Monday Hangover: Letter to Baltimore

"Dear management of the Baltimore Ravens,

As a Pittsburgh Steelers fan we have already graced your benches with Kordell Stewart, our former hero-turned-bum-turned-queer eye for Cowher's eye that nearly costed Cowher his job and left us waiting for Pirates baseball. Both of which are not good things. We thank you for picking up this acquistion and look forward to smacking the crying crap out of him the next time your QB gets injured in Pittsburgh.

What I wish to discuss with you is one Tommy Maddox. I feel that Mr. Maddox would be a cornerstone asset to your organization considering that you already have another hero-turned-bum-turned-pocket passer that's costed us home field advantage. To the Pittsburgh Steelers Ben Rothlisburger is like the Otto to our Pin Pals; Tommy Maddox our Mr. Burns. And please, in all serious save the lobster harmonica jokes for later. You see Mr. Maddox has already completed multiple passes to your top defensive ends and could result in more points if he were playing for the correct team. Which isn't ours. Sure Maddox may have the mobility of an office plant, but the Steelers have a "you break you buy" policy, and I believe it's time for you to purchase Maddox in a lucrative, groundbreaking deal.

What we ask is that we leave Mr. Maddox in Baltimore after we throw him off the team bus at 55 mph. What's left of him can play for your proud, Super Bowl winning team and hopefully lead him to a Super Bowl or future seasons of mediocrity. In return we would like Raphael Palmeiro's drug stash completely sent over to the Dallas Cowboys via UPS in order to keep Maddox's level of suck out of our minds here in the 'Burgh. Cause if Dallas can't fall into controversy, then they can always pull a boner next week. Seeing is how they've been doing plenty of that this season.

We look forward to hearing from you again soon.

Sincerely,



Gary Ashley
Representative, Steelers Fans"

Week 11 Gamage please.

Cleveland has the runs - by that I mean a total of 181 yards in one single game instead of 181 yards in 2-3 combined games. 18 seconds into the game Cleveland already had 75 yards rushing and a 7-0 lead. Miami, in 13 year old gamer speak, was left wondering "wtf fag lolrofl!11!" Gus Frerotte (FROM! FORD CITY PENNSYLVANIA!) was left wondering "omfg wtf ur haking fag" after completing 4/18 for 53 yards and getting 0wn3d the entire day. It felt so Unreal (non-tournament edition) for Cleveland's rushing game to rise from the ashes of dog poop it formerly was. Miami will go outside and get some sunlight now. Lay off the forums, Dolphins. Greyhounds 22, OMGWTFDOLFINS 0

Thanksgiving teams do battle - The Cowboys and Lions met this week to discuss who would be bringing what Thursday to Thanksgiving. After the game they decided that Jerry Jones would be bringing the whupping, while Jeff Garcia brings the ass. and tons of it. An interesting note in this game in that there was not one passing touchdown the entire game. Sucks for your fantasy team. Marion Barber Triple I scored two TDs and Billy Cundiff (nominated for "kicker's name that best fit the territory he plays for" award) added two field goals as Detroit was arrested *COUGH* penalized 17 times for a football field plus 29 yards. Maybe on Thanksgiving they'll play a backyard game with no flags, instant replay, or Statue of Liberty plays with the 8 year old nephew. Let's hope no one throws their back out on Thursday. Tunaturducken 20, We Miss Barry Sanders 7

And the Suck Cable Car rolls on - You want the good news? ok here goes. San Francisco outscored Seattle 13-0 in the 4th quarter. You want the bad news? Niners lost again, this time by failing a two-point conversion at the DMV's office. You see what happens when you spend that time oggling girls in Driver's Ed? Things looked better for the Suckwagon in the second half as they layed off the soccer match and actually put the ball in the end zone with their hands instead of the feet. Then again it may have been Steve Young's hall of fame ring presentation at halftime that inspired them. That or Steve Young legally got his name changed to Ken Dorsey at halftime. As for Seattle, I see them making the playoffs for certain, but maybe not quite the Super Bowl. We'll see what happens, though. Flock of Seahawks 27, Suck Francisco 25

I don't wanna talk about this game - I've covered enough of the Ravens and Steelers disaster. I've picked on Maddox enough and I wanna stay that he's gonna sell some insurance to himself the next time he walks into Primanti's. I don't want to talk about how on Espn.com Cowher's coach fan approval rating dropped by 27 percentage points from the previous week. And I don't want to go as far as to say Tommy Maddox played Sunday in a league run by Vince McMahon in a game no one cared about. But I've had enough. Ben get well soon. We'll need you for the Colts Monday. Tommy, go throw yourself in traffic. Raisins 16, Maddox Sucks 13

Most Worthless Player - Tons of nominees for this week. Obvious nominee #1 is Tommy Maddox. Enough about that shitwad. Nominee #2 goes to the New York Jets offense for getting blanked 27-0 against the Broncos with just two offensive plays in the second quarter. Nominee #3 goes to the Buffalo Bills secondary for allowing 4 TDs from San Diego's Drew Brees.

However this week's MWP goes to the Houston Texans defense for giving up 31 points in the first half and gracing the national audience with the delightful third quarter conversations of Paul Macguire and Mike Patrick. Thank you Houston, I would not have cared if you did better. Much like Dom Capers.

Monday Hangover: Eating from the same Garbage Can

The Exile of Tommy Maddox - Part 2

After being exiled from Pittsburgh following his disasterous performance against Jacksonville, Maddox went first into the wilderness to find himself, and came out realizing that in fact he's turtling it by being a former shell of himself. After walking on a desolate road somewhere in the middle of nowhere, he came across a diner just off of I-79. I mean, really off. This was no oridinary diner.

It was "Gretta's". Also known as "The home of crappy former Steeler quarterbacks."

There at a table near the back of this Winnebago-converted-into-a-diner restaraunt, there was a small shrine of mediocrity. Just as Maddox turned around, a figure reeking of more Scotch than Ron Burgundy on a 24 hour cable news station, approached him.

"Hey! You're that XHL guy ain't you?"

It was none other than former Steelers quarterback Bubby Brister.

"Well not really, I'm starter for the Steelers," asserted Tommy, looking around to find Neil O'Donnell cowering in the corner holding a Larry Brown Starting Lineup action figure and Jim Miller eating a cup of wedding soup. This was an all too bizarre place for Maddox, however after a while he had become accustomed to the place after a piece of Strawberry pie.

He was hooked.

With Maddox's confidence boosted in that he still has a job and his cohorts have become absolute wrecks, he hitches the next ride back to Heinz Field in the back of a primer-colored beater truck.

Halftime, Charlie Batch is injured with a broken hand. Maddox barely makes it to the stadium on time and starts the 3rd quarter as the boo birds migrate back to Pittsburgh. Maddox does very little in the game, relying more on the run game and doing minimal passing as Pittsburgh wins on over Cleveland.

TO BE CONTINUED

To the games for Week 10:

Monday Bonus: Dallas drinks a tall glass of irony - I've picked on Dallas a fair share this season for pulling moneumental chokejobs. This week Dallas was on the other end of the choke by scoring 14 points in less than 2 mins as Andy Reid is on Step 3 of the 12 step program. Step 3 in case you're wondering is a five game losing streak. Dallas hands out a choke to Philly. Maybe T.O. was right. Salsa 21, T.0wn3d 14

This Game Blows - No literally. this game blew. as in, 45 mph winds. You know it's just hilarious when for once the 49ers aren't at the butt of the jokes. One field goal attempt by the Bears went comically wide right. As in, wide right straight into the stands on the side. The Bears also wrote some history this game as Nathan Vasher returned a messed up field goal 108 yards for a TD and a new NFL record for longest play. As if the 49ers season couldn't get any worse, they're now the answer to a Trivial Persuit question. Da Bears 17, Joe Nedney 9

3rd Quarter, Pittsburgh should've just pulled the goalie - Hines Ward in this game passed John Stallworth for the Steelers all-time career receptions by a wide receiver. You see the Steelers do celebrate individual accomplishments. As long as you're not a dick about it, Jerkoff. Antwaan Randle El pulled the And1 Mixed Tape play of the game with a fake reverse pass to Hines Ward 53 yards for a TD. The DJ was quoted on the field as saying "OHH BABAY! OHH BABAY!" Hot Sauce will be available next game as a safety. Springfield 34, Shelbyville 21

Most Worthless Player- Brook Bollinger, going 11/21 for 98 yards and 4 INTs, making the second Jets QB this season that has been awarded the MWP.

Monday Hangover: Icy Hot, the new NFL addiction

Icy Hot Stuntman: a term coined here on the Hangover that describes a player with a heavy ego that talks a lot of nonsense, while talented, that gets served like lunch. Icy Hot Stuntmen include Chad Johnson, who's grocery list of receivers burnt was replaced by a similar slam of a grocery list by head coach Marvin Lewis. Randy Moss was a Stuntman in Minnesota, but strangely has been quiet in Oakland while Minnesota is on Step 8 of the 12-step Anti-Icy Hot recovery process. Having Icy Hot Stuntmen is not exactly the best thing for a football team. Sure they have big talent, but with equally big egos. The ultimate double edged sword.

Which brings us to Philadelphia.

"Hi, I'm Andy Reid. I'm on Step 1 of the Anti-Icy Hot plan."

Terrell Owens, who for all senses and purposes and I agree with all sportswriters everywhere, will hereby be referred to in the Monday Hangover simply as "Jerkoff."

Jerkoff was suspended by the Eagles this week for basically arriving to the party and telling people how much the party sucked. It's only a matter of time before Jerkoff throws McNabb's stuff out of the apartment, calls him up and sends threatening voice mails, and eats massive amounts of ice cream while watching the Lifetime movie of the week. NFL rules state that a team can suspend a person for a maximum of 4 games. This isn't exactly a huge problem for the Eagles, considering they can bench him after the 4 games max. (Editor's Note: Monday Eagles head coach Andy Reid will suspend Owens for the four games and bench him as of next week.) However, the sports journalists are the midnight gnats to the poolside bug zapper that is Jerkoff.

So now here comes the dilemma: how do you avoid the ego that is Jerkoff? here's a sample scenario that makes every football fan, Jerkoff, and the Eagles winners, submitted by readers of the Hangover.

Gary Ashley: "The answer is simply for TO to throw in the towel. Eva Longoria's towel. TO needs to bang Eva Longoria, husband or not, affair or not, pregnancy or not, any way you want it because that's the way we need it. This scandal transcends the NFL and turns it over to Hollywood, thus taking the focus off of TO's negativity of the Eagles, TO gets famous for sex ala Paris Hilton, becomes the new endorser of Icy Hot and puts the 'Desparate' back in 'Desparate Housewives.' "

Ok enough Jerkoff talk. Let's talk some football.

Cleveland scores more than field goals - It may have taken them 13 games, but there is finally a running game in Cleveland. Correction, an offense that scores by points by not kicking the ball. The Sub Club was very un-sub-club like in this game, considering that anytime the Browns score more than 3 points and win each ticket is worth a free dinner at Modell's. Both Cleveland's Trent Dilfer and Tennessee's Steve AluMcNair passed each for 1 TD and 1 INT, while Craig Hentrich was an ugly 0/1 with a QB/Punter rating of zero. Glad he's not on my fantasy team. More than Phil Dawson 20, Tennessee Tigglebitties 14

NY Giants arrive at dentist office, peruse magazine rack, walk out of San Fran cavity free - You want the good news? ok here goes. The 49ers outscored the NY Giants 6-0 in the 3rd quarter. Now you want the bad news? ok here goes. The NY Giants outscored the 49ers 24-0 in the 1st, 3rd, and 4th quarters combined. The Giants historically have had tough times in San Francisco, but then again that was when one QB in SF played the entire season and not 14 of them. Plaxico "Too important in Pittsburgh" Burress made a 50-yd one handed grab that setup a 4th quarter TD for the Giants. By the way, on a scale of 1-10, how annoying is it when Chris Berman says "GEEEEE MEN!" on Giants game recaps? I'm guessing about a 12. Giants plan to win the rest of the season, so get your playoff tickets New York. As for SF, well I think Barry Bonds hit some old dingers into the water if you wanna scuba for them. Ghost of Mara 24, Joe Nedney 6

The wheels have fallen off the Maddencruiser - Ok Pittsburgh, you can all calm down now. You can all come out of your bomb shelters and return safely to your homes. As always in Pittsburgh everything goes on red alert when the minute hand in Big Ben stops. Charlie Batch, whom you may know for scoring a game-winning TD for the Steelers...in preseason, made his first NFL start in well over 2 years. Was it necessarily a tough outing? 53 yards passing, but that's forgiveable considering 154 yards rushing. Did we also mention that defense wins football games? Troy "Hair of Weird Al Yankovic" Polamalu's 77-yard fumble for TD made John Madden Brett Favre in his Brett Favre while Brett Favring. Next week Steelers play Shelbyville (CLE) at Heinz Field. Paul MacGwire today wrote up 45 3rd quater conversations for the game. Primanti Sandwich 20, Bloomin Onion w/ Cheese 10

Most Worthless Player - Jerkoff. O catches, 0 yards, 0 TDs, and suddenly fantasy teams around the internet are getting killed for having him on your team. He'll talk trash on "Reedy's Rockets" next week on ESPN.

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