2006 Twin Lakes Celebrity Showdown Live Call-In

Celebrity Drink Madness

The other night I had this dream where I was in a video store shopping for a movie purchase or rental. During this dream I came across a can of Steven Segal’s “Bloodsport Energy Drink,” a red and black 20 ounce aluminum can with Mr. Segal in an angry Ghandi fighting stance. Looking downward I saw the orange sticker and the clearance video store price of 35 cents. After tasting the drink the scene changed to my house with a guitar player and my girlfriend. Apparently the guys running the dream in my head couldn’t think of the appropriate taste for “Cherry water with plastic,” so they figured, “Ahh hell let’s change the scene and put him with a girl.”

It seems that these days the energy drink market is becoming over saturated with every Red Bull knockoff and guarana-enhanced soft drink possible. The second wave of this energy drink madness is not brand new products manufactured by major companies, but rather celebrity-endorsed drinks made as pet projects.

Today professional wrestling icon Hulk Hogan, riding off of the success of his VH1 reality show and already-famous pro wrestling celebrity status, has now thrown his red and yellow hat into the ring of energy drinks. In fact, a good portion of his new season will give behind-the-scenes looks at the making of this poor waste of water and plants with Hogan and former WCW president Eric Bischoff marketing this into the ground.

I can only imagine the very first TV commercial. Here’s an excerpt with Hogan loaded on about 5 cans of his own product, and the Batshitometer at about 35:

“WELL LET ME TELL YA SOMETHING, GENE! WHEN YOU START DRINKING THE HULK ENERGY AND START FUCKING HULKING WITH ALL YOUR FELLOW HULKAMANIACS, YOU'LL THINK EVERYONE'S ANDRE THE GIANT, BROTHER! AND YOU'LL GO ON A MAD FUCKING BODY SLAMMING SPREE IN A SHOPPING MALL, BROTHER! DON’T SAY ANYMORE VITAMINS AND EAT ANYMORE PRAYERS, YOU GOT ALL THE HOLY FLINTSTONES IN THIS CAN, GENE! SO WHATCHA GONNA DO, BROTHER!? WHEN YOU DRINK THE HULK ENERGY AND YOUR FUCKING HEART JUMPS OUT OF YOUR CHEST AND RUNS WILD ON YOU!?”

Set your Tivos for that event.

Now after this revelation I wondered how many celebrity energy drinks are on the market. After Googling “Steven Segal” and “energy drink”, my search landed me on the tech/geek/gamer site Xoxide, and into the madness of three reviewed energy boosters of choice.

First Celebrity Drink: Steven Segal’s Lightning Bolt Energy Drink

Price: $2.49 a can (on sale)
Select Ingredients: Tibetan Goji Berry, Asian Cordyceps, B-Vitamins, Green Tea, Yerba Mate, Ginseng, Ginkgo Biloba, Guarana, and Policosanols
Probably Feels Like: Steven Segal just punched through your chest to grab his coat on a hanger, and then passed the coat through the opening in your body

I’m not exactly sure if I can count this as a celebrity drink since Steven Segal has lost his celeb status while deep in the mountains of Tibet and the jungles of Asia finding ingredients for his concoction. Then again, I dare you to name a critically-acclaimed Steven Segal movie that does not include the words “Under” or “Siege”. The ingredients above are probably all available at your local grocery store under less fancy names. The features of the drink according to Xoxide best describe the drink to its maximum potential:

“100% Pure Steven Segal Juice”

Yup, the drink tastes like Steven Segal’s man juice. Interestingly enough one of the flavors is called “Asian Experience”, and was coined after he made love to an entire village of women at the same time. “Fire Down Below” indeed!

“Designed for intense mortal combat or any extreme situation requiring ultimate energy”

In the rare situation that you are fighting your best friend to the death, wrestling a grizzly bear at the state fair, or feel like flipping over a car by yourself, this drink will come in handy.

“Can has Steven Seagal’s face on it (who could ask for more!?!)”

Just because it has Steven Segal’s face on the cover doesn’t mean it is going to be an instant seller. Google “Steve Segal + DVD Sales” and prepared to be disappointed.

Second Celebrity Drink: Nelly’s Pimp Juice

Price: $1.89 a can
Select Ingredients: Vitamins, Taurine, 100mg of Guarana Caffeine, and D-Ribose; Glows bright green around UV Light
Probably Feels Like: The yearly disappointment of the Rams missing the Super Bowl

No surprise that a rapper like Nelly is breaching out of the music industry to jump into other ventures. It is also no surprise that this is the second energy drink that alludes to the celebrity endorser’s semen. The product is designed to look like a beer can with “Pimp Juice” written in a Miller-esque format. When you realize that you’re a moron for buying and drinking this crap, that’s when you’re living the Low Life.

You can immediately tell that a product of this amount of coolness and gangstability does not belong on a tech/geek site such as Xoxide. Allow me to show why from select lines of the product description:

“Nelly’s Pimp Juice is for all those who know ‘pimp'n ain't easy.’"

“Imagine the looks on everyone’s faces at your next LAN party as you are transformed into a manic frag monster after quaffing this bright glowing green concoction.”

“Buy pimp juice now and be the first to walk your street with a glorious pimped out aura that will attract the opposite sex like something out of a rap video.”

This would be a good time to consult your Oxford English Contradictionary. To make it easier I’ll edit the last one to fit the second:

“Buy pimple cream now and be the first to walk your street with a glorious aura of sweat that will retract the opposite sex like something out of your hot chick anime video collection.”

Conclusion: Buy Nelly’s drink only if the only dance club you attended was in Azeroth and collect frequent fapper miles with naked girls from previously said location.

So there are two examples of ingestible drinks. How about an alternative?

Third Celebrity Drink: Caffeinated Soap
Price: $7.99 per bar
Select Ingredients: peppermint oil, caffeine anhydrous, soap
Probably Feels Like: Herbal Essence meets Cornholio

For when you are the ultimate multitasker that is too lazy to drink coffee in the shower, or according to Xoxide: “Know any programmers who don't regularly bathe and need some special motivation?”, along comes the love child of Juan Valdez and Tyler Durden, Caffeinated Soap.

Unlike our previous energy boosters/sperm donations mentioned previously in this article, the caffeine is ingested through the skin rather than the hard way of over the lips and through the tongue. We can only imagine that after some time where the product user becomes addicted to caffeine soap that they switch to decaf. Or as us regular humans call it, soap.

So there you have it folks. Soap on crack, two celebrity drinks made entirely of reproductive material, and another celebrity riding on success that enters the market. As a public service announcement, do not feel surprised if at some point in your life you see Hulk Hogan, Steven Segal, or Nelly on a 20 oz can in your local video store on sale for 35 cents.

That would be a dream come true.