Back that Bass Up!

"Give a man a fish, and feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish, and he'll feed himself for a lifetime..." - Proverb

"...Make a competition about fish, and bore that man to death." - Gary Ashley

Tomarrow is going to be a very eventful and nationally-publicized day in my town of Kittanning. A day that hasn't had this much national coverage since The Mothman Prophecies was filmed in 2000 and Richard Gere was nearly steamrolled by an obsessed female fan. The are no guy fans of Richard Gere.

Kittanning is having a fishing tournament. But not just any fishing tournament. A fishing tournament on ESPN. Most likely to be aired on daytime, where on ESPN if there's an event that decides a winner and a loser, they'll air it on daytime. You name it: chess matches, paper football tournaments, billiards, and probably a few other things. A lot of local hoopla has been poured into this nationally televised event.

I have two words for it: Bo. Ring.

Fishing for 5 straight hours is like waiting in the dentist office: you may end up reading an interesting article in Newsweek that you never quite finish, or you just plain fall asleep and wake up when something happens. There's a reason why dad and I don't care for fishing: why hunt for something that you can get at the supermarket?

But fear not, fellow fishing fans that I have not yet turned away in this article. With the wide sponsorship and even wider contestant field, I have devised a few temporary rules to spice up the competition in whole. Hey, if it worked for Texas Hold Em, It can certainly work here. The format to this is mentioning a rule already in place, and changing it to better suit the excitment and thrilling drama that is a fishing tournament.

Here we go.

OLD: Competitors stay a fair distance away from each other to not disturb the fish.
TO BE CHANGED TO: "Captain Blackbeard Rule": Fisherman can board other's boats and steal their fish.

OLD: Biggest fish wins the tournament.
TO BE CHANGED TO: "Kennywood Duck Pond Rule": certain fish are numbered. Bring the numbered fish back to the prize table and get yourself a small prize; a plastic kazoo, army solider, or maybe a small stuffed animal.

OLD: Prestigious trophy and huge winnings given to the tournament champion.
TO BE CHANGED TO: "Wal-Mart $14.99 Father's Day Gift Rule": Winner's trophy is the winning fish caught, gutted, and stuffed with animatronics to be his own Singing Billy Trophy Bass. The only trophy that sings "Take Me to the River". Classic.

OLD: One main purse with prize money for the top finishers.
TO BE CHANGED TO: "Scavenger Hunt Jackpot Rule": Bonus money awarded for each part of the car pulled from the bottom of the river.

OLD: Fishermen remain focused and ready to catch fish for 5 hours.
TO BE CHANGED TO: "BYOB Rule": Contest carries a 5 drink minimum.

OLD: Fishermen equipped with high speed, high tech fishing boats equipped to spot fish.
TO BE CHANGED TO: "Real Men of Genius Rule": Competitors start with a roll of duc tape and are asked to build their own boat.

OLD: Three-day wide celebration with games and booths, culminating with the actual fishing tournament.
TO BE CHANGED TO: "Cost Cutting Rule": Hold all the major side events on the same day of the competition. Any professional reeler can catch a fish, but catching a fish during a rubber duckie race? Now that's hardcore.

OLD: Fishermen are registered and given designated numbers on their boat and clothes.
TO BE CHANGED TO: "Put the 'Tanning' in 'Kittanning' rule": Contestant registration numbers are farmer tanned onto their skin.

OLD: Five straight hours of fishing in 2 days.
TO BE CHANGED TO: "Uncle Ernie's Tacky Luau Rule": part of that 5 hours can be fished at night, however Wal-Mart tiki torches are mandatory.

With these rules in place the American Bass Tour, Wal-Mart, and the World Bass Council can expect record advertising revenue and sky high ratings unparalleled to anything shown on ESPN. And if it crashes and burns, well, they can replace it with a spelling bee or Texas Monopoly.