I'm glad I'm not you, Eddie Griffin.

Right now at this moment I am fighting a bad case of tonsilitis coupled with sinus pain, a loss of voice, and a rigorous schedule of various antibiotics and pills to kick this.

But it could be worse.

I could be Eddie Griffin.

Eddie Griffin is a center that plays for the NBA's Minnesota Timberwolves. This season in 70 games he averaged 4.6 Points Per Game and 6 double-doubles while collecting a handsome salary no less. All of that pales in comparision to this news story about him that I came across today.

"The date was March 30, and Eddie Griffin crashed his car into a parked vehicle just outside of the Timberwolves home arena, the Target Center." Ok, now that's the plain coated, not-newsworthy version. Now let's add some details:

1) Griffin was driving his luxury Cadilliac Escalade SUV at the time, meaning the stereotyper was instantly at the scene

2) Griffin had been intoxicated while driving

3) He was driving without a license

4) He had pornographic DVD videos playing in the car and was watching it while driving and intoxicated

5) Forgot to mention he was also "Feeding the Duck" in the process.

So now, the extra heavy, total newsworthy version of the above headline:
"The date was March 30, and Eddie Griffin while under the influence of alcohol and watching pornographic video in his car and masturbating to it, crashed his luxury SUV into a parked vehicle just outside of the Timberwolves home arena, the Target Center."

Somewhere the ghost of Wilt Chamberlein just wrote "ho-smack Eddie Griffin for not getting poonany" on his afterlife to-do list. Wilt's probably thinking "damn, Steve Kerr didn't need no booze with an SUV of porn to get some. Mothafucka got married and had world championships. That wankaman's a few empty Roy Rogers bags away from having the pathetic apartment on wheels."

Complicating this situation are the two police officers that arrived at the accident and failed to administer a breathlizer test but took Mr. Griffin to his house in St. Paul rather than the police station. He was however fined for driving without a license and inattentive driving. I think it was simply a policeman's dilemma of when you find a criminal that pulls off something so inhumanly stupid or awesome that you simply can't do anything about it. Foot chase ends with a robber falling 40 feet into a dumpster, getting out and walking away? That's a bit amazing. Arriving to find Eddie Griffin half-sans-pants watching Big Booty Ho's Volume 12 while reeking of Henny? I think you'd leave that up to the Timberwolves Public Relations people.

So once again, no matter how badly your life may suck right now for the short term or long term, at least you can be proud that you did not pull a massive boner like this one. Though Mr. Griffin did well in advance.

In other news, here's video of Stephen A. Smith getting heckled from the NBA Draft. Quite frankly, the best part is when he eats Cheesy Doodles FROM THE BAG.