The title quote is in fact an actual quote, and a statement that best brings out the bewilderment, unconfidence, and madness that is the holiday shopping season.
It's enough to make you want to get shipped home in a popcorn tin. Cheddar or caramel side.
Today was the yearly shopping excursion for other people at the nearby mall in Indiana. A good time to go arriving at 1:30 when you consider half of the time is not spent mowing down high school kids like springtime dandelions. A good time to go christmas shopping, considering the heavy amount of cash back from books sold from classes already done with. And by "heavy amount of cash" I'm not talking about large numerical amount of money. I'm talking about a boatload of $1 and $5s that when all crumpled in one's wallet creates the illusion to others that you just sunk your 6,12, and 15 balls in the side pocket.
The gameplan here is to get gifts for mom, dad, and Reedy; the online gift for Chris (my brother) is taken care of. Now mom and Reedy's gifts I have ideas for, as to what I got them that's gonna be a secret, seeing is how I want to move away from "shopping list" Christmas shopping that's 100% gurantees, but 0% surprise. And Christmas is about surprising people, right?
Dad's gift is where I hit a snafu. Man or woman should never go Christmas shopping on 4 hours of sleep and fueled by half a can of Coke.
That's my New Year's resolution.
To the sporting goods section of K-mart for dad's gift. Now here's where I make a mistake, considering outdoor equipment usually is not the best gift for Christmas day.
(PLUG: more "Faux Pa Christmas Gifts" to be explained on the Total Mayhem 2 Christmas Show, Christmas Eve Saturday December 24th at www.tm2productions.tk)It's here where other consumers, just as confused as me, trying to prevent a shopping-list Christmas or a returned gift, ask each other for help.
In this case, it was a nice young to middle-aged lady asking me about sporting goods.
her question:
"Is a football a football?"
Now my options at this point are to A) re-address the question, B) Pull the "WTF, lady. W. TF." card, C) Get philosophical on the football, D) hold out for a follow-up question or another person in earshot.
D. Good choice. The whole situation revolves around the lady buying a football for her kid autographed by someone, whom exactly was none of my business. For all I know she may have found Tommy Maddox outside digging into some Wendy's bags like a summer camp raccoon and wanted his autograph. In that worst-case scenario I'd just keep the football. Heaven forbid if he throws it.
Dad's been a recent string of boredom, highlighted by his enlightenment of
www.candystand.com and online SKEE SKEE SKEE SKEE SKEE SKEE SKEE ball. So with that in mind, it's a walk past the furniture, past lingerie, circle button around a stroller and cart, and into the toy department.
And right into another confused customer.
"Hey, these (LCD AA battery) games. Do they have any difficulty to them?"
At this point I'm begging for a K-Mart badge and a paycheck.
"Yeah. Yeah they do."
And commence the fast walk.
Though this advice may be a little bit late to some, but here's mine: leave it to the hands of professionals. As in, the people that work there. They're courteous and friendly. Except for that one high school guy that's worked there for 3 months and doesn't know anything. Don't lie, there's one in every store. Don't ask other consumers. That's like trying to put out a fire by farting on it.
Metaphor/Simile count in this blog post: 5
