Monday Hangover: Letter to Baltimore
"Dear management of the Baltimore Ravens,
As a Pittsburgh Steelers fan we have already graced your benches with Kordell Stewart, our former hero-turned-bum-turned-queer eye for Cowher's eye that nearly costed Cowher his job and left us waiting for Pirates baseball. Both of which are not good things. We thank you for picking up this acquistion and look forward to smacking the crying crap out of him the next time your QB gets injured in Pittsburgh.
What I wish to discuss with you is one Tommy Maddox. I feel that Mr. Maddox would be a cornerstone asset to your organization considering that you already have another hero-turned-bum-turned-pocket passer that's costed us home field advantage. To the Pittsburgh Steelers Ben Rothlisburger is like the Otto to our Pin Pals; Tommy Maddox our Mr. Burns. And please, in all serious save the lobster harmonica jokes for later. You see Mr. Maddox has already completed multiple passes to your top defensive ends and could result in more points if he were playing for the correct team. Which isn't ours. Sure Maddox may have the mobility of an office plant, but the Steelers have a "you break you buy" policy, and I believe it's time for you to purchase Maddox in a lucrative, groundbreaking deal.
What we ask is that we leave Mr. Maddox in Baltimore after we throw him off the team bus at 55 mph. What's left of him can play for your proud, Super Bowl winning team and hopefully lead him to a Super Bowl or future seasons of mediocrity. In return we would like Raphael Palmeiro's drug stash completely sent over to the Dallas Cowboys via UPS in order to keep Maddox's level of suck out of our minds here in the 'Burgh. Cause if Dallas can't fall into controversy, then they can always pull a boner next week. Seeing is how they've been doing plenty of that this season.
We look forward to hearing from you again soon.
Sincerely,
Gary Ashley
Representative, Steelers Fans"
Week 11 Gamage please.
Cleveland has the runs - by that I mean a total of 181 yards in one single game instead of 181 yards in 2-3 combined games. 18 seconds into the game Cleveland already had 75 yards rushing and a 7-0 lead. Miami, in 13 year old gamer speak, was left wondering "wtf fag lolrofl!11!" Gus Frerotte (FROM! FORD CITY PENNSYLVANIA!) was left wondering "omfg wtf ur haking fag" after completing 4/18 for 53 yards and getting 0wn3d the entire day. It felt so Unreal (non-tournament edition) for Cleveland's rushing game to rise from the ashes of dog poop it formerly was. Miami will go outside and get some sunlight now. Lay off the forums, Dolphins. Greyhounds 22, OMGWTFDOLFINS 0
Thanksgiving teams do battle - The Cowboys and Lions met this week to discuss who would be bringing what Thursday to Thanksgiving. After the game they decided that Jerry Jones would be bringing the whupping, while Jeff Garcia brings the ass. and tons of it. An interesting note in this game in that there was not one passing touchdown the entire game. Sucks for your fantasy team. Marion Barber Triple I scored two TDs and Billy Cundiff (nominated for "kicker's name that best fit the territory he plays for" award) added two field goals as Detroit was arrested *COUGH* penalized 17 times for a football field plus 29 yards. Maybe on Thanksgiving they'll play a backyard game with no flags, instant replay, or Statue of Liberty plays with the 8 year old nephew. Let's hope no one throws their back out on Thursday. Tunaturducken 20, We Miss Barry Sanders 7
And the Suck Cable Car rolls on - You want the good news? ok here goes. San Francisco outscored Seattle 13-0 in the 4th quarter. You want the bad news? Niners lost again, this time by failing a two-point conversion at the DMV's office. You see what happens when you spend that time oggling girls in Driver's Ed? Things looked better for the Suckwagon in the second half as they layed off the soccer match and actually put the ball in the end zone with their hands instead of the feet. Then again it may have been Steve Young's hall of fame ring presentation at halftime that inspired them. That or Steve Young legally got his name changed to Ken Dorsey at halftime. As for Seattle, I see them making the playoffs for certain, but maybe not quite the Super Bowl. We'll see what happens, though. Flock of Seahawks 27, Suck Francisco 25
I don't wanna talk about this game - I've covered enough of the Ravens and Steelers disaster. I've picked on Maddox enough and I wanna stay that he's gonna sell some insurance to himself the next time he walks into Primanti's. I don't want to talk about how on Espn.com Cowher's coach fan approval rating dropped by 27 percentage points from the previous week. And I don't want to go as far as to say Tommy Maddox played Sunday in a league run by Vince McMahon in a game no one cared about. But I've had enough. Ben get well soon. We'll need you for the Colts Monday. Tommy, go throw yourself in traffic. Raisins 16, Maddox Sucks 13
Most Worthless Player - Tons of nominees for this week. Obvious nominee #1 is Tommy Maddox. Enough about that shitwad. Nominee #2 goes to the New York Jets offense for getting blanked 27-0 against the Broncos with just two offensive plays in the second quarter. Nominee #3 goes to the Buffalo Bills secondary for allowing 4 TDs from San Diego's Drew Brees.
However this week's MWP goes to the Houston Texans defense for giving up 31 points in the first half and gracing the national audience with the delightful third quarter conversations of Paul Macguire and Mike Patrick. Thank you Houston, I would not have cared if you did better. Much like Dom Capers.
As a Pittsburgh Steelers fan we have already graced your benches with Kordell Stewart, our former hero-turned-bum-turned-queer eye for Cowher's eye that nearly costed Cowher his job and left us waiting for Pirates baseball. Both of which are not good things. We thank you for picking up this acquistion and look forward to smacking the crying crap out of him the next time your QB gets injured in Pittsburgh.
What I wish to discuss with you is one Tommy Maddox. I feel that Mr. Maddox would be a cornerstone asset to your organization considering that you already have another hero-turned-bum-turned-pocket passer that's costed us home field advantage. To the Pittsburgh Steelers Ben Rothlisburger is like the Otto to our Pin Pals; Tommy Maddox our Mr. Burns. And please, in all serious save the lobster harmonica jokes for later. You see Mr. Maddox has already completed multiple passes to your top defensive ends and could result in more points if he were playing for the correct team. Which isn't ours. Sure Maddox may have the mobility of an office plant, but the Steelers have a "you break you buy" policy, and I believe it's time for you to purchase Maddox in a lucrative, groundbreaking deal.
What we ask is that we leave Mr. Maddox in Baltimore after we throw him off the team bus at 55 mph. What's left of him can play for your proud, Super Bowl winning team and hopefully lead him to a Super Bowl or future seasons of mediocrity. In return we would like Raphael Palmeiro's drug stash completely sent over to the Dallas Cowboys via UPS in order to keep Maddox's level of suck out of our minds here in the 'Burgh. Cause if Dallas can't fall into controversy, then they can always pull a boner next week. Seeing is how they've been doing plenty of that this season.
We look forward to hearing from you again soon.
Sincerely,
Gary Ashley
Representative, Steelers Fans"
Week 11 Gamage please.
Cleveland has the runs - by that I mean a total of 181 yards in one single game instead of 181 yards in 2-3 combined games. 18 seconds into the game Cleveland already had 75 yards rushing and a 7-0 lead. Miami, in 13 year old gamer speak, was left wondering "wtf fag lolrofl!11!" Gus Frerotte (FROM! FORD CITY PENNSYLVANIA!) was left wondering "omfg wtf ur haking fag" after completing 4/18 for 53 yards and getting 0wn3d the entire day. It felt so Unreal (non-tournament edition) for Cleveland's rushing game to rise from the ashes of dog poop it formerly was. Miami will go outside and get some sunlight now. Lay off the forums, Dolphins. Greyhounds 22, OMGWTFDOLFINS 0
Thanksgiving teams do battle - The Cowboys and Lions met this week to discuss who would be bringing what Thursday to Thanksgiving. After the game they decided that Jerry Jones would be bringing the whupping, while Jeff Garcia brings the ass. and tons of it. An interesting note in this game in that there was not one passing touchdown the entire game. Sucks for your fantasy team. Marion Barber Triple I scored two TDs and Billy Cundiff (nominated for "kicker's name that best fit the territory he plays for" award) added two field goals as Detroit was arrested *COUGH* penalized 17 times for a football field plus 29 yards. Maybe on Thanksgiving they'll play a backyard game with no flags, instant replay, or Statue of Liberty plays with the 8 year old nephew. Let's hope no one throws their back out on Thursday. Tunaturducken 20, We Miss Barry Sanders 7
And the Suck Cable Car rolls on - You want the good news? ok here goes. San Francisco outscored Seattle 13-0 in the 4th quarter. You want the bad news? Niners lost again, this time by failing a two-point conversion at the DMV's office. You see what happens when you spend that time oggling girls in Driver's Ed? Things looked better for the Suckwagon in the second half as they layed off the soccer match and actually put the ball in the end zone with their hands instead of the feet. Then again it may have been Steve Young's hall of fame ring presentation at halftime that inspired them. That or Steve Young legally got his name changed to Ken Dorsey at halftime. As for Seattle, I see them making the playoffs for certain, but maybe not quite the Super Bowl. We'll see what happens, though. Flock of Seahawks 27, Suck Francisco 25
I don't wanna talk about this game - I've covered enough of the Ravens and Steelers disaster. I've picked on Maddox enough and I wanna stay that he's gonna sell some insurance to himself the next time he walks into Primanti's. I don't want to talk about how on Espn.com Cowher's coach fan approval rating dropped by 27 percentage points from the previous week. And I don't want to go as far as to say Tommy Maddox played Sunday in a league run by Vince McMahon in a game no one cared about. But I've had enough. Ben get well soon. We'll need you for the Colts Monday. Tommy, go throw yourself in traffic. Raisins 16, Maddox Sucks 13
Most Worthless Player - Tons of nominees for this week. Obvious nominee #1 is Tommy Maddox. Enough about that shitwad. Nominee #2 goes to the New York Jets offense for getting blanked 27-0 against the Broncos with just two offensive plays in the second quarter. Nominee #3 goes to the Buffalo Bills secondary for allowing 4 TDs from San Diego's Drew Brees.
However this week's MWP goes to the Houston Texans defense for giving up 31 points in the first half and gracing the national audience with the delightful third quarter conversations of Paul Macguire and Mike Patrick. Thank you Houston, I would not have cared if you did better. Much like Dom Capers.
posted by Gary at
12:25 AM
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