MarineSpace

As reported earlier World War III has begun, according to FOX News, Newt Gingrich, and The O RLY? Owl. With this new war arising in Lebanon, and the wars in Iraq and the forgotten country of Afghanistan, not too mention the unpopularity of those in charge of such affairs, it leaves the armed services in a troubled situation to find new recruits.

I will go on record saying that if you belong to the armed services I have no problem with that. However, it is a sad state of affairs that recruitment offices have become the next telemarketer to males and females ages 18 to 25. As an example, an army recruiter followed me around for 20 minutes in a shopping mall. At a job fair on campus, the recruiter said "I bet you could fly that [model] Apache helicopter right there."

I can't even drive a stick.

What the armed services have done is look towards alternative methods of recruitment. A few months ago the Air Force was recruiting members at motorcross shows across the country, and you could just imagine the radio and TV spots for Air Force Moto X. The Marines have gone one step beyond that and have looked to the biggest social network on the Internet to date, MySpace. According to this news article The Marines have already gained 12,000 friend adds and potential leads to recruits through the massive 94 million users on MySpace.

But I don't think The Marines know what they're getting into with their recruits, when you consider a substantial portion of MySpace users are these kids:



Emo Kids. To those still in the 1990s kick, just think of them as "Not Scary Goth Kids." The reason for their disdain to others with a self-esteem is they're love of depressing rock music and lack of ass wearing girl pants. No seriously, from a totally hetero stance Emo guys have no ass.

So The Marines have gone and given what this young hip and new generation needs: an army of Emo kids, or should I say "The Emorines". The idea sounds horrible, but I think this is a positive to this and by all means note the irony. What The Emorines may lack in physical skill and killer instinct they thrive in non-violent protests, acoustic guitar playing, and hating their parents. Of course the main problems would be the heat generated from all-black clothing and the loss of vision by having their hair over one eye constantly. In addition, soldier morale would be at a CONSTANT all-time low unless the USO Tour arrives with crappy punk/emo/screamo/Devo bands that all sound the same. The frequent cries for help and suicide scribblings in the back of notebooks would sadly turn The Emorines into a walking group of mortar shell catchers.

No wait scratch that. Emo kids aren't that great in sports, so we'll make that attempted mortar shell catchers.

Now I may have offended many in this post by going off and stereotyping and labeling many of these kids. But I say this: depression is not cool. Being a downer in life is not cool. I put up with users on MySpace that dress and take pictures exactly the same and say the same depressing shit over and over again. Do us all a favor, and either cheer the fuck up or get a set and actually kill yourself.

Your life could be a whole lot worse. Just ask The Marines in combat.