Monday Hangover (that lasted too damn long): Questionable
My deepest apologizes for this week's delayed update. The true reason as to why this column, for one week only, crashed and burned all the way into Wednesday is because of one reason: Sunday I was devoided of all things football. Well, that and 5 hours of play practice followed by 4 hours of filming equals about a 10 minute slow crawl from the bathroom back to the dorm room. Filming continued Tuesday night as well, and I was planning on writing the Hangover for Monday but I needed some football in me. Thus, as a treat for you loyal readers, I will be covering the Steelers this week.
"Questionable". An injury status that is much like the fine edge of a quarter used to scratch lottery tickets. Depending on the person you have "he's gonna play today, but just not as well" or "He's not gonna play today, we're all screwed." A quick comparison of three quarterbacks in the league and the local reaction to each.
First, Steve McNair. When McNair gets injured it's a lot like the car you're taking to the prom with your date breaks down and you have to take mom's car. This is not from experience; I never went to a prom. But much like the car itself, McNair gets taken to the auto mechanic, stays there for a few weeks while a part comes in, gets the tires rotated and back on the road..err..field.
Second, Byron Leftwich. This being the most obvious quarterback to have a sandwich named after him. Then again, I'd probably and die on the low-carb "Tom Brady Meat Stack". Byron is a guy that if his arm gets broken, he will throw the ball with his mouth. Torn ACL? Segway on the field. Concussion? Have the running back call his number and pass. Byron Leftwich sadly in 10 years will be the new Steve McNair, sad as it sounds. We can rebuild him, we have the technology.
Lastly, Brett Favre. Madden dies in his arms tonight. Jeez. Must've been something I said.
ok, onto the games for this week, in case you've been devoid of football like myself since Sunday:
Cleveland wakes up, grabs a brush and puts on a little makeup, wonders why they put the keys upon the table - Well, that's because they wanted to. Cleveland and Chicago had a bit of the Soccer match hangover from last week by starting off with field goals. That all changed in the second half when both teams decided that one can use their arms to score points. Cleveland celebrates by breaking out a Drew Carey dance number, and as for Chicago, they'll need more hula skirt. DAAAA BEARS.
Cleveland 20, AC Bears Milan 10
Alex Smith, no matter how much you ask Mr. Dungy, you're not getting it back - Step on up Gary to the Wheel-O-Reference! spin spin spin DING! Looks like it's a bonus round kids. "Reference this game to The Sandlot." You got it. Tony Dungy is comparable to James Earl Jones in that film. Really a nice guy. Just has a lot of rumors on how crazy his D-shaped Fence is, with his 102 year old dog. Alex Smith is Smalls. No, not the kicker reference, not for this one. You see Alex Smith throws 4 balls this fine autumn afternoon over the D-fence. and you guessed it, they're not coming back. I don't care if you lower Hambino in there. I don't care if you build some elaborate Erector crane. You're done for. Of course you could always ask Mr. Dungy in person. Well, maybe with a win in return. Welcome to Verizon, bitch.
Dungy and Hercules 28, The San Fran Sucklot 3
Philadelphia, let me clear my throat - Dallas gargled, rinsed, learned CPR, heimliched, and gargled some more and finally got that choking feeling out of their throat. Or maybe Jerry Jones served up some "straight from hell" chili (now with 20% more hell!) as a way to counterattack Donovan's Mom and the Chunky soup. That shit's cursed by superstition. The Chunky soup, not the chili. ok maybe both but I dunno. Of course the chili didn't sit well on the sidelines with Drew Bledsoe and Keyshawn Johnson, mainly after Bledsoe gave him a nice verbal jack johnsoning on the sideline. Have some rolaids, Drew. Just give him the damn ball next time.
Mumbo Gumbo 33, Chicken and Stars 10
Monday Nighter: Steelers win, Ben hurt, Pittsburgh on Defcon 5, Myron Cope moved to undisclosed location - Here's the cliffnotes, college kids:
Pittsburgh does not fear the shocker.
Ahh....San Diego....I believe it's Pittsburghese for "Yinz guys suck."
I would like to express the emotions of Ben's injury in a 13 year old internet instant message: "OMG BEN S HRT!"
and finally, I think with Madden calling the game Pittsburghers are still aiking to the entertaining sound of Myron Cope. However Bill Hillgrove and Tunch Ilken will do nicely also. With 40% less Turduckening.
Steelers 24, The Retro Shocker 22
Most Worthless Player - Alex Smith with 4 INTs against Indianapolis. Honorable mention goes to New Orleans Saints defense for allowing 52 points against the All-Madden team..shit..I mean Packers.
"Questionable". An injury status that is much like the fine edge of a quarter used to scratch lottery tickets. Depending on the person you have "he's gonna play today, but just not as well" or "He's not gonna play today, we're all screwed." A quick comparison of three quarterbacks in the league and the local reaction to each.
First, Steve McNair. When McNair gets injured it's a lot like the car you're taking to the prom with your date breaks down and you have to take mom's car. This is not from experience; I never went to a prom. But much like the car itself, McNair gets taken to the auto mechanic, stays there for a few weeks while a part comes in, gets the tires rotated and back on the road..err..field.
Second, Byron Leftwich. This being the most obvious quarterback to have a sandwich named after him. Then again, I'd probably and die on the low-carb "Tom Brady Meat Stack". Byron is a guy that if his arm gets broken, he will throw the ball with his mouth. Torn ACL? Segway on the field. Concussion? Have the running back call his number and pass. Byron Leftwich sadly in 10 years will be the new Steve McNair, sad as it sounds. We can rebuild him, we have the technology.
Lastly, Brett Favre. Madden dies in his arms tonight. Jeez. Must've been something I said.
ok, onto the games for this week, in case you've been devoid of football like myself since Sunday:
Cleveland wakes up, grabs a brush and puts on a little makeup, wonders why they put the keys upon the table - Well, that's because they wanted to. Cleveland and Chicago had a bit of the Soccer match hangover from last week by starting off with field goals. That all changed in the second half when both teams decided that one can use their arms to score points. Cleveland celebrates by breaking out a Drew Carey dance number, and as for Chicago, they'll need more hula skirt. DAAAA BEARS.
Cleveland 20, AC Bears Milan 10
Alex Smith, no matter how much you ask Mr. Dungy, you're not getting it back - Step on up Gary to the Wheel-O-Reference! spin spin spin DING! Looks like it's a bonus round kids. "Reference this game to The Sandlot." You got it. Tony Dungy is comparable to James Earl Jones in that film. Really a nice guy. Just has a lot of rumors on how crazy his D-shaped Fence is, with his 102 year old dog. Alex Smith is Smalls. No, not the kicker reference, not for this one. You see Alex Smith throws 4 balls this fine autumn afternoon over the D-fence. and you guessed it, they're not coming back. I don't care if you lower Hambino in there. I don't care if you build some elaborate Erector crane. You're done for. Of course you could always ask Mr. Dungy in person. Well, maybe with a win in return. Welcome to Verizon, bitch.
Dungy and Hercules 28, The San Fran Sucklot 3
Philadelphia, let me clear my throat - Dallas gargled, rinsed, learned CPR, heimliched, and gargled some more and finally got that choking feeling out of their throat. Or maybe Jerry Jones served up some "straight from hell" chili (now with 20% more hell!) as a way to counterattack Donovan's Mom and the Chunky soup. That shit's cursed by superstition. The Chunky soup, not the chili. ok maybe both but I dunno. Of course the chili didn't sit well on the sidelines with Drew Bledsoe and Keyshawn Johnson, mainly after Bledsoe gave him a nice verbal jack johnsoning on the sideline. Have some rolaids, Drew. Just give him the damn ball next time.
Mumbo Gumbo 33, Chicken and Stars 10
Monday Nighter: Steelers win, Ben hurt, Pittsburgh on Defcon 5, Myron Cope moved to undisclosed location - Here's the cliffnotes, college kids:
Pittsburgh does not fear the shocker.
Ahh....San Diego....I believe it's Pittsburghese for "Yinz guys suck."
I would like to express the emotions of Ben's injury in a 13 year old internet instant message: "OMG BEN S HRT!"
and finally, I think with Madden calling the game Pittsburghers are still aiking to the entertaining sound of Myron Cope. However Bill Hillgrove and Tunch Ilken will do nicely also. With 40% less Turduckening.
Steelers 24, The Retro Shocker 22
Most Worthless Player - Alex Smith with 4 INTs against Indianapolis. Honorable mention goes to New Orleans Saints defense for allowing 52 points against the All-Madden team..shit..I mean Packers.
posted by Gary at
11:06 PM
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
Subscribe to Post Comments [Atom]
<< Home