks extravaganza. For those unaware, explosive fireworks are illegal in PA thus the residents get shafted with wussy supermarket fireworks that have little to no explosive power. The firework of choice for this video is the charcoal snake.

This video involves a buncha bystanders and a designated Timmy and was an impromptu video opportunity at a cookout mom had with a few of her friends.

I'm glad I'm not you, Eddie Griffin.

Right now at this moment I am fighting a bad case of tonsilitis coupled with sinus pain, a loss of voice, and a rigorous schedule of various antibiotics and pills to kick this.

But it could be worse.

I could be Eddie Griffin.

Eddie Griffin is a center that plays for the NBA's Minnesota Timberwolves. This season in 70 games he averaged 4.6 Points Per Game and 6 double-doubles while collecting a handsome salary no less. All of that pales in comparision to this news story about him that I came across today.

"The date was March 30, and Eddie Griffin crashed his car into a parked vehicle just outside of the Timberwolves home arena, the Target Center." Ok, now that's the plain coated, not-newsworthy version. Now let's add some details:

1) Griffin was driving his luxury Cadilliac Escalade SUV at the time, meaning the stereotyper was instantly at the scene

2) Griffin had been intoxicated while driving

3) He was driving without a license

4) He had pornographic DVD videos playing in the car and was watching it while driving and intoxicated

5) Forgot to mention he was also "Feeding the Duck" in the process.

So now, the extra heavy, total newsworthy version of the above headline:
"The date was March 30, and Eddie Griffin while under the influence of alcohol and watching pornographic video in his car and masturbating to it, crashed his luxury SUV into a parked vehicle just outside of the Timberwolves home arena, the Target Center."

Somewhere the ghost of Wilt Chamberlein just wrote "ho-smack Eddie Griffin for not getting poonany" on his afterlife to-do list. Wilt's probably thinking "damn, Steve Kerr didn't need no booze with an SUV of porn to get some. Mothafucka got married and had world championships. That wankaman's a few empty Roy Rogers bags away from having the pathetic apartment on wheels."

Complicating this situation are the two police officers that arrived at the accident and failed to administer a breathlizer test but took Mr. Griffin to his house in St. Paul rather than the police station. He was however fined for driving without a license and inattentive driving. I think it was simply a policeman's dilemma of when you find a criminal that pulls off something so inhumanly stupid or awesome that you simply can't do anything about it. Foot chase ends with a robber falling 40 feet into a dumpster, getting out and walking away? That's a bit amazing. Arriving to find Eddie Griffin half-sans-pants watching Big Booty Ho's Volume 12 while reeking of Henny? I think you'd leave that up to the Timberwolves Public Relations people.

So once again, no matter how badly your life may suck right now for the short term or long term, at least you can be proud that you did not pull a massive boner like this one. Though Mr. Griffin did well in advance.

In other news, here's video of Stephen A. Smith getting heckled from the NBA Draft. Quite frankly, the best part is when he eats Cheesy Doodles FROM THE BAG.