Monday Hangover: Bye Week Blues

Checking the schedule after last week's writeup, I felt a small amount of worry on the lack of content for this week, as two of the four covered teams for this week (Steelers and Browns) are on byes for this week. Thankfully the NFL does not stop because two teams on are byes, and the same goes for this column as well.

and with that said, let's start the show with a little Anchorman humor.

Ahhh.....San Diego.....I believe it's German for "Tom Brady's Vagina." With the home winning streak snapped by The Shockers, suddenly world hunger, AIDS, cancer, and that bumpy stuff that was on Kordell Stewart's face will all be cured. Apperently in New England gym class was cancelled because of a lice outbreak in the nurse's office. I'm telling ya, Josh Miller is the smelly kid. Key notes: 21-game home streak snapped, most points given up in the Bill Belechek era (41 points), and whatever Scott Van Pelt is telling me right now at this point. What matters the most is that the Patriots lose. Is this a good thing? Bigger question: Do rocks sink in the ocean? With the Patriots being succumbed to the Shocker, which Tom Brady is scared of until he tries it, It puts them at .500 and the Steelers a half game back of them. Half games mean nothing in football, however. Looking at the bigger picture the Steelers are down 2.5 games to Cinncinatti Ice with a perfect 4-0. Cowher's gotta be wondering what they're playing up there at WKRP. San Diego 41, Pathetriots 17

Now onto the regular scores this week.

Cowboys acquire gallery space for *COUGH*CHOKE*COUGH* artists - The team that gave up two quick TDs against the Redskins that lead to their 3-0 start. Today Dallas gives another choke to another team showing the 0 face: The Oakland Raiders. No not O as in Oakland, I mean O as in 0-3. And of course in true Cowboy fashion, Dallas gives up Oakland's first win. With that, that makes Who-ston as the only winless team, and if they win next week the alumni of the '76 Bucs can crack the champagne. Yes Chris Berman would announce that in an alternative universe. Getting back to the game the stats showed some level of eveness, well except for not converting on the very last Cowboys posession and Oakland's 4 field goals. Jeez, is today's theme the soccer match? Petty Larceners 19, "Thomas Kincade choking on a Croissant" 13

NFL Spring Break 2006 (with just about the same amount of arrests as a regular NFL season) - This should be a whole nother entry right here. Difficulty: not using stereotypes. Mike Patrick of ESPN said that the Niners/Cardinals game in Mexico City was "called by some to be the Mexican Super Bowl." And it's sad that the largest attendance record for an NFL game at well over 100,000 was between San Francisco and Arizona. Apperently both teams were so bad that the NFL didn't want them playing in the US. Mexico really likes their soccer and they got plenty of it tonight. Every kickoff: touchback, back of the end zone. Punts: 7 from SF. Field goals: 6 from Arizona kicker Neil Rackers. Now let's pop quiz it for a second: where was SF's offense tonight? A) Playbook not Bablefished in Mexico B) Didn't go through customs C) Tim Rattay drank the water D) Busy keeping their gauchos warm. If you said any of the above, have a $2 Corona (Reedy's "funny but true" explanation for the high attendance.) Also in the game Josh "not Cade" McNown threw for 2 TDs which lead to the Spanish announcer's 5 minute long "GOOOOOOOAAAAAALLLLLL!!!!" speech. Now I'll have to reset the time machine for 1998 to return that joke. Oh by the way SF, check your voice mail and see if you answered Arizona's 31 points cause I think you were probably busy playing Cellphone QB Challenge, the challenge being finding a good QB. This game was a car crash, a train wreck, an episode of Big Brother, and a 38 F bra size all rolled into one: couldn't help but look. You would give Neil Rackers kiss if he were on soccer team. Cardenales de la mediocridad 31, El que aspira el la mayoría 14

Most Worthless Player - Matt Cassel, New England Patriots. Yes I shouldn't be picking on you because you only threw 4 times. I'm picking on you and the Pathetriots. Cassel was 2/4 with 1 INT that was returned for a TD. Boy, better hope Tom Brady stays healthly.

Monday Night Preview

We're not done yet. Tomarrow night Green Bay plays on Monday Night Football and that can only mean one thing: Unbearable Aural Sex from John Madden to Brett Favre. I have composed a list of rules to be used with any alcoholic beverage of choice in order to make it through all 4 quarters. Rules as follows, only to apply during the game:


#1 John Madden compliments Brett Favre - 1 drink
#1a Madden compliments him and Green Bay is losing at the time - 2 drinks
#1b Brett Favre is not in the game at the time of said compliment - 3 drinks

#2 Brett Favre is the Horse Trailer Player of the Game- Finish Contents

#3 Madden gets into a "3rd quarter conversation" (example: talking about something not currently relevant to football) - 5 drinks
#3a explanation of said anecdote or fact goes more than 4 plays - 8 drinks
#3b Al Michaels tries really hard to maintain interest of said anecdote - Finish Contents

#4 Madden telestrates an offense play for Green Bay - 1 drink for every line or circle drawn
#4a Madden uses the telestrator for something not related to a play in the game - 1.5 drinks for every line or circle drawn

#5 Streaker or major stoppage of play* - Finish Contents
*does not count challenged plays

#6 Reference to any Madden-endorsed products on the air by Madden or Michaels(Tinactin, Ace Hardware, EA Sports, Outback Steakhouse) - 2 drinks

#7 Yell at the TV for Madden to shut the hell up - 1 drink for that person

*Insert Poison Control Hotline Number Here*

Gary Ashley is not a professional sports writer or paid football columnist. He is the Brian Fellow to the ESPNs and SIs of the world. His column "The Monday Hangover" updates every Monday and covers the Sunday games of the Steelers, Browns, Cowboys, and 49ers in addition to regular happenings around the league. He writes for his blog "Behind the Mayhem" and also does work for his comedy site "TM2 Productions" available at www.tm2productions.tk