Monday Hangover: Sex and Football Do Not Mix
Guys.
If there's anything knowledge I wish to pass on to you for life from this column of football, it is this.
Only make love to one thing at a time.
Case in point, the Minnesota Vikings. Apperent allegations have started after cornerback Fred Smoot (and all his Smooty material) chartered a boat last week with other Viking players, Gilligan, the Professor, and Ginger and her 20 hot friends for a 3 hour tour of their lushious bodies. In fact, I think this is how the Skipper of the boat called it:
Well, sit right back and you'll hear a tale
A tale of a boating trip
That's started by the Viking men
aboard a party ship
Fred Smoot was the mighty horny man,
the kicker quite unsure,
Ten Vikings partied hard that night, with a $3 whore, a $3 whore....
The sex had started getting rough,
the salad surely tossed,
Had it not been for the abrupted end the Vikings would be lost;
Ron Mexico at the cost
So this sunday,
The team took ground on the foreign land of Chicago's playing style,
with Dante's, Inteceptions: 2,
Minnesota, a team in strife,
a Porno Star, an embarassing and troubling week, losing 28-3!
Lesson learned: you can make love to the football, you can make love to a woman, but you can never do both.
To the games please.
It's funny, but since we lost Benny, we've gone to the ozer extreme. - Frequent Hangover reader Doug Beasock asked for a song from Joseph (www.rmu.edu/theatre Nov 9-13th get tickets now) to be in this week's write up and he got his wish. Do you get this feeling that things are awry in Pittsburgh when we want the backup's backup in? Tommy Maddox made a less-than stellar Steller return Sunday as they were sadly trounced by one hour of CBS's Tuesday night lineup. In overtime. With an INT returned for the Jag-winning touchdown. Man it was a rough week for PA sports. Well, besides Pitt winning but who noticed? Maddox was playing more and more like his XFL days, and much like that league his game was defunct and a total loss. 3 INTs, one for the game winner for Jacksonville in OT, and suddenly everyone's shitting in your cereal. Cheer up, Pittsburgh. New England lost today.
2005 Jacksonville 23, 2002 Steelers 17
If Butch Hannah is on your fantasy team, you're screwed - Butch Hannah being the line judge injured with a sprained knee ligament after colliding with Baltimore receiver Tood Heap Heaphop Heaphopanonamous. You see referees are people too, and the sports blooper video is always fun until the referee gets legitimately hurt. Which in this case, he did. In other news this game was over before you got there as Cleveland QB Trent Dilfer fumbled twice, picked twice, scratched three times and coughed once. Ray Lewis channeled the spirit of Home Alone and (in PC terms) defended the property in which they claims living ownership of. But instead of tar on steps, stepping on christmas decorations, or shooting Daniel Stern in the face with a BB gun, they chose to play some defense and do the occasional tape dubbing to scare the bizzlejizzles out of Cleveland. Cleveland on the other hand channeled the spirit of Home Alone 3 and were soon forgotten at the second half. Dontcha just hate sequels? Keep the change, you filthy animal.
Macauley Culkin (age 9) 16, Phil Dawson 3
Dallas wins in OT, Jerry Jones does not pay time and a half - The NY Giants, much like the Vikings on the bangboat, will have a lingering taste of tuna for the next few days. But thankfully it was more of an honorable defeat instead of a sexual hangover where Chicago did all the work while Minnesota just layed there. Ok I promise that's the last I'll pick on 'Sota this week. Back to the homecoming game. This one also went into OT but without a really sucktacular finish. Just your standard "win the coin toss, march down the field, kick the field goal, and drive around looking for a place to eat that's still open" overtime game. Jose "Smalls" Cortez probably took a look at this book and kicked 3 field goals including the game winner. Ahh, that Smalls is a good man. It's always glad to see a former MWP pull through in a game like that. And with all the chili dished out from last week Jerry Jones had to cut the overtime pay. If that's the case I wonder what the christmas bonus will be. Mmm....I can taste that jelly right now, each and every month.
Fresh Tuna from Dallas 16, Expired Tuna from NY 13
Most Worthless Player - Between Dilfer's 4 turnovers, Maddox's 3 INTs, Houston giving up 320 yards rushing, and Fred Smoot's libido, I would have to go with the hometown exile of Tommy Maddox. better fire up the flux capacitator and set it to 2003 if you're going to have a chance next week.
and for the 3 three weeks expect the Vikings to be severely grilled by Leno monologues.
If you are looking for a football sports column that is fair, balanced, and accurate, you have come to the wrong place. The Monday Hangover is a football column that examines 4 NFL teams (Steelers, Browns, 49ers, and Cowboys) as well as the general happenings around the league that week. Gary Ashley is a comedy writer and media producer for his site TM2 Productions and writes the Monday Hangover on his blog every Sunday night/Monday morning.
If there's anything knowledge I wish to pass on to you for life from this column of football, it is this.
Only make love to one thing at a time.
Case in point, the Minnesota Vikings. Apperent allegations have started after cornerback Fred Smoot (and all his Smooty material) chartered a boat last week with other Viking players, Gilligan, the Professor, and Ginger and her 20 hot friends for a 3 hour tour of their lushious bodies. In fact, I think this is how the Skipper of the boat called it:
Well, sit right back and you'll hear a tale
A tale of a boating trip
That's started by the Viking men
aboard a party ship
Fred Smoot was the mighty horny man,
the kicker quite unsure,
Ten Vikings partied hard that night, with a $3 whore, a $3 whore....
The sex had started getting rough,
the salad surely tossed,
Had it not been for the abrupted end the Vikings would be lost;
Ron Mexico at the cost
So this sunday,
The team took ground on the foreign land of Chicago's playing style,
with Dante's, Inteceptions: 2,
Minnesota, a team in strife,
a Porno Star, an embarassing and troubling week, losing 28-3!
Lesson learned: you can make love to the football, you can make love to a woman, but you can never do both.
To the games please.
It's funny, but since we lost Benny, we've gone to the ozer extreme. - Frequent Hangover reader Doug Beasock asked for a song from Joseph (www.rmu.edu/theatre Nov 9-13th get tickets now) to be in this week's write up and he got his wish. Do you get this feeling that things are awry in Pittsburgh when we want the backup's backup in? Tommy Maddox made a less-than stellar Steller return Sunday as they were sadly trounced by one hour of CBS's Tuesday night lineup. In overtime. With an INT returned for the Jag-winning touchdown. Man it was a rough week for PA sports. Well, besides Pitt winning but who noticed? Maddox was playing more and more like his XFL days, and much like that league his game was defunct and a total loss. 3 INTs, one for the game winner for Jacksonville in OT, and suddenly everyone's shitting in your cereal. Cheer up, Pittsburgh. New England lost today.
2005 Jacksonville 23, 2002 Steelers 17
If Butch Hannah is on your fantasy team, you're screwed - Butch Hannah being the line judge injured with a sprained knee ligament after colliding with Baltimore receiver Tood Heap Heaphop Heaphopanonamous. You see referees are people too, and the sports blooper video is always fun until the referee gets legitimately hurt. Which in this case, he did. In other news this game was over before you got there as Cleveland QB Trent Dilfer fumbled twice, picked twice, scratched three times and coughed once. Ray Lewis channeled the spirit of Home Alone and (in PC terms) defended the property in which they claims living ownership of. But instead of tar on steps, stepping on christmas decorations, or shooting Daniel Stern in the face with a BB gun, they chose to play some defense and do the occasional tape dubbing to scare the bizzlejizzles out of Cleveland. Cleveland on the other hand channeled the spirit of Home Alone 3 and were soon forgotten at the second half. Dontcha just hate sequels? Keep the change, you filthy animal.
Macauley Culkin (age 9) 16, Phil Dawson 3
Dallas wins in OT, Jerry Jones does not pay time and a half - The NY Giants, much like the Vikings on the bangboat, will have a lingering taste of tuna for the next few days. But thankfully it was more of an honorable defeat instead of a sexual hangover where Chicago did all the work while Minnesota just layed there. Ok I promise that's the last I'll pick on 'Sota this week. Back to the homecoming game. This one also went into OT but without a really sucktacular finish. Just your standard "win the coin toss, march down the field, kick the field goal, and drive around looking for a place to eat that's still open" overtime game. Jose "Smalls" Cortez probably took a look at this book and kicked 3 field goals including the game winner. Ahh, that Smalls is a good man. It's always glad to see a former MWP pull through in a game like that. And with all the chili dished out from last week Jerry Jones had to cut the overtime pay. If that's the case I wonder what the christmas bonus will be. Mmm....I can taste that jelly right now, each and every month.
Fresh Tuna from Dallas 16, Expired Tuna from NY 13
Most Worthless Player - Between Dilfer's 4 turnovers, Maddox's 3 INTs, Houston giving up 320 yards rushing, and Fred Smoot's libido, I would have to go with the hometown exile of Tommy Maddox. better fire up the flux capacitator and set it to 2003 if you're going to have a chance next week.
and for the 3 three weeks expect the Vikings to be severely grilled by Leno monologues.
If you are looking for a football sports column that is fair, balanced, and accurate, you have come to the wrong place. The Monday Hangover is a football column that examines 4 NFL teams (Steelers, Browns, 49ers, and Cowboys) as well as the general happenings around the league that week. Gary Ashley is a comedy writer and media producer for his site TM2 Productions and writes the Monday Hangover on his blog every Sunday night/Monday morning.
posted by Gary at
12:44 AM
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