Monday Hangover: Grading the Kickers

If "Threshold for Pain" were a fantasy stat worth points, Reedy's team would be winning this week 130-45.

Week 3 saw a good number of kickers with some last minute finales, and also a few notes here and there. Before we get into this week's recap of the Hangover, let's review the clutch and crutch kickers of this week:

David Akers (PHI) - Damn. I mean, damn. It was a rough as hell day for the man who last week had a lineman kick a field goal for him. First kick he reaggrevates his leg. Problem: kicking team was offsides. Solution: suck it up and re kick. Akers's leg damn-near snaps off the rest of his body. Problem: kicking team offsides again. Solution: Just let TO score TDs and let the punter kick PATs. Problem: game winning field goal opportunity. Solution: Kayhonas. Akers pulls one from the Kerri Strugg's books on tape series "How to win sports competitions while in a shitload of pain" and wins ones for the Eagles. Grade: A+

Adam Vinateri (NE) - This is gonna pain me to write this considering it was a good game, but you gotta admit that Vinateri makes a pretty good person to hold your beer. You know, with all that frickin ice water in his veins. Apperently Vinateri knows a lot of football, but it seems like us Steeler fans need to introduce the word "Noonan" into his vocabulary. Oh by the way he missed one from 52 earlier in the game. Happy Gilmore is human afterall. I give him a lower grade because it didn't feel like he was getting repeatedly hit in the leg with 500 six year olds with wiffleball bats. Grade: A-

Olindo Mare (MIA) - Boy if you bought your Football Farmer's Almanac at the beginning of the year and you bet on sports, that has most certainly paid off. If you turned to page 145 under "weather predictions", you would read the following: "Tropical Depression Wannsteadt will be moving north carrying winds way under .500 mph. Expect a front from the Louisiana area to arrive and sunshine for a lengthy period." Happy times indeed for Miami as Olindo Mare does his business in the 4th quarter and washes his hands after the game. Carolina sadly, it's the autoflush for you. Steve Smith gets 3 TDs while Gus "Greatest thing to come out of Ford City" Ferotte gets 2. Grade: A-/B+

Ryan Longwell (GB) - You think Green Bay's having problems now? I'm thinking Green Bad is going through a process of Maddenomics: constant praise for Brett Favre even in great times of the suck. And it's a trickle-down process also; if Favre does bad, everyone else does. As is the case with Longwell who pulled a Kris Brown/Heinz Field and missed an extra point in the battle of the Bays, only Tampa winning. I think if you miss a PAT you should lose points. But thankfully fantasy football is not a legitimate sport. Grade: D-

Jose "Smalls" Cortez (DAL) - Cortez has had an ugly history involving footballs and kicking them long distances between upright yellow poles. He was cut by SF last year because he blew two easy field goals in overtime and ended up losing the game. He couldn't hit the Broadband side of 3Com Park. So on the first touchdown of the game Smalls kicks the PAT, and apperently some college kid fell asleep at Madden as he shanks the PAT way left. Offensive Lineman Larry Allen goes over to him, grabbing him by the face mask and gives him the "You're killing me, Smalls!" speech. Roughing the Kicker's Self-Esteem, 10 yard penalty on the ensuing locker room hazing. Grade: F

To the results please:

Steelers pummel Patriots, Patriots call older brother, gang beat Steelers and steal their lunch money - It was a sad day in Pittsburgh as that damn Tom Brady once again reapplies the monkey on the backs of the Steelers. And much like an actual monkey, Brady was throwing nothing but shit until about the 4th quarter. Since the Steelers ended the Patriots assininizingly long winning streak last year, they decided to sadly return the favor this game by ending Ben Rothlisburger's undefeated starting QB streak at 15. Did I also mention that 3 Patriot players were injured in this game? Something to consider for the score joke at the end. If the Patriots had their own show on the NFL Network it would be called "Popped Collar TV" because that's how much of toolsheds they are. This is pure jealously from a Steelers fan and I never stated fair reporting in this column. Patriots win, Steelers plan to steal their mascot and hold them for ransom. The Nurse's Office 23, Steelers 20

Cleveland TIVOs game at RCA Dome, plans to play it later - The only problem was that during the commercials they seemed to skip past the good part of the show. You know, the part where the Colts defense shows up. It's good to see Indianapolis get some defense and not use a Paper Football mentality of scoring touchdowns, kicking field goals, and pinning your opponent close to the edge of the table...I mean end zone. Colts win their seventh straight home game, cause they got the in-demand service. And apperently the episodes with the defense are very much in-demand. Just hope they include it on the boxed set later this year. Dawn of the Defense 13, Phil Dawson 6 Phil Dawson: C

Hilary gets a good start to the week - I already covered parts of this in the kicker evaluation, but I feel Dallas should go for 2 every time. You know, let Smalls out of the game as much as possible. Bledsoe connected twice to Tony Parrish, once for a touchdown. Sadly for Dalls Parrish wasn't being mind controlled by Jerry Jones and plays for SF. What was great was that SF got into it instead of just laying there while Dallas did all the work. Rattay connected for 3 TDs and 2 INTs, and the real winners are FOX's Nielsen ratings. Oh and Jerry Jones also. The Sandlot 34, TI-49ers 31

Most Worthless Player: Jose "Smalls" Cortez of Dallas. Ok I've picked on him enough this week, maybe next week he'll kick a game winner or call Benny Rodriguez stealing home plate.

Gary Ashley is not a professional football column writer. In fact, he is the Brian Fellow equivalent of sports journalism. He regularly posts on his blog "Behind the Mayhem" and does original comedy media for his site "TM2 Productions" available at www.tm2productions.tk