Fix the Blog, Baby: Bloggen Posten?

Since I've lost all sanity and the TM2 Productions main site is down, allow me to take this opportunity for a segment called "Fix the Blog, Baby", based off the "Fix the Joke" segment on Bob Zany's "Zany Report" from the Bob and Tom Show.

Today's language: sophisticated smart jargon (http://www.writtenhumor.com/smarter.html)
Blog: The Y3 (Gary's old blog before BtH)
Date: July 24th, 2004

"so the new comp is good morrow! Phr and I've had some spare hours to quota circumferential condole with it. for the quittance I all straight for it, I rage it was with credit integrity the short of money. refurbished is the way to go gloat over now on.

Dad wasn't too happy whenever I told him, pull* him to lay dough the "get a job" woman of the world stand up for all dad's are uncertain to do to their sons. One incommensurable purposeless call why I don't persuade oneself he was too cheery was original, hardware-wise, on board wasn't anything significantly without excuse express sympathy for scale the walls. except, abate me to clear the skirts of my reports legal reference works.

reasons for getting a new comp:
1) better off and plus buoyant connections at kettle drum and at National school (Norton Internet tenure is PIMP)
2) Allows me to use Citrix, which is a stand appropriate lets me advent the programs (such as MS Office) and files on RMU's network take to my comp
3) no drivers to bitter pill for Jumpdrive and digital camera
4) mundify video-editing capabilities (no in addition using mom and dad's comp or the labs express sympathy for the jumpdrive) using Windows movie Maker
5) more cogency feel grief in common with a faster comp

There ya go. I'm a communications captain for a by end."

Rhetorical analysis: This is bullshit. F+

Back that Bass Up!

"Give a man a fish, and feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish, and he'll feed himself for a lifetime..." - Proverb

"...Make a competition about fish, and bore that man to death." - Gary Ashley

Tomarrow is going to be a very eventful and nationally-publicized day in my town of Kittanning. A day that hasn't had this much national coverage since The Mothman Prophecies was filmed in 2000 and Richard Gere was nearly steamrolled by an obsessed female fan. The are no guy fans of Richard Gere.

Kittanning is having a fishing tournament. But not just any fishing tournament. A fishing tournament on ESPN. Most likely to be aired on daytime, where on ESPN if there's an event that decides a winner and a loser, they'll air it on daytime. You name it: chess matches, paper football tournaments, billiards, and probably a few other things. A lot of local hoopla has been poured into this nationally televised event.

I have two words for it: Bo. Ring.

Fishing for 5 straight hours is like waiting in the dentist office: you may end up reading an interesting article in Newsweek that you never quite finish, or you just plain fall asleep and wake up when something happens. There's a reason why dad and I don't care for fishing: why hunt for something that you can get at the supermarket?

But fear not, fellow fishing fans that I have not yet turned away in this article. With the wide sponsorship and even wider contestant field, I have devised a few temporary rules to spice up the competition in whole. Hey, if it worked for Texas Hold Em, It can certainly work here. The format to this is mentioning a rule already in place, and changing it to better suit the excitment and thrilling drama that is a fishing tournament.

Here we go.

OLD: Competitors stay a fair distance away from each other to not disturb the fish.
TO BE CHANGED TO: "Captain Blackbeard Rule": Fisherman can board other's boats and steal their fish.

OLD: Biggest fish wins the tournament.
TO BE CHANGED TO: "Kennywood Duck Pond Rule": certain fish are numbered. Bring the numbered fish back to the prize table and get yourself a small prize; a plastic kazoo, army solider, or maybe a small stuffed animal.

OLD: Prestigious trophy and huge winnings given to the tournament champion.
TO BE CHANGED TO: "Wal-Mart $14.99 Father's Day Gift Rule": Winner's trophy is the winning fish caught, gutted, and stuffed with animatronics to be his own Singing Billy Trophy Bass. The only trophy that sings "Take Me to the River". Classic.

OLD: One main purse with prize money for the top finishers.
TO BE CHANGED TO: "Scavenger Hunt Jackpot Rule": Bonus money awarded for each part of the car pulled from the bottom of the river.

OLD: Fishermen remain focused and ready to catch fish for 5 hours.
TO BE CHANGED TO: "BYOB Rule": Contest carries a 5 drink minimum.

OLD: Fishermen equipped with high speed, high tech fishing boats equipped to spot fish.
TO BE CHANGED TO: "Real Men of Genius Rule": Competitors start with a roll of duc tape and are asked to build their own boat.

OLD: Three-day wide celebration with games and booths, culminating with the actual fishing tournament.
TO BE CHANGED TO: "Cost Cutting Rule": Hold all the major side events on the same day of the competition. Any professional reeler can catch a fish, but catching a fish during a rubber duckie race? Now that's hardcore.

OLD: Fishermen are registered and given designated numbers on their boat and clothes.
TO BE CHANGED TO: "Put the 'Tanning' in 'Kittanning' rule": Contestant registration numbers are farmer tanned onto their skin.

OLD: Five straight hours of fishing in 2 days.
TO BE CHANGED TO: "Uncle Ernie's Tacky Luau Rule": part of that 5 hours can be fished at night, however Wal-Mart tiki torches are mandatory.

With these rules in place the American Bass Tour, Wal-Mart, and the World Bass Council can expect record advertising revenue and sky high ratings unparalleled to anything shown on ESPN. And if it crashes and burns, well, they can replace it with a spelling bee or Texas Monopoly.

Goodbye, Hello

Testing out the new picture feature, thankfully gonna be better since Hello doesn't work on campus.

Iron Photoshop Ingredient: Random party shot of your friend's Webshot picture. 

Me, the Shoulder Devil, and the LED Signboard (Continued)

So now after this whole mess in Indiana I casually searched up LED Signs just to see what they were being sold for. There was already one I knew of from College Humor: The LED Belt Buckle (www.scrollingbuckle.com), which is not only ginormous but holds a fairly lengthy message (256 characters, 4 messages.) Only downside is that using it in public results in everyone reading your crotch, practically.

So after searching up one that sells new for $200 (OUCH), it was off to eBay. If eBay were a brick-and-mortar store, it would seriously be about the size of Kansas. It was there that the search hit its intended high point: a 38" LED signboard being auctioned off for $13 plus $25 S&H ( as of this evening.) Considering how they retail for assloads of money, this was a steal.

It also brought to mind an interesting way on how to use it.

You know how in cartoons the devil and angel versions of the character pop up when the character's trying to make a good decision? Well it pretty much happened here.

The intended plan is to blow every half-naked girl poster and cheap frilly Spencer's room toy out of the water by putting it near the window and flashing messages to the people outside.

First, the Angel version of Gary: shoulder angel Gary says to me that I can advertise friend's sites, concerts, and events and make some profit out of it. Or maybe also advertise school events and then make it an alumni donation to wherever on campus they want it.

The Devil version of Gary: he says "fuck no!" to that idea and advises using it for mischevious purposes, in the form of "News you can't use." Every so often the board would read funny, albeit fake news headlines of "events" going on campus.

A few examples:

"STUDENT HUNGER STRIKE CANCELLED DUE TO LACK OF INTEREST; NO FREE PIZZA WAS OFFERED"

"CAMPUS POLICE TO HOLD 50/50 RAFFLE; COMMUTERS MORE LIKELY TO RECEIVE TICKETS"

"NEW DISCOVERY FINDS THAT SUNDIAL IS NOT FOR DECORATION, DOUBLES AS SOLAR POWERED WATCH"

"PAPERBOY IN SNAIL COSTUME MAKES FOR A SLOW NEWS DAY"

"STUDENT WITH HIGH MEAL PLAN PROVES TO HIS FRIENDS THAT THERE IS SUCH A THING AS A FREE LUNCH"

"NEW STUDY: THINGS THAT GO BUMP IN THE NIGHT ACTUALLY GO BUMP, CRASH, AND 'OWWW!' IN THE NIGHT"

but of course, take that idea with a dumptruck of salt.

Then again, if you and your friends can pool together some money and buy the sign, it ends in 3 days and makes a great addition to any dorm window. Sure beats posters of half-naked women you'll never meet in your life.

Or if not that, you can start your office pool now on which hypothetical day the cops would come to confiscate it.

Me, the Shoulder Devil, and the LED Signboard

There it was, sitting on a shelf in a pawn shop.

ok, wait, hold on. Let's backup for a minute.

Today was spent in downtown Indiana, PA and in the mall of the same name as well. The two main goals of the day were to find hopes of employment and to sell off some old Playstation games that aren't played anymore. since Plan A's hopes were quickly dashed, it was all up to the latter goal. To give you some idea of what Gary's trying to sell, it consists of two Playstation controllers, about ten PS games (all sports titles), two SNES games, and one NES controller. This was the stuff that didn't sell at the yard sale or the flea market.

The first logical stop is Electronics Boutique in the mall. Ok, maybe it wasn't the most logical stop, because if you're a gaming consumer you'll know that any games traded in will probably result in mere pennies in store credit. And, you guessed it, that's what I got: $2.15 for everything in store credit. As the clerk said "enough to buy a pair of fingernail clippers for the guy ahead of you." The guy ahead of me had manicured wolverine fingernails.
The opposite of man hands.

Not wanting to absolutely shafted, he suggests taking the games over to a pawn shop downtown. Best idea I've heard in a while. However, the shop closes at 5 pm and it was about 4:25 when I left the mall, so it was rush time.

Cut to: the pawn shop.

I was already familiar with the place before because I was in there a couple of times when myself and Chris worked at Intersearch in 2000. And fast forwarding 5 years to the present, the same headache inducing pot/nicotine smell of the place was (un)freshly preserved. The guy takes all the games and controllers in exchange for $15 store credit. A far far cry from two packs of gum and sales tax.

Now came the dilemma that remained unfinished: What do you buy with $15 from a pawn shop? Golf clubs? no, already have a set. Playstation games? Have a glass of irony, most of the games were outdated sports titles. TV, DVD Player? already have both, but the parents could use a DVD player. Well, a new one at least.

I'm pretty sure I spent next to an hour trying to find something useful to buy with $15, but looking through the collection of CDs that were more like a "Hits of 1995" selection the hopes were quite dashed. Then came the front window stuff, complete with a few sirens, black lights, and other stuff that was ludicrously overpaid at Spencer's at one time.

and that's where I saw it.

An LED signboard.

and that's when my hopes were again dashed, when the guy said "I don't think that's for sale, buddy." After perusing for a good 15 mins after they closed, they gave me a receipt and I left. and coughed from the fifth-hand smoke inhalation and weird hash smell.

CONTINUED ABOVE