Monday Hangover: Showing the W Face
A lot has happened since last Sunday with our four featured teams. Here's what happened within the week to catch you up to speed in the NFL:
-Steelers: Following Tommy Maddox's "random" and "unplanned" abduction and consequent exile, Big Ben is alive and well as Pittsburgh is reduced to Defcon 1. The Suck Alert color is Green. Maddox was english catapaulted out of the south end of Heinz Field, but was thrown wide right and landed into the Mon. Not even catapaults can hit it between the poles at the southside.
-Browns: Browns were watching tons of game film preparing for the return of their former quarterback/clusterfucker Jeff Garcia, who's game film included Fried Green Tomatoes and The Joy Luck Club. Garcia returned Sunday recovering from a broken leg by smearing Gay Ben...whoops...I mean Ben Gay on himself.
-49ers: DiCaprio, Hudson, you can let go now for the ship has sunk and Mike Nolan has fallen off the boat, doing a 3.5 Pike with half twist onto the propeller. The 49ers front office this week traded their QB that has won their only game this year, Tim Rattay. I'd invest in that freed capital in diapers; Alex Smith is going to be shitting his pants now.
-Cowboys: Cowboys had a good week. No one got arrested.
And it has been one very interesting week for the Minnesota Vikings. In the process of Jay Leno grilling them with 11 herbs and spices, this week they hired a former FBI agent to oversee the boat scandal. This was the backup plan, as Fred Smoot's recommended Bikini Inspector was not available at the time. This Sunday the Vikings prepared for the worst, being introduced as a team instead of individually to prevent a mass migration of boo birds. Instead, they got a standing O. Ironic, considering a few weeks earlier some of the players were getting a laying down O. Paul Edinger came on in the last play to kick a 56 yard field goal. It was long, straight, stiff, and OHHH GOD OHH OHH OHH SHIT ALMOST THERE plunk right between the le..posts to win it over Green Bay. they celebrated afterwards with a post game cigarette, while Green Bay woke up the next morning wondering what the hell they did Sunday.
To the games, please.
Krenn, Paulsen drop elbows on Herb and Johnny Fever - There's a reason why Steeler fans, and Hines Ward fans, love Hines Ward. When he scores touchdowns, he puts Icy Hot Stuntmen like Chad Johnson in their place. On a touchdown Sunday in Cinncinatti, Chad Johnson, the new assclown of the NFL, caught a touchdown pass against Pittsburgh and proceeded to Riverdance in the end zone afterwards. While Michael Flattley was about to ignite an Irish Spring-sized revolt against him, Cowher had a smile on his face. He threw the red flag. Symbolically it stopped the moment like Gunsmoke walking into a saloon. The referees review, touchdown called back. Hey Mr. Johnson, how about this for a touchdown dance? TAKE A BOW, YOU FUCKING GENIUS! Hines Ward later in the game caught a touchdown from Ben and proceeded to mock Johnson's touchdown victory celebration, only threeriversdancing in Cincy's end zone. If you do so remember Ward did the same in a game against the Eagles, making a mockery of the infamous "eagle flap" made earlier by Terrell Owens. I think other wide receivers are picking up on this. Ward's imitations and mockeries of touchdown dances are the new blue. WDVE 27, "The New" WKRP 13
He is Jeff Garcia, hear him roar - Wait, as a lion or a woman? Garcia returned to Detroit Sunday to play the Cleveland Browns. Judging from the game Garcia was never a fan of the doggy-style offense. Then again there was enough mediocrity in this game from Cleveland you swear someone paid for it in bulk at Sam's Club. Garcia was flaming hot this week throwing for 210 yards, meanwhile QB whore (but he's straight, ladies) Trent Dilfer was bedazzlered and rhinestoned by Detroit's defense, throwing 3 INTs. Josh Cribbs for Cleveland scored the lone TD, a 90 yard kickoff return, thus preventing the 3rd "Phil Dawson 3" score tag this season. That's a victory unto itself. Lions 13, Phil Dawson and Josh Cribbs 10
Glub Glub Glub Glub - That's the sound of the ship sinking outside of 3com. At this rate of descent they can find some wrecked Kayakage and foul balls. Fresh after Tim Rattay left the ship and stole the Kate Hudson artistic nudie scribbles, Alex Smith was forced to play the rap battle against Gibbs and the 'Skins. However, Gibbs was "All dup in da shizz" and booed the poor kid all the way back to the men's bathroom. Pretty much if you had the entire Redskins roster as your fantasy team, you won for the week. Clinton Portis: 3 TDs and a pair of cartwheels, something Hines Ward may or may not mock. Portis is a good guy and this was a rare occasion. Mark Brunell: 3 TDs, and would've attempted a backflip but it was safe he didn't. Santana Moss had a TD as well. As for the 49ers, Smith was 50% on his passes, a fumble, and one INT. Say Alex, I heard the weather in Frankfurt in July is beautiful. Gibbs and the 'Skins 52, Sinking Ship 17
Dallas Does the Choke of all Chokes - Copy and paste time! And it has been one very interesting week for the Dallas Cowboys. In the process of sneaking by the Giants last week, this week they went into Seattle for what should've been a snoozer. This was the backup plan, as it rained in Seattle and the balls were quite wet, shutting off Drew Bedsore's frequent passing. This Sunday the Cowboys prepared for the worst, being introduced as choke artists instead of winning football games by the least embarrasing means possible. Instead, while setting up for a game winning field goal in the 4th quarter, Drew Bedsore was picked off and Seattle returned it to field goal territory. Ironic, considering a few weeks earlier about the same level of embarassment happened in Washington. Josh Brown came on in the last play to kick a 50 yard field goal. It was long, straight, stiff, and OHHH GOD OHH OHH OHH SHIT ALMOST THERE plunk right between the le..posts to win it over Dallas. They celebrated afterwards with a post game cigarette, while Dallas woke up the next morning wondering who the hell is going to get fired by Jerry Jones. Glass of water, Dallas? Frasier 13, Heimlich Manuver 10
Most Worthless Player: This week is a tie between Drew Bedsore's game losing interception, which if he played for Pittsburgh he would be exiled, and the San Francisco Front Office for trading Tim Rattay. If it's a rebuilding year in San Francisco, then they're building it out of billiard balls.
And finally since the Steelers won and Cowboys, Browns, 49ers lost, and with the Pats on a bye, I consider this week to be a Hangover Quadfecta. Go celebrate with a beer.
-Steelers: Following Tommy Maddox's "random" and "unplanned" abduction and consequent exile, Big Ben is alive and well as Pittsburgh is reduced to Defcon 1. The Suck Alert color is Green. Maddox was english catapaulted out of the south end of Heinz Field, but was thrown wide right and landed into the Mon. Not even catapaults can hit it between the poles at the southside.
-Browns: Browns were watching tons of game film preparing for the return of their former quarterback/clusterfucker Jeff Garcia, who's game film included Fried Green Tomatoes and The Joy Luck Club. Garcia returned Sunday recovering from a broken leg by smearing Gay Ben...whoops...I mean Ben Gay on himself.
-49ers: DiCaprio, Hudson, you can let go now for the ship has sunk and Mike Nolan has fallen off the boat, doing a 3.5 Pike with half twist onto the propeller. The 49ers front office this week traded their QB that has won their only game this year, Tim Rattay. I'd invest in that freed capital in diapers; Alex Smith is going to be shitting his pants now.
-Cowboys: Cowboys had a good week. No one got arrested.
And it has been one very interesting week for the Minnesota Vikings. In the process of Jay Leno grilling them with 11 herbs and spices, this week they hired a former FBI agent to oversee the boat scandal. This was the backup plan, as Fred Smoot's recommended Bikini Inspector was not available at the time. This Sunday the Vikings prepared for the worst, being introduced as a team instead of individually to prevent a mass migration of boo birds. Instead, they got a standing O. Ironic, considering a few weeks earlier some of the players were getting a laying down O. Paul Edinger came on in the last play to kick a 56 yard field goal. It was long, straight, stiff, and OHHH GOD OHH OHH OHH SHIT ALMOST THERE plunk right between the le..posts to win it over Green Bay. they celebrated afterwards with a post game cigarette, while Green Bay woke up the next morning wondering what the hell they did Sunday.
To the games, please.
Krenn, Paulsen drop elbows on Herb and Johnny Fever - There's a reason why Steeler fans, and Hines Ward fans, love Hines Ward. When he scores touchdowns, he puts Icy Hot Stuntmen like Chad Johnson in their place. On a touchdown Sunday in Cinncinatti, Chad Johnson, the new assclown of the NFL, caught a touchdown pass against Pittsburgh and proceeded to Riverdance in the end zone afterwards. While Michael Flattley was about to ignite an Irish Spring-sized revolt against him, Cowher had a smile on his face. He threw the red flag. Symbolically it stopped the moment like Gunsmoke walking into a saloon. The referees review, touchdown called back. Hey Mr. Johnson, how about this for a touchdown dance? TAKE A BOW, YOU FUCKING GENIUS! Hines Ward later in the game caught a touchdown from Ben and proceeded to mock Johnson's touchdown victory celebration, only threeriversdancing in Cincy's end zone. If you do so remember Ward did the same in a game against the Eagles, making a mockery of the infamous "eagle flap" made earlier by Terrell Owens. I think other wide receivers are picking up on this. Ward's imitations and mockeries of touchdown dances are the new blue. WDVE 27, "The New" WKRP 13
He is Jeff Garcia, hear him roar - Wait, as a lion or a woman? Garcia returned to Detroit Sunday to play the Cleveland Browns. Judging from the game Garcia was never a fan of the doggy-style offense. Then again there was enough mediocrity in this game from Cleveland you swear someone paid for it in bulk at Sam's Club. Garcia was flaming hot this week throwing for 210 yards, meanwhile QB whore (but he's straight, ladies) Trent Dilfer was bedazzlered and rhinestoned by Detroit's defense, throwing 3 INTs. Josh Cribbs for Cleveland scored the lone TD, a 90 yard kickoff return, thus preventing the 3rd "Phil Dawson 3" score tag this season. That's a victory unto itself. Lions 13, Phil Dawson and Josh Cribbs 10
Glub Glub Glub Glub - That's the sound of the ship sinking outside of 3com. At this rate of descent they can find some wrecked Kayakage and foul balls. Fresh after Tim Rattay left the ship and stole the Kate Hudson artistic nudie scribbles, Alex Smith was forced to play the rap battle against Gibbs and the 'Skins. However, Gibbs was "All dup in da shizz" and booed the poor kid all the way back to the men's bathroom. Pretty much if you had the entire Redskins roster as your fantasy team, you won for the week. Clinton Portis: 3 TDs and a pair of cartwheels, something Hines Ward may or may not mock. Portis is a good guy and this was a rare occasion. Mark Brunell: 3 TDs, and would've attempted a backflip but it was safe he didn't. Santana Moss had a TD as well. As for the 49ers, Smith was 50% on his passes, a fumble, and one INT. Say Alex, I heard the weather in Frankfurt in July is beautiful. Gibbs and the 'Skins 52, Sinking Ship 17
Dallas Does the Choke of all Chokes - Copy and paste time! And it has been one very interesting week for the Dallas Cowboys. In the process of sneaking by the Giants last week, this week they went into Seattle for what should've been a snoozer. This was the backup plan, as it rained in Seattle and the balls were quite wet, shutting off Drew Bedsore's frequent passing. This Sunday the Cowboys prepared for the worst, being introduced as choke artists instead of winning football games by the least embarrasing means possible. Instead, while setting up for a game winning field goal in the 4th quarter, Drew Bedsore was picked off and Seattle returned it to field goal territory. Ironic, considering a few weeks earlier about the same level of embarassment happened in Washington. Josh Brown came on in the last play to kick a 50 yard field goal. It was long, straight, stiff, and OHHH GOD OHH OHH OHH SHIT ALMOST THERE plunk right between the le..posts to win it over Dallas. They celebrated afterwards with a post game cigarette, while Dallas woke up the next morning wondering who the hell is going to get fired by Jerry Jones. Glass of water, Dallas? Frasier 13, Heimlich Manuver 10
Most Worthless Player: This week is a tie between Drew Bedsore's game losing interception, which if he played for Pittsburgh he would be exiled, and the San Francisco Front Office for trading Tim Rattay. If it's a rebuilding year in San Francisco, then they're building it out of billiard balls.
And finally since the Steelers won and Cowboys, Browns, 49ers lost, and with the Pats on a bye, I consider this week to be a Hangover Quadfecta. Go celebrate with a beer.
posted by Gary at
3:21 PM
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