The week America went more stupider.

If they ever run some BS scientific study in the near future on which calendar month do people act the least intelligent, I would place my money on June. Think about it, it's the first month of the year where the temperature goes from comfortable to "I want a building with air conditioning." The average person outside of a warmer state (which explains why Fark.com has it's own "Florida" tag) has their dumb moments sparsely year round. But this week alone took it in like a crane game grabbing a sofa.

1) Paris Hilton (which I will hereby refer to with a national capital/hotel chain combination, or simply as "YOU WHORE!") was released from jail today and will serve out her 45 day prison sentence under house arrest at her lavish, multi-million dollar home. The exact reason according to L.A. Police was that she "contracted a rash", something she has done plenty of times at various clubs in the men's bathroom. 45 days without leaving her house and I bet London Comfort Inn is like "OMG I SO BOOORRRED THIS HOUSE DOESN'T HAVE A CLUB!" Meanwhile a man is serving a 6 year prison sentence for posession of marijuana IN prison. I'm not advocating the legalization of weed, I'm advocating the possession of weed by YOU WHORE so she gets a longer prison sentence, this time IN prison. By the way, does anyone notice that "rehab" said backwards is "bar" with a heavy Boston accent? Once they get her for the probation violation, maybe next they can jail her for not changing facial expressions.

2) America's Got Talent on NBC is a crock of shit. There. I said it. The show is a bastard, one night stand unplanned lovechild of Star Search and American Idol. Does anyone find it completely defeating that a show, which aim is to find the most talented people in the United States, is being judged by two British people and David Hasselhoff, who had a musical career in Germany? Not too mention the show this year is hosted by Jerry Springer, who's talk show was named the worst show on television by TV Guide a couple years ago. If you think about most every talent-based reality competition out there, the judges follow this simple format:

-The Homeboy: The macho male judge who gets along with everyone
-The Diva: A former star who's had a hard life after being the spotlight. Is contractually forced to walk out of an audition at the protest of:
-The Britain: The bluntly-honest dickpunch of the trio
-The Mark McGrath: The celebrity guest judge who serves zero purpose in the outcome. Is usually played by Mark McGrath.

With this format it's lopsided because Sharon Osbourne is both a Diva and a Britain. When Simon insults someone on American Idol, it's deserved. When the Britain (Niels something I don't know who) on America's Got Talent insults an 8 year old kid on stage, that's just not right. I don't come to your son's Cricket games and chuck raisins at him. The only way we can counteract this is to send American modeling judges to the UK for "Britain's Got a Perfect Smile."

3) It's a great sign of the week when the new limited edition Oreos come out in stores, yet this time I think they're insulting our milk-plunging intelligence. They released "Oreo Dunkers," which are Oreos that are more rectangular in nature in comparison to the usual circular form. But the idiot part of the cookie, the cream filling if you will, is the cookie pictured on the front of the packaging which reads "Milk This Way" with down arrows. Has it really fallen to this point where we need directions as to the proper end to DUNK A FRICKIN COOKIE!? "Hmm, I'm not sure which side to put this Oreo in, I mean it is circular but there's so many angles" OH COME ON! This had to be a plea from parent groups because they ran some statistic like two people die each year from Oreo dunking-related deaths. Stick that in your 'pedia, Wiki.

Give it a few years. Someone's gonna build a respirator out of Legos. But the way this week is going, someone's building an automatic cookie dunker during her jail time while looking at shoes and guys online.

That's Hot. or Not.

AMERICAN ICY HOT

Sadly, or fortunately, the American Idol auditions have come to an end. For the rest of you that will watch beyond that to see who becomes the next great singer for about 5 months, more power to you. For me, my work here is done.

The reason for this massive media showcase is to show you that when people have massive egos, they deserve to be put in their place. Consider it a collective karma bitch slapping. TM2 Productions and Extra Strength Icy Hot now presents to you the finalists for the worst audition of American Idol: The American Icy Hot award.

Nominees by city as follows:

1) Chicago - Derek Dupree
- Sweat stains
- Sings a Trading Spaces song that no one knows
- Sweat stains
- Three, count 'em three different pitches
- Strange resemblance to Chappelle's Show character Ashy Brown
- Over 12,000 hits on Putfile.com
- Sweat stains

2) Denver - Nick "Flawless" McCord
- Own style of dress
- Weird sense of bewilderent and confusion
- No Sweat Stains
- 3 different outfits in yellow, red, and gray
- Drives a moped

-(Read down the side)

3) Greensboro - Rhonetta Johnson
- Criminal record (arrested 4 times)
- Also won the Hawthrone Grill "Bitch Be Cool" Award
- Hooker boots
- 3+ minute tirade on the judges after getting denied
- Bigger than Jesus in weight class



4) San Francisco - Matt "Wolfie" Paulson
- Proclaims to sound like Clay Aiken
- Does not look like Clay Aiken
- Deep nasally voice
- Appearance of IT worker and LAN party frequenter
- Likes wolves, girls, half-wolf-half-girl pictures



5) Las Vegas - Ryan Hart
- Anti-Authority
- Anti-Talent
- Does a wicked pterodactyl impression
- Unemployed
- Long time Long John Silver's lifer (working or eating)
- Girl hair


6) Austin - Tessie Reid
- Overconfident ugly chick
- Stag prom date
- Braces, two color hair
- Tight clothes
- Sits with the creepy kids at lunch
- "sounds like Avril Lavigne," talent level between the two about same


7) Boston - Mike "The King of Dweebs" Sandecki
- Elicits murderous emotions when in public
- Popular with overconfident ugly chicks (see above)
- Best running to the bathroom montage ever
- "Looks like Clay Aiken," except Clay doesn't use Dep Megahold
- Possible Homersexual




So who is your selection for the next American Icy Hot? post in the comments link below with your selection.

The Chick in Red

"There's only three things that should ever go to your head: blood, oxygen, and nerve cells. Anything else is bad for your own good." -Gary Ashley

Watching American Idol has become a morbid curiosity of mine. I could care less about who wins the thing, the first few episodes are the ones to watch. They showcase people with Nebraska-sized egos, total hotties, absolute nutjobs, and anyone else looking for a deserve verbal bereating from their 15 seconds of fame.

Oh, yeah. and those people that are good and go on to Hollywood, but who cares about that.

A recap of the heroes from last night's show, please.

1) The Chick in Red
This girl, 18, wearing a red tanktop was on. She's pretty cute, but wacky. Wacky, like "annoying Carrot Top" wacky. She proceeds to biff as usual, obviously hasn't been practicing on Karaoke Revolution* lately. Simon shows her the door, and my it has a new coat of paint on it. Here's where the libido goes south for the winter: she storms back into the room and proclaims she'll show them and make her own CD. Look for "Farting into a Coffee Can with a Microphone in it" at your local Best Buy in 3 months.

*Karaoke game made by Konami, maker of DDR, the #1 thing that keeps gothnerds in shape

2) Goth Chick that would be hotter without the makeup
Girl walks in with huge black frame glasses in all black clothing with dyed hair. She takes off her glasses, and instantly the Cute-O-Meter shoots from a 4 to a 8.3. Girls, if you want to impress a guy, do the natural thing. Sadly she performed like Christina Pubahaira: only 95% dancing and 5% singing. She too is shown the door, and now it has a poster on it.

3) Royce Da 5.9%
This guy gets my arrest for Possesion of an Alabama-sized Ego. Last year, it was a southern guy who said he's win the thing then forgot the words to Sweet Home Alabama. Afterwards, he proceeded crying, saying "I didn't make it, baby!". He said first-hand he's going to win this contest hands down. Recap: Kelly, Ruben, and Fantasia never proclaimed on the first audition that they would win. Already your ego has killed you. Walk out while you still have a chance.

No, wait. audition first.

Moving on. Royce here walks in with a gray headband with "5.9%" written in Sharpie at the top. apperently the 5.9% is how much dignity this guy will have once he's gone. He proceeds to sing a 5 person song by himself, and stutta-stutta-stutta-stuttering at certain points. He, and his backup band, are shown the door, and the handle falls out.

4) Mary Roach
Watching her was the first time I ever feared for my life watching a television program. She did her "overconfident ugly girl" dance routine while singing, which looked something like....umm...what's the word I'm looking for...a form of embarassment that has been personally shown since Adams Hall had a softball mascot. shudder.

After uckfaying upsay the ongsay (for those non-pig latin people, messing up), she talks about, and I'm not kidding on this, "the voices in her head would tell her she would win this contest."

Have you ever had that lunch table in the cafeteria where all the weird people sit as some kind of Village of the Damned? Yup, she's there doing a mashed potato michelangelo and writing magic marker on her shoes.

Scary. Absolutely scary.

and on that note, badly sung that is, I'm out.