Monday Hangover: Grading the Kickers

If "Threshold for Pain" were a fantasy stat worth points, Reedy's team would be winning this week 130-45.

Week 3 saw a good number of kickers with some last minute finales, and also a few notes here and there. Before we get into this week's recap of the Hangover, let's review the clutch and crutch kickers of this week:

David Akers (PHI) - Damn. I mean, damn. It was a rough as hell day for the man who last week had a lineman kick a field goal for him. First kick he reaggrevates his leg. Problem: kicking team was offsides. Solution: suck it up and re kick. Akers's leg damn-near snaps off the rest of his body. Problem: kicking team offsides again. Solution: Just let TO score TDs and let the punter kick PATs. Problem: game winning field goal opportunity. Solution: Kayhonas. Akers pulls one from the Kerri Strugg's books on tape series "How to win sports competitions while in a shitload of pain" and wins ones for the Eagles. Grade: A+

Adam Vinateri (NE) - This is gonna pain me to write this considering it was a good game, but you gotta admit that Vinateri makes a pretty good person to hold your beer. You know, with all that frickin ice water in his veins. Apperently Vinateri knows a lot of football, but it seems like us Steeler fans need to introduce the word "Noonan" into his vocabulary. Oh by the way he missed one from 52 earlier in the game. Happy Gilmore is human afterall. I give him a lower grade because it didn't feel like he was getting repeatedly hit in the leg with 500 six year olds with wiffleball bats. Grade: A-

Olindo Mare (MIA) - Boy if you bought your Football Farmer's Almanac at the beginning of the year and you bet on sports, that has most certainly paid off. If you turned to page 145 under "weather predictions", you would read the following: "Tropical Depression Wannsteadt will be moving north carrying winds way under .500 mph. Expect a front from the Louisiana area to arrive and sunshine for a lengthy period." Happy times indeed for Miami as Olindo Mare does his business in the 4th quarter and washes his hands after the game. Carolina sadly, it's the autoflush for you. Steve Smith gets 3 TDs while Gus "Greatest thing to come out of Ford City" Ferotte gets 2. Grade: A-/B+

Ryan Longwell (GB) - You think Green Bay's having problems now? I'm thinking Green Bad is going through a process of Maddenomics: constant praise for Brett Favre even in great times of the suck. And it's a trickle-down process also; if Favre does bad, everyone else does. As is the case with Longwell who pulled a Kris Brown/Heinz Field and missed an extra point in the battle of the Bays, only Tampa winning. I think if you miss a PAT you should lose points. But thankfully fantasy football is not a legitimate sport. Grade: D-

Jose "Smalls" Cortez (DAL) - Cortez has had an ugly history involving footballs and kicking them long distances between upright yellow poles. He was cut by SF last year because he blew two easy field goals in overtime and ended up losing the game. He couldn't hit the Broadband side of 3Com Park. So on the first touchdown of the game Smalls kicks the PAT, and apperently some college kid fell asleep at Madden as he shanks the PAT way left. Offensive Lineman Larry Allen goes over to him, grabbing him by the face mask and gives him the "You're killing me, Smalls!" speech. Roughing the Kicker's Self-Esteem, 10 yard penalty on the ensuing locker room hazing. Grade: F

To the results please:

Steelers pummel Patriots, Patriots call older brother, gang beat Steelers and steal their lunch money - It was a sad day in Pittsburgh as that damn Tom Brady once again reapplies the monkey on the backs of the Steelers. And much like an actual monkey, Brady was throwing nothing but shit until about the 4th quarter. Since the Steelers ended the Patriots assininizingly long winning streak last year, they decided to sadly return the favor this game by ending Ben Rothlisburger's undefeated starting QB streak at 15. Did I also mention that 3 Patriot players were injured in this game? Something to consider for the score joke at the end. If the Patriots had their own show on the NFL Network it would be called "Popped Collar TV" because that's how much of toolsheds they are. This is pure jealously from a Steelers fan and I never stated fair reporting in this column. Patriots win, Steelers plan to steal their mascot and hold them for ransom. The Nurse's Office 23, Steelers 20

Cleveland TIVOs game at RCA Dome, plans to play it later - The only problem was that during the commercials they seemed to skip past the good part of the show. You know, the part where the Colts defense shows up. It's good to see Indianapolis get some defense and not use a Paper Football mentality of scoring touchdowns, kicking field goals, and pinning your opponent close to the edge of the table...I mean end zone. Colts win their seventh straight home game, cause they got the in-demand service. And apperently the episodes with the defense are very much in-demand. Just hope they include it on the boxed set later this year. Dawn of the Defense 13, Phil Dawson 6 Phil Dawson: C

Hilary gets a good start to the week - I already covered parts of this in the kicker evaluation, but I feel Dallas should go for 2 every time. You know, let Smalls out of the game as much as possible. Bledsoe connected twice to Tony Parrish, once for a touchdown. Sadly for Dalls Parrish wasn't being mind controlled by Jerry Jones and plays for SF. What was great was that SF got into it instead of just laying there while Dallas did all the work. Rattay connected for 3 TDs and 2 INTs, and the real winners are FOX's Nielsen ratings. Oh and Jerry Jones also. The Sandlot 34, TI-49ers 31

Most Worthless Player: Jose "Smalls" Cortez of Dallas. Ok I've picked on him enough this week, maybe next week he'll kick a game winner or call Benny Rodriguez stealing home plate.

Gary Ashley is not a professional football column writer. In fact, he is the Brian Fellow equivalent of sports journalism. He regularly posts on his blog "Behind the Mayhem" and does original comedy media for his site "TM2 Productions" available at www.tm2productions.tk

Monday Hangover: Tip for Week 3, don't start David Aikers

It was Labor Day weekend when Reedy stopped over at my house. The reason for that was his internet connection was acting much weird, thereby his fantasy draft picks were quickly being snagged. He only missed about 3 of them, but that's besides the point. His turn to pick:

Reedy: "who should I go with?"
Me: "I say pick Jeff Reed."
Reedy: "...that's a good call."

The initial reasoning behind that was based on a preseason assumption that the Steelers offense would not be up to snuff when gameday rolled around. Was I ever wrong or what? The reason for the Jeff Reed pick was that Reedy would amass huge points from red zone field goals for his fantasy team.

This was after he had already picked David Aikers. To review how that picked worked out, Aikers missed two field goals in Week 1 while Jeff Reed was kicking extra points like they were going out of style faster than slap bracelets at a middle school. This week 2 Aikers once again did not deliver.

He was injured for one kick.

If you have Mark Simineau on your fantasy team, you are a brave, brave man. The linebacker for the Eagles was called in to kick the extra point after another Eagles touchdown over Sucktown I mean San Francisco. More on that later. Simineau kicked the extra point, and split it perfectly. Enter him in for the car drawing, RMU.

And now, this week's Sunday recap, sans Cowboys cause they play Monday:

Steelers rumble at Unreliant Stadium - Why do I have this feeling this weekend was "It was over before you got there" weekend? While Gary was missing the first game of his 5 game hiatus due to play practice, the Steelers played in the sun in Reliant Stadium with the door open. 20-0 at the half. Thankfully for sportscasters on CBS you can put away your barrel of anecdotes for the 3rd quarter when the game's out of hand for next week. Steelers are playing the Pats, which got handed the "0wn3d" card today from Carolina, next week in what should be the first real season game for the steller stellers. Oh, and Reedy, Jeff Reed kicked two field goals. You really need to start him. Steelermania 27, Cattleheads 7

Cleveland's Revenge of the Nerds - Brett Favre threw for 50,000 career yards this game to a standing ovation. No, they weren't happy he hit this milestone. They were clapping that John Madden was not calling this game. Because after all, I think those two fathered a child or something. That or Brett owns stock in Ace Hardware. tool. While I could play a Madden and talk about Brett Favre this entire recap, I won't. Did you know Brett Favre wore braces once? That's amazing. Reminded me one time on the Maddencruiser when we got loaded and started doing donuts in the Unreliant Stadium parking lot. Oh sorry. Got carried away. Who did Brett Favre play against today? What? He lost? Brett Favre can't lose! Get me a fuckin bloomin onion! Romeo's Kennel 26, Brett Favre's Team 24

In San Francisco, there is a spoon - Tim Rattay is a Matrix-like player. No, I'm not talking about gravity-defying moves. No, I'm not talking about being super cool. And no, I am most certainly not talking being "The One." You see much like The Matrix movie, the first was good and the sequels sucked. Well Tim, slap your ass and call yourself Trinity in Reloaded, cause YOU. GOT. FUCKED. Sunday morning Mike Nolan, SF head coach, and Tim Rattay opted to take the red pill. They all got unplugged and found out how much of an abso-mess their football team is. They called Alex Smith their One. They found out he was their Mouse. 0/1 and only played one series. Rattay was picked more times than a 6 year old's nose. Meanwhile Agent McNabb and Agent Owens Burly Brawled for 2 TDs and McNabb found three other Agents and connected for 3 more. 28-0 at half time. McNabb played with a bruised chest. There is no pain in the Eaglematrix. There is, however, in SF. I'll prepare that EMP for next week, Niners. David Aikers before injury kicked for 4 PATs. Sorry Reedy, but 6 beats 4. Agent McNabb and TO: 14 + The others: 28 = "afhJfavIcaMebqeySruHOqeqW" 42, Oh those Worthless Niners 3

Week 2's Most Worthless Player: Dante Culpepper with 5 INTs. In the words of Payton Manning, your offense is offensive. He got picked more time than...well, this time the kid's finger is much higher in the nasal cavity and he's sitting pretty in the nurse's office.

Monday Hangover: A Footblog WITH BALLS!

In what will be another failed attempt at a steady column on this blog, I'll be giving my football insight (which is bullshit) on Sunday's hardcore football action. However, unlike scouring each and every single team, I plan to focus solely on 4 NFL teams this season. Here they are:

Pittsburgh Steelers

We're the hometown team. We'll kick your ass with honor, dignity, and none of that dirty Oakland shit. We run the ball, we throw the ball, and we are destined to one day get the one for the thumb before Tom Brady does. Nostrildamus predicts: AFC Championship

San Francisco 49ers

There was a kid at my high school that was a die-hard 49ers fan and would use them a lot when he played Madden 94...in 1998. Following their dismal season last year they have a lot of remaking to do. I don't say rebuilding, because after all it is San Francisco. Nostrildamus predicts: barely over .500

Dallas Cowboys

Jerry Jones represents all that is evil, but he does coach I mean put together a good football team. The big offseason story there is the reuniting of Bledsoe and Parcells, both trading chowder for chili. But thankfully the amount of hatred towards them has subsided over the years, so they're on ok terms now. But still, Jerry Jones is evil. Nostrildamus predicts: playoff appearance

Cleveland Browns

Trent Dilfer is the starting QB whore of the National Football League. Jeff Garcia couldn't swallow Cleveland and left to be with the carrier of his manchild Steve Mariucci in Detroit (and even know Garcia is injured, I'm sure he had something to do with the new outfits and the improved morale. SERVICE!). Dilfer will do a lot of backup this season: He gets sacked and "backup" he goes. Nostrildamus predicts: The butt of many Jay Leno monologue jokes. Sorry Cleveland. I'm near Pittsburgh.

Week 1 Recap

Steelers trounce Titans - Did you know Steve McNair is the $6 million man? no, not because he's getting paid $6 million this season, but because 60% of his body is made out of aluminum. Just think, the can of pepsi/coke you're drinking right now 2 seasons from now will be replacing McNair's elbow. And when he gets hit, it'll be more like a "CLANG!" than a "THUD!". "Fast" Willie Parker runs for 162, Ben rolls a perfect game-esque passer rating, and the Steelers score on 6 posessions. Chris Gardocki was handed a lawnchair and a lemonade, and his foot almost fell asleep in the 4th when he punted only once. Come on, 2nd string. What's the point in winning if you can't win big? Gameplan for next week is to study film footage of the Immaculate Reception, spliced in with the Burger King mascot as Franco Harris. Steelers 34, Titties 7

Niners Win, Who's Tim Rattay? - "Wait, isn't he the punter?" "I thought he was the equipment manager." No, he's the backup to Wunderkid Alex Smith who got benched for the veteran of NFL Europe. Rattay chucks 2 TDs as SF puts up 21 straight points in the 2nd. St. Louis is all-offense and no-defense as Mark "Looks like my cousin Jared" Bulger throws 2 TDs but not enough to hold off those tricky Niners. Kevin Barlow, 22 yards rushing by the way. St. Louis should've won this. Niners 28, St. Losers 25

Dallas Wins, Jerry Jones is still evil - Bledsoe chucks 3 TDs as the Emperor to his Darth Vader looks on at San Diego's AmeriCellularNationAST Stadium. Yes it is Qualcomm, but it's more funny when you poke fun of the ever changing name of stadiums bought by cell phone companies. At one point Dallas was penalized 5 straight times, setting up a 4th and From the Nacho Cart punt. Drew Brees throwing 2 INTs, however not good enough to score this week's "Most Worthless Player" award, which, much like the collective Jets ass, is being handed to Chad Pennington. Dallas wins, let's have chili. Cowbells 28, Static Cling 24

Cincinnati Wins Nerd Fight, Cleveland gets picked up at school - The battle for Ohio was also called this week's AFC Nerd Fight; Not a lot of strength, but REALLY entertaining to watch. Of course Cincy was more like the band kid to the "weird guy sitting at the edge of the table rocking back and forth" that Cleveland was. Trent Dilfer was picked off the street and picked off twice in his start with the Cleveland Browns. You know I think he's trying to get the NFL coin collection by playing on every single team. Tampa Bay, Baltimore, Seattle, and now Cleveland. If you can find me a bigger starting QB whore still active today, send him my way. I need him for my flag football team. Ok maybe not. In Nick at Nite terms it would be WKRP beating the crap out of Drew Carey. Sorry kids, but that's how it goes. Now let's pick up some retainers and head to week 2. (Cincin)Natti Ice 27, Mervin Duckwith (Cleveland) 13

Next Week's Key Prediction: Burger King Mascot - 40 TDs on Sunday, 23 Million WTFs in households

Coffee Table Antics

It's amazing how one's drawing ability stays constant (or better) after drinking.

"Self Portrait on Plywood"

Permanent Marker and Color Pencil on Plywood

NFS