A letter to my friends
Dear MySpace bulletin forwarders, particularly two of you,
I would like to thank you both for bumming me out totally last Sunday afternoon with your slideshow of bludgeoned and bloodied baby seals with the harsh message that baby seal clubbing is both not a sport and is barbaric. To that I say you are correct; much like Paul Page commenting on Joey Chestnut beating Kobayashi at hot dog eating on July 4th, Baby seal clubbing is not a sport.
(Side note: you know seriously if you close your eyes and listen to Page, a former Indy car play-by-play analyst, you can imagine Kobayashi and Chestnut chasing after each other in Oscar Meyer Weinermobiles.)
While I do appreciate the thought of you two making me lose my appetite scrolling down through bold text and bloody seal pictures, you both are my friends (for now) so I will let it slide. However I remained puzzled as to the message the bulletin is trying to tell me:
1) "Gary, stop clubbing baby seals." uhhhhhhhhhh ok first off, the closest baby seal that lives within a reasonable geographic distance is at the zoo in Pittsburgh. The attempt to do so would be instantly thwarted by the following in order of lethality: fence, security guard, electric fence, other adult seals, other adult seals underwater, harpoon gun. The message confuses me also in that it tells me to stop clubbing the young the cute and the cuddly. So does that mean adult seals are fair game? Taking a wiffleball bat to Shamu at Sea World isn't gonna bat an eye, pun intended?
2) "Gary, stop other people from clubbing baby seals." uhhhhhhhhh ok first off, I've been a MySpace member for about 2 years now and at no point has anyone on any MySpace profile (without searching mind you) listed "baby seal clubbing" as an interest.
3) "Gary, protect the baby seals from being clubbed." What am I, some kinda arctic Captain Planet with a rocket launcher? And why pee in someone else's Kool-Aid about it when there are other priorities faceing the planet that are much larger in scale and still related to baby seals? Examples: global warming, which melts the ice caps and kills baby seals; world hunger, causing people to kill baby seals to eat because they have no other food; Gary's student loans, which if not being paid will...ok maybe that's not baby seal related but you get the idea.
Sometimes you have to wonder where these bulletin forwards originate and no doubt that this one was jotted up by someone who wanted to alienate their friends by pushing a cause too aggressively upon them and consequently bumming out their Sunday afternoons. Those people who agreed, half quarter or whole heartedly, passed it on to their friends and the cycle continues. My point is that yes clubbing baby seals is a problem and there's nothing wrong with supporting the cause to end it. My argument is that you do not need to push it so aggressively upon your peers. So for those two who bummed out my Sunday, I'll let it go this time. As for anyone else, I've made my case about it and would appreciate no more bummed out Sundays thanks to dead baby seals. k? thx.
Your MySpace friend,
Gary Ashley
I would like to thank you both for bumming me out totally last Sunday afternoon with your slideshow of bludgeoned and bloodied baby seals with the harsh message that baby seal clubbing is both not a sport and is barbaric. To that I say you are correct; much like Paul Page commenting on Joey Chestnut beating Kobayashi at hot dog eating on July 4th, Baby seal clubbing is not a sport.
(Side note: you know seriously if you close your eyes and listen to Page, a former Indy car play-by-play analyst, you can imagine Kobayashi and Chestnut chasing after each other in Oscar Meyer Weinermobiles.)
While I do appreciate the thought of you two making me lose my appetite scrolling down through bold text and bloody seal pictures, you both are my friends (for now) so I will let it slide. However I remained puzzled as to the message the bulletin is trying to tell me:
1) "Gary, stop clubbing baby seals." uhhhhhhhhhh ok first off, the closest baby seal that lives within a reasonable geographic distance is at the zoo in Pittsburgh. The attempt to do so would be instantly thwarted by the following in order of lethality: fence, security guard, electric fence, other adult seals, other adult seals underwater, harpoon gun. The message confuses me also in that it tells me to stop clubbing the young the cute and the cuddly. So does that mean adult seals are fair game? Taking a wiffleball bat to Shamu at Sea World isn't gonna bat an eye, pun intended?
2) "Gary, stop other people from clubbing baby seals." uhhhhhhhhh ok first off, I've been a MySpace member for about 2 years now and at no point has anyone on any MySpace profile (without searching mind you) listed "baby seal clubbing" as an interest.
3) "Gary, protect the baby seals from being clubbed." What am I, some kinda arctic Captain Planet with a rocket launcher? And why pee in someone else's Kool-Aid about it when there are other priorities faceing the planet that are much larger in scale and still related to baby seals? Examples: global warming, which melts the ice caps and kills baby seals; world hunger, causing people to kill baby seals to eat because they have no other food; Gary's student loans, which if not being paid will...ok maybe that's not baby seal related but you get the idea.
Sometimes you have to wonder where these bulletin forwards originate and no doubt that this one was jotted up by someone who wanted to alienate their friends by pushing a cause too aggressively upon them and consequently bumming out their Sunday afternoons. Those people who agreed, half quarter or whole heartedly, passed it on to their friends and the cycle continues. My point is that yes clubbing baby seals is a problem and there's nothing wrong with supporting the cause to end it. My argument is that you do not need to push it so aggressively upon your peers. So for those two who bummed out my Sunday, I'll let it go this time. As for anyone else, I've made my case about it and would appreciate no more bummed out Sundays thanks to dead baby seals. k? thx.
Your MySpace friend,
Gary Ashley
posted by Gary at
9:48 PM
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