Monday Hangover: A Footblog WITH BALLS!

In what will be another failed attempt at a steady column on this blog, I'll be giving my football insight (which is bullshit) on Sunday's hardcore football action. However, unlike scouring each and every single team, I plan to focus solely on 4 NFL teams this season. Here they are:

Pittsburgh Steelers

We're the hometown team. We'll kick your ass with honor, dignity, and none of that dirty Oakland shit. We run the ball, we throw the ball, and we are destined to one day get the one for the thumb before Tom Brady does. Nostrildamus predicts: AFC Championship

San Francisco 49ers

There was a kid at my high school that was a die-hard 49ers fan and would use them a lot when he played Madden 94...in 1998. Following their dismal season last year they have a lot of remaking to do. I don't say rebuilding, because after all it is San Francisco. Nostrildamus predicts: barely over .500

Dallas Cowboys

Jerry Jones represents all that is evil, but he does coach I mean put together a good football team. The big offseason story there is the reuniting of Bledsoe and Parcells, both trading chowder for chili. But thankfully the amount of hatred towards them has subsided over the years, so they're on ok terms now. But still, Jerry Jones is evil. Nostrildamus predicts: playoff appearance

Cleveland Browns

Trent Dilfer is the starting QB whore of the National Football League. Jeff Garcia couldn't swallow Cleveland and left to be with the carrier of his manchild Steve Mariucci in Detroit (and even know Garcia is injured, I'm sure he had something to do with the new outfits and the improved morale. SERVICE!). Dilfer will do a lot of backup this season: He gets sacked and "backup" he goes. Nostrildamus predicts: The butt of many Jay Leno monologue jokes. Sorry Cleveland. I'm near Pittsburgh.

Week 1 Recap

Steelers trounce Titans - Did you know Steve McNair is the $6 million man? no, not because he's getting paid $6 million this season, but because 60% of his body is made out of aluminum. Just think, the can of pepsi/coke you're drinking right now 2 seasons from now will be replacing McNair's elbow. And when he gets hit, it'll be more like a "CLANG!" than a "THUD!". "Fast" Willie Parker runs for 162, Ben rolls a perfect game-esque passer rating, and the Steelers score on 6 posessions. Chris Gardocki was handed a lawnchair and a lemonade, and his foot almost fell asleep in the 4th when he punted only once. Come on, 2nd string. What's the point in winning if you can't win big? Gameplan for next week is to study film footage of the Immaculate Reception, spliced in with the Burger King mascot as Franco Harris. Steelers 34, Titties 7

Niners Win, Who's Tim Rattay? - "Wait, isn't he the punter?" "I thought he was the equipment manager." No, he's the backup to Wunderkid Alex Smith who got benched for the veteran of NFL Europe. Rattay chucks 2 TDs as SF puts up 21 straight points in the 2nd. St. Louis is all-offense and no-defense as Mark "Looks like my cousin Jared" Bulger throws 2 TDs but not enough to hold off those tricky Niners. Kevin Barlow, 22 yards rushing by the way. St. Louis should've won this. Niners 28, St. Losers 25

Dallas Wins, Jerry Jones is still evil - Bledsoe chucks 3 TDs as the Emperor to his Darth Vader looks on at San Diego's AmeriCellularNationAST Stadium. Yes it is Qualcomm, but it's more funny when you poke fun of the ever changing name of stadiums bought by cell phone companies. At one point Dallas was penalized 5 straight times, setting up a 4th and From the Nacho Cart punt. Drew Brees throwing 2 INTs, however not good enough to score this week's "Most Worthless Player" award, which, much like the collective Jets ass, is being handed to Chad Pennington. Dallas wins, let's have chili. Cowbells 28, Static Cling 24

Cincinnati Wins Nerd Fight, Cleveland gets picked up at school - The battle for Ohio was also called this week's AFC Nerd Fight; Not a lot of strength, but REALLY entertaining to watch. Of course Cincy was more like the band kid to the "weird guy sitting at the edge of the table rocking back and forth" that Cleveland was. Trent Dilfer was picked off the street and picked off twice in his start with the Cleveland Browns. You know I think he's trying to get the NFL coin collection by playing on every single team. Tampa Bay, Baltimore, Seattle, and now Cleveland. If you can find me a bigger starting QB whore still active today, send him my way. I need him for my flag football team. Ok maybe not. In Nick at Nite terms it would be WKRP beating the crap out of Drew Carey. Sorry kids, but that's how it goes. Now let's pick up some retainers and head to week 2. (Cincin)Natti Ice 27, Mervin Duckwith (Cleveland) 13

Next Week's Key Prediction: Burger King Mascot - 40 TDs on Sunday, 23 Million WTFs in households