Gary Ashley's Series of Unfortunate Events Part #2

Part #2: “Trapped in a Mall with No Zombies to Shoot"

Saturday August 25th, 7:20 am - Wake up with hair not combed but hat on, Showered the night before to save time in the morning. Dad of course is still not ready.

Saturday August 25th, 8:30 am - Half-awake and malnourished, left the house for Sears with dad in separate cars. So totally did not adjust to dad time, where no sense of urgency adds 1.5 hours to the original mentioned time. Battery thankfully stays alive.

Saturday August 25th, 8:56 am - Dad has me drive in reverse into a parking space, which I may add the entire lot is near empty. I drive in reverse and pull forward into the spot while he yells at me for not being close while backing up.

Saturday August 25th, 8:57 am - "Leave a small crack in your window so it doesn't get humid." F*** the windows, I shut the car off.

Saturday August 25th, 9:00 am to 9:15 am - Our associate today is Ian; he does the paperwork and has my keys for the mechanics to look over. Best-case scenario is just the battery needs changed. The mechanics look it over, that will take about 45 minutes.

Saturday August 25th, 9:40 am - All of the main mall stores are closed, just the fringe department stores. While half-awake I saunter into K-Mart and walk around aimlessly killing time in the sporting goods section with the MP3 player on. Electric Six saved my life today.

Saturday August 25th, 10:02 am - The alternator (the thing that charges the battery) needs replaced with parts and labor totaling $400. Dad puts it on his credit card and I'll have to pay that back. The Gospel according to Sears Associate Ian says that it will take approximately 3 hours to get done and he'll call my cell phone when they're done. A bit problematic when I discover that I'm down to only one bar on my cell phone, and if it dies on me then I'm really screwed.

Saturday August 25th, 10:14 am - Eat'n Park to cure the undernourishment of only a couple grapes for breakfast. During the course of the meal the guy behind me is complaining about his wife treating him like dirt. While still upset from the $400 price tag earlier, I think to myself, "Yeah I'll divorce you...right out of your seat and INTO THE FRICKIN WALL!!!" Those thoughts changed when the food arrived.

Saturday August 25th, 11:00 am to 12:56 am - Dad is on a wild goose chase for these work gloves he found online, so naturally with time to be killed he drives to about 3 different stores to find them. Oblivious to the heat I catch up on sleep even with the car off and the windows up.

Saturday August 25th, 1:10 pm - The afternoon heat and humidity get the best of me at the worst possible place: Big Lots. You see dad is like a kid in a candy store in Big Lots (and other discount merchandise chains) and scopes out most every item in the store. All four power windows are up except for the little crack in the windows but he has the keys. I figured I could open the door, walk in and enjoy the air conditioning BUT NO the car alarm goes off. YES. THE CAR ALARM which dad must have phantom set during the previous events while opening up FROM THE INSIDE. Obviously complicating the situation is the lack of a "turn the f****** car alarm off" button on the dash or for that matter any location in the interior. Said alarm goes off after 5 minutes of annoying random parking lot shoppers. I'm trapped inside the car like some breed of dog the size of a football. Dad arrives while I attempt to open the sunroof with a screwdriver.

Saturday August 25th, 1:30 pm - We have problems. Chevrolet out sources the layout of their interiors to Iceland and they make wacky designs for the sole purpose of causing hell to certified mechanics everywhere. Because of said complications the repair will take much longer than expected. Current mood at this point: murderous.

Saturday August 25th, 1:45 pm - Walking around a shopping mall or any public place for that matter completely mad is not exactly a good thing. Neither is the desire to tell the HDTV’s to lay off me buying them because I just dumped $400 on dad's credit card to be stuck looking at you. Here, have a high-velocity baseball bat, crystal-clear Norah Jones.

Saturday August 25th, 1:56 pm - Powerball tickets at K-Mart. Thank you elderly lady in front of us for not knowing how to use a debit card and cashier lady for being overly nice with a louder than normal volume. Then again now I'm puzzled as to why the elderly play the lottery when in actuality it says "Benefits older Pennsylvanians." Someone's garden-hosing somewhere.

Saturday August 25th, 2:05 pm - This asshole on the K-Mart loudspeaker babbles on for 5 minutes and gets overly technical with a 30% off sale.

Saturday August 25th, 2:10 pm - I audibly whisper "SHUT THE FUCK UP THANK YOU" in the shoe section once he’s done.

Saturday August 25th, 2:30 pm - Progress is being made in that we get to walk into the operating room. One thing I've learned is that at any time when they lead you out of the reception area and into the work zone, then that's a good sign. Our mechanic (who seriously could pass for a high school student, if so I hope he's trained well) shows us where the alternator in the car is located: behind the right front wheel, behind the wheel axle, and up above in there somewhere. I'd draw a diagram but it would probably contain obscenities. The mechanic says it will take 30-45 minutes to get the axle and wheel back on.

Saturday August 25th, 2:35 pm - Seeing is how I have a better timetable and still with life on the cell phone, I give Sara a call for emotional support after texting her saying that I was in hell. She leaves for work at 3 pm. It would've been better on my part to have called her and made plans oh say, 3 hours ago. And if you're reading this Sara, thanks for the emotional support. Plus it was convenient to have the auto section next to the outdoor patio furniture. Sunrooms, baby!

Saturday August 25th, 2:55 pm - One last pass through the mall makes me realize that going to the mall sucks when 1) You have no money to buy things or 2) There are no zombies to shoot.

Saturday August 25th, 3:10 pm - Car is fixed and Capital One has the bill. Ian adds that the "brakes were a little spongy and we have a free brake evaluation going on right now." The first question I was going to say was "How long will this take?" and that's what she said but then "NO" was a better answer. And seriously Mr. Squarepants, what the f*** kind of description is "spongy"? Are you saying my car absorbs water? Yes it does on the seats, and thanks for asking bubs.

Saturday August 25th, 3:15 pm - Leave mall, head home. 9:00 am to 3:15 pm in the Indiana Mall and surrounding areas. Total time: 6 hours, 15 minutes.

10 Things I learned from Saturday alone:

1) Buy a car with a warranty, or as-is but have more money than the actual car price set aside for random parts that won't work or fall off when you get it.

2) To avoid pesky store clerks asking you if you need anything while in FTW-mode, play your MP3 player at the loudest volume level possible with headphones. Upon making eye contact with the clerk make a non-verbal gesture similar to "stand" in blackjack.

3) If you ever find yourself trapped in a shopping mall, start hunting for zombies.

4) If there are no zombies in said shopping mall, become one.

5) Do not feel ashamed crying in the stall of the men's bathroom while in the fetal position. This did not happen, but had the price or time been larger it would've been done.

6) High Definition television is for pussies and baseball bats.

7) Suppress murderous rage by watching the free banjo and guitar show in the concourse.

8) Inflate murderous rage by taking a chair to the people on stage.

9) You will always get some humorous satisfaction from the merchandise on sale at Spencer's Gifts. However, it no longer becomes funny the moment you buy it.

10) When driving a modern Icelandic-assembled car, any ballpark time figure becomes triple.