Monday Hangover: What a Nightmare
Lately I haven't been getting much sleep.
I keep having these reoccuring nightmares involving soccer matches, Brett Favre getting killed while Madden runs 10 feet for his life, That Guys, and Nickelback songs played on ESPN.
Shit. It all happened this week. Did Freddy and Jason kill the front office or something?
This week was the reverse opposite of last week's quadfecta with our 3 teams (Steelers play monday night) reaching a level of suck not yet discovered by scientists. Well except for the Cowboys, but then again Cowboys vs. Cardinals is like Kramer vs. the Kids in his Karate Class.
To the glass of Tang please.
....
Ok I'm awake. Now to the games.
And somewhere, I wonder if the 1976 Buccaneers have gathered and....oop! - Apperently at the NFL Mart today there was a buy one, get one free sale on Suck. It took a team with the equal or lesser value of suck as the Cleveland Browns to hand the Houston Texans their first win of the season and securing Dom Capers's job for at least the next three days. Once things went to a 7-7 game, both Cleveland and Houston knew that it wasn't going to go that way. As charter members of the NFL Sub (.500) Club, where after the other team punches your card for the 10th time the 11th loss is free, They adhered to the Sub Club rule that field goals win games. Not defense. Not touchdowns. Field goals. The remainder of this game had MLS scouts in attendance as Phil "Cleveland's Offense" Dawson and Kris "Can't kick worth a shit at Heinz Field" Brown combined for a total of 7 field goals, 3 and 4 respectively. Steelers thankfully play Sunday next week, so you lucky Pittsburghers don't have to spend time flipping channels from a Browns game back to the Sunday afternoon movie. The Mighty Texans 19, Aaron Shea and Phil Dawson 16
Does Gruden like window omelettes? - Because with Halloween tonight I have a strong feeling that he'll be eating a few that evening. The latest "As seen on TV" (literally) offense invention from the San Francisco 49ers is the Quarterback-Rotate-O-Matic as Ken Dorsey comes on down as the next contestant. The elderly lady with the teal "I heart Bob" shirt will have to wait for a bit. Unfortunately Dorsey was injured, and with the office dullard Alex Smith injured, Tim Rattay traded, who you gonna call? FOURTH STRINGERS! Cody Pickett from Franklin Heights Community College completed one pass and a run for a first down, in addition to a clutch tackle on special teams. The QB would've been better off playing defense anyways; he was not needed as Joe Nedney kicked 5 field goals for the SF win. To give you some idea of how bad this game was, Dorsey was 7/18, 40 yards, Pickett 1/1 for 10, and Tampa Bay's Chris Simms (in for injured Brian Griese, out for the season) with the lone game TD and 2 INTs. People in Tampa Bay and San Francisco were probably flipping channels between this game and the Jason movie marathon on Spike TV. This game left a bad, candy cornish taste in Tampa's mouth as they get upset stomached by the 49ers. Joe Nedney 15, Pirate Costumes 10
Cowboys beat up on Cardinals, Jerry Jones to dispense old guy candy - As if this week in the NFL wasn't scary enough, undrafted rookie Marion Barber (no relation or Tiki or Ronde, me thinks) ran for 127 yards and 2 TDs, only to get 404ed on ESPN.com (Editor's note: the link works now). It was also a not-so scary site to see Steelers preseason kicker Shawn...Sui....Sushiman? Swisher? Sushenbequiet......Suisanbeanthony? Oh wait, Shawn Suisham. Yes, the feature player for the Steelers in August, quarters 3 through 4, with possibly the coolest name outside of Fumatu Ma'afalaa. Suisham replaced the waived Jose "Smalls" Cortez who's pitching knuckleballs for Philadelphia as David Aikers recovers. All Arizona could handle was two field goals and a TD as Dallas hits up all the good houses and scores the Smarties. Oh, and also punches Arizona's Sub Club card. Next year for Halloween I'm coming dressed as a Cardinals fan. That is, if I remember to ask for paper instead of plastic. Cowboy Costume 34, Foam Rubber Cardinals menagerie 13
Most Worthless Player - If I were in a totally cynical mood today I would have just said "every team I covered this week." But even though I lost sleep over this column, We got plenty of nominees.
Fred Smoot of the Minnesota Vikings is nominee #1 for pregame trash talking to Carolina's Steve Smith, only to be absoschooled by Smith in Carolina's big win. Hey, there's this minty, burning smell coming from Minnesota. Smells like Icy Hot. Now can you dig that, stunta?
Washington Redskins are not MWP nominees this week because even though they were beat 36-0 by the Giants, they fall under the NFL motif of "superhuman game performances following personal tragedies."
Brett Favre however is nominee #2 this week for his 5 INTs and fake attempt at spiking the ball on the last play, in which the Green Bay receivers pulled the classic "Hands on Asses" play and did nothing while Favre had a classic "This isn't where I parked my car" moment throwing a forward pass. Green Bay is now tied with Houston. Now THAT'S scary.
Brett Favre would've won it this week had it not been for his lone fumble, picked up by:
That Guy from Cinncinatti, this week's MWP, Tenatively named "Hugh G. Douchebagzada" who stopped a game winning drive from Green Bay by running onto the field after a stoppage, taking the ball from Favre and running for 20 yards until tackled by security. His fantasy statline reads like this: 1 carry for 20 yards, 60 days in jail, 9/45 receiving on liquid containers to the face. Why do I have this feeling this is a sign of bad things to come for Cincinnatti? Who knows, they could have him in at running back for Green Bay next week.
Now THAT would be scary.
Gary Ashley is not a football columnist or sportswriter, however after this week he is currently trapped in the closet writing this column fearing for his life. Before he gets ax murdered by the Suck Demon of the NFL, he would like to say that he also does work for his site TM2 Productions and, if he gets out alive or finds a terrible towel soaked in holy water, will get out of this mess alive and write another edition of the Monday Hangover for next week.
I keep having these reoccuring nightmares involving soccer matches, Brett Favre getting killed while Madden runs 10 feet for his life, That Guys, and Nickelback songs played on ESPN.
Shit. It all happened this week. Did Freddy and Jason kill the front office or something?
This week was the reverse opposite of last week's quadfecta with our 3 teams (Steelers play monday night) reaching a level of suck not yet discovered by scientists. Well except for the Cowboys, but then again Cowboys vs. Cardinals is like Kramer vs. the Kids in his Karate Class.
To the glass of Tang please.
....
Ok I'm awake. Now to the games.
And somewhere, I wonder if the 1976 Buccaneers have gathered and....oop! - Apperently at the NFL Mart today there was a buy one, get one free sale on Suck. It took a team with the equal or lesser value of suck as the Cleveland Browns to hand the Houston Texans their first win of the season and securing Dom Capers's job for at least the next three days. Once things went to a 7-7 game, both Cleveland and Houston knew that it wasn't going to go that way. As charter members of the NFL Sub (.500) Club, where after the other team punches your card for the 10th time the 11th loss is free, They adhered to the Sub Club rule that field goals win games. Not defense. Not touchdowns. Field goals. The remainder of this game had MLS scouts in attendance as Phil "Cleveland's Offense" Dawson and Kris "Can't kick worth a shit at Heinz Field" Brown combined for a total of 7 field goals, 3 and 4 respectively. Steelers thankfully play Sunday next week, so you lucky Pittsburghers don't have to spend time flipping channels from a Browns game back to the Sunday afternoon movie. The Mighty Texans 19, Aaron Shea and Phil Dawson 16
Does Gruden like window omelettes? - Because with Halloween tonight I have a strong feeling that he'll be eating a few that evening. The latest "As seen on TV" (literally) offense invention from the San Francisco 49ers is the Quarterback-Rotate-O-Matic as Ken Dorsey comes on down as the next contestant. The elderly lady with the teal "I heart Bob" shirt will have to wait for a bit. Unfortunately Dorsey was injured, and with the office dullard Alex Smith injured, Tim Rattay traded, who you gonna call? FOURTH STRINGERS! Cody Pickett from Franklin Heights Community College completed one pass and a run for a first down, in addition to a clutch tackle on special teams. The QB would've been better off playing defense anyways; he was not needed as Joe Nedney kicked 5 field goals for the SF win. To give you some idea of how bad this game was, Dorsey was 7/18, 40 yards, Pickett 1/1 for 10, and Tampa Bay's Chris Simms (in for injured Brian Griese, out for the season) with the lone game TD and 2 INTs. People in Tampa Bay and San Francisco were probably flipping channels between this game and the Jason movie marathon on Spike TV. This game left a bad, candy cornish taste in Tampa's mouth as they get upset stomached by the 49ers. Joe Nedney 15, Pirate Costumes 10
Cowboys beat up on Cardinals, Jerry Jones to dispense old guy candy - As if this week in the NFL wasn't scary enough, undrafted rookie Marion Barber (no relation or Tiki or Ronde, me thinks) ran for 127 yards and 2 TDs, only to get 404ed on ESPN.com (Editor's note: the link works now). It was also a not-so scary site to see Steelers preseason kicker Shawn...Sui....Sushiman? Swisher? Sushenbequiet......Suisanbeanthony? Oh wait, Shawn Suisham. Yes, the feature player for the Steelers in August, quarters 3 through 4, with possibly the coolest name outside of Fumatu Ma'afalaa. Suisham replaced the waived Jose "Smalls" Cortez who's pitching knuckleballs for Philadelphia as David Aikers recovers. All Arizona could handle was two field goals and a TD as Dallas hits up all the good houses and scores the Smarties. Oh, and also punches Arizona's Sub Club card. Next year for Halloween I'm coming dressed as a Cardinals fan. That is, if I remember to ask for paper instead of plastic. Cowboy Costume 34, Foam Rubber Cardinals menagerie 13
Most Worthless Player - If I were in a totally cynical mood today I would have just said "every team I covered this week." But even though I lost sleep over this column, We got plenty of nominees.
Fred Smoot of the Minnesota Vikings is nominee #1 for pregame trash talking to Carolina's Steve Smith, only to be absoschooled by Smith in Carolina's big win. Hey, there's this minty, burning smell coming from Minnesota. Smells like Icy Hot. Now can you dig that, stunta?
Washington Redskins are not MWP nominees this week because even though they were beat 36-0 by the Giants, they fall under the NFL motif of "superhuman game performances following personal tragedies."
Brett Favre however is nominee #2 this week for his 5 INTs and fake attempt at spiking the ball on the last play, in which the Green Bay receivers pulled the classic "Hands on Asses" play and did nothing while Favre had a classic "This isn't where I parked my car" moment throwing a forward pass. Green Bay is now tied with Houston. Now THAT'S scary.
Brett Favre would've won it this week had it not been for his lone fumble, picked up by:
That Guy from Cinncinatti, this week's MWP, Tenatively named "Hugh G. Douchebagzada" who stopped a game winning drive from Green Bay by running onto the field after a stoppage, taking the ball from Favre and running for 20 yards until tackled by security. His fantasy statline reads like this: 1 carry for 20 yards, 60 days in jail, 9/45 receiving on liquid containers to the face. Why do I have this feeling this is a sign of bad things to come for Cincinnatti? Who knows, they could have him in at running back for Green Bay next week.
Now THAT would be scary.
Gary Ashley is not a football columnist or sportswriter, however after this week he is currently trapped in the closet writing this column fearing for his life. Before he gets ax murdered by the Suck Demon of the NFL, he would like to say that he also does work for his site TM2 Productions and, if he gets out alive or finds a terrible towel soaked in holy water, will get out of this mess alive and write another edition of the Monday Hangover for next week.
posted by Gary at
9:10 AM
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