The Chick in Red

"There's only three things that should ever go to your head: blood, oxygen, and nerve cells. Anything else is bad for your own good." -Gary Ashley

Watching American Idol has become a morbid curiosity of mine. I could care less about who wins the thing, the first few episodes are the ones to watch. They showcase people with Nebraska-sized egos, total hotties, absolute nutjobs, and anyone else looking for a deserve verbal bereating from their 15 seconds of fame.

Oh, yeah. and those people that are good and go on to Hollywood, but who cares about that.

A recap of the heroes from last night's show, please.

1) The Chick in Red
This girl, 18, wearing a red tanktop was on. She's pretty cute, but wacky. Wacky, like "annoying Carrot Top" wacky. She proceeds to biff as usual, obviously hasn't been practicing on Karaoke Revolution* lately. Simon shows her the door, and my it has a new coat of paint on it. Here's where the libido goes south for the winter: she storms back into the room and proclaims she'll show them and make her own CD. Look for "Farting into a Coffee Can with a Microphone in it" at your local Best Buy in 3 months.

*Karaoke game made by Konami, maker of DDR, the #1 thing that keeps gothnerds in shape

2) Goth Chick that would be hotter without the makeup
Girl walks in with huge black frame glasses in all black clothing with dyed hair. She takes off her glasses, and instantly the Cute-O-Meter shoots from a 4 to a 8.3. Girls, if you want to impress a guy, do the natural thing. Sadly she performed like Christina Pubahaira: only 95% dancing and 5% singing. She too is shown the door, and now it has a poster on it.

3) Royce Da 5.9%
This guy gets my arrest for Possesion of an Alabama-sized Ego. Last year, it was a southern guy who said he's win the thing then forgot the words to Sweet Home Alabama. Afterwards, he proceeded crying, saying "I didn't make it, baby!". He said first-hand he's going to win this contest hands down. Recap: Kelly, Ruben, and Fantasia never proclaimed on the first audition that they would win. Already your ego has killed you. Walk out while you still have a chance.

No, wait. audition first.

Moving on. Royce here walks in with a gray headband with "5.9%" written in Sharpie at the top. apperently the 5.9% is how much dignity this guy will have once he's gone. He proceeds to sing a 5 person song by himself, and stutta-stutta-stutta-stuttering at certain points. He, and his backup band, are shown the door, and the handle falls out.

4) Mary Roach
Watching her was the first time I ever feared for my life watching a television program. She did her "overconfident ugly girl" dance routine while singing, which looked something like....umm...what's the word I'm looking for...a form of embarassment that has been personally shown since Adams Hall had a softball mascot. shudder.

After uckfaying upsay the ongsay (for those non-pig latin people, messing up), she talks about, and I'm not kidding on this, "the voices in her head would tell her she would win this contest."

Have you ever had that lunch table in the cafeteria where all the weird people sit as some kind of Village of the Damned? Yup, she's there doing a mashed potato michelangelo and writing magic marker on her shoes.

Scary. Absolutely scary.

and on that note, badly sung that is, I'm out.