Monday Hangover: Icy Hot, the new NFL addiction
Icy Hot Stuntman: a term coined here on the Hangover that describes a player with a heavy ego that talks a lot of nonsense, while talented, that gets served like lunch. Icy Hot Stuntmen include Chad Johnson, who's grocery list of receivers burnt was replaced by a similar slam of a grocery list by head coach Marvin Lewis. Randy Moss was a Stuntman in Minnesota, but strangely has been quiet in Oakland while Minnesota is on Step 8 of the 12-step Anti-Icy Hot recovery process. Having Icy Hot Stuntmen is not exactly the best thing for a football team. Sure they have big talent, but with equally big egos. The ultimate double edged sword.
Which brings us to Philadelphia.
"Hi, I'm Andy Reid. I'm on Step 1 of the Anti-Icy Hot plan."
Terrell Owens, who for all senses and purposes and I agree with all sportswriters everywhere, will hereby be referred to in the Monday Hangover simply as "Jerkoff."
Jerkoff was suspended by the Eagles this week for basically arriving to the party and telling people how much the party sucked. It's only a matter of time before Jerkoff throws McNabb's stuff out of the apartment, calls him up and sends threatening voice mails, and eats massive amounts of ice cream while watching the Lifetime movie of the week. NFL rules state that a team can suspend a person for a maximum of 4 games. This isn't exactly a huge problem for the Eagles, considering they can bench him after the 4 games max. (Editor's Note: Monday Eagles head coach Andy Reid will suspend Owens for the four games and bench him as of next week.) However, the sports journalists are the midnight gnats to the poolside bug zapper that is Jerkoff.
So now here comes the dilemma: how do you avoid the ego that is Jerkoff? here's a sample scenario that makes every football fan, Jerkoff, and the Eagles winners, submitted by readers of the Hangover.
Gary Ashley: "The answer is simply for TO to throw in the towel. Eva Longoria's towel. TO needs to bang Eva Longoria, husband or not, affair or not, pregnancy or not, any way you want it because that's the way we need it. This scandal transcends the NFL and turns it over to Hollywood, thus taking the focus off of TO's negativity of the Eagles, TO gets famous for sex ala Paris Hilton, becomes the new endorser of Icy Hot and puts the 'Desparate' back in 'Desparate Housewives.' "
Ok enough Jerkoff talk. Let's talk some football.
Cleveland scores more than field goals - It may have taken them 13 games, but there is finally a running game in Cleveland. Correction, an offense that scores by points by not kicking the ball. The Sub Club was very un-sub-club like in this game, considering that anytime the Browns score more than 3 points and win each ticket is worth a free dinner at Modell's. Both Cleveland's Trent Dilfer and Tennessee's Steve AluMcNair passed each for 1 TD and 1 INT, while Craig Hentrich was an ugly 0/1 with a QB/Punter rating of zero. Glad he's not on my fantasy team. More than Phil Dawson 20, Tennessee Tigglebitties 14
NY Giants arrive at dentist office, peruse magazine rack, walk out of San Fran cavity free - You want the good news? ok here goes. The 49ers outscored the NY Giants 6-0 in the 3rd quarter. Now you want the bad news? ok here goes. The NY Giants outscored the 49ers 24-0 in the 1st, 3rd, and 4th quarters combined. The Giants historically have had tough times in San Francisco, but then again that was when one QB in SF played the entire season and not 14 of them. Plaxico "Too important in Pittsburgh" Burress made a 50-yd one handed grab that setup a 4th quarter TD for the Giants. By the way, on a scale of 1-10, how annoying is it when Chris Berman says "GEEEEE MEN!" on Giants game recaps? I'm guessing about a 12. Giants plan to win the rest of the season, so get your playoff tickets New York. As for SF, well I think Barry Bonds hit some old dingers into the water if you wanna scuba for them. Ghost of Mara 24, Joe Nedney 6
The wheels have fallen off the Maddencruiser - Ok Pittsburgh, you can all calm down now. You can all come out of your bomb shelters and return safely to your homes. As always in Pittsburgh everything goes on red alert when the minute hand in Big Ben stops. Charlie Batch, whom you may know for scoring a game-winning TD for the Steelers...in preseason, made his first NFL start in well over 2 years. Was it necessarily a tough outing? 53 yards passing, but that's forgiveable considering 154 yards rushing. Did we also mention that defense wins football games? Troy "Hair of Weird Al Yankovic" Polamalu's 77-yard fumble for TD made John Madden Brett Favre in his Brett Favre while Brett Favring. Next week Steelers play Shelbyville (CLE) at Heinz Field. Paul MacGwire today wrote up 45 3rd quater conversations for the game. Primanti Sandwich 20, Bloomin Onion w/ Cheese 10
Most Worthless Player - Jerkoff. O catches, 0 yards, 0 TDs, and suddenly fantasy teams around the internet are getting killed for having him on your team. He'll talk trash on "Reedy's Rockets" next week on ESPN.
Which brings us to Philadelphia.
"Hi, I'm Andy Reid. I'm on Step 1 of the Anti-Icy Hot plan."
Terrell Owens, who for all senses and purposes and I agree with all sportswriters everywhere, will hereby be referred to in the Monday Hangover simply as "Jerkoff."
Jerkoff was suspended by the Eagles this week for basically arriving to the party and telling people how much the party sucked. It's only a matter of time before Jerkoff throws McNabb's stuff out of the apartment, calls him up and sends threatening voice mails, and eats massive amounts of ice cream while watching the Lifetime movie of the week. NFL rules state that a team can suspend a person for a maximum of 4 games. This isn't exactly a huge problem for the Eagles, considering they can bench him after the 4 games max. (Editor's Note: Monday Eagles head coach Andy Reid will suspend Owens for the four games and bench him as of next week.) However, the sports journalists are the midnight gnats to the poolside bug zapper that is Jerkoff.
So now here comes the dilemma: how do you avoid the ego that is Jerkoff? here's a sample scenario that makes every football fan, Jerkoff, and the Eagles winners, submitted by readers of the Hangover.
Gary Ashley: "The answer is simply for TO to throw in the towel. Eva Longoria's towel. TO needs to bang Eva Longoria, husband or not, affair or not, pregnancy or not, any way you want it because that's the way we need it. This scandal transcends the NFL and turns it over to Hollywood, thus taking the focus off of TO's negativity of the Eagles, TO gets famous for sex ala Paris Hilton, becomes the new endorser of Icy Hot and puts the 'Desparate' back in 'Desparate Housewives.' "
Ok enough Jerkoff talk. Let's talk some football.
Cleveland scores more than field goals - It may have taken them 13 games, but there is finally a running game in Cleveland. Correction, an offense that scores by points by not kicking the ball. The Sub Club was very un-sub-club like in this game, considering that anytime the Browns score more than 3 points and win each ticket is worth a free dinner at Modell's. Both Cleveland's Trent Dilfer and Tennessee's Steve AluMcNair passed each for 1 TD and 1 INT, while Craig Hentrich was an ugly 0/1 with a QB/Punter rating of zero. Glad he's not on my fantasy team. More than Phil Dawson 20, Tennessee Tigglebitties 14
NY Giants arrive at dentist office, peruse magazine rack, walk out of San Fran cavity free - You want the good news? ok here goes. The 49ers outscored the NY Giants 6-0 in the 3rd quarter. Now you want the bad news? ok here goes. The NY Giants outscored the 49ers 24-0 in the 1st, 3rd, and 4th quarters combined. The Giants historically have had tough times in San Francisco, but then again that was when one QB in SF played the entire season and not 14 of them. Plaxico "Too important in Pittsburgh" Burress made a 50-yd one handed grab that setup a 4th quarter TD for the Giants. By the way, on a scale of 1-10, how annoying is it when Chris Berman says "GEEEEE MEN!" on Giants game recaps? I'm guessing about a 12. Giants plan to win the rest of the season, so get your playoff tickets New York. As for SF, well I think Barry Bonds hit some old dingers into the water if you wanna scuba for them. Ghost of Mara 24, Joe Nedney 6
The wheels have fallen off the Maddencruiser - Ok Pittsburgh, you can all calm down now. You can all come out of your bomb shelters and return safely to your homes. As always in Pittsburgh everything goes on red alert when the minute hand in Big Ben stops. Charlie Batch, whom you may know for scoring a game-winning TD for the Steelers...in preseason, made his first NFL start in well over 2 years. Was it necessarily a tough outing? 53 yards passing, but that's forgiveable considering 154 yards rushing. Did we also mention that defense wins football games? Troy "Hair of Weird Al Yankovic" Polamalu's 77-yard fumble for TD made John Madden Brett Favre in his Brett Favre while Brett Favring. Next week Steelers play Shelbyville (CLE) at Heinz Field. Paul MacGwire today wrote up 45 3rd quater conversations for the game. Primanti Sandwich 20, Bloomin Onion w/ Cheese 10
Most Worthless Player - Jerkoff. O catches, 0 yards, 0 TDs, and suddenly fantasy teams around the internet are getting killed for having him on your team. He'll talk trash on "Reedy's Rockets" next week on ESPN.
posted by Gary at
12:54 AM
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
Subscribe to Post Comments [Atom]
<< Home