Winter Olympics Recap from a "True Expert"

And thus the Games of the Umpteenth Winter Olympiad have come to a close in Turin, Italy. For all other countries outside of the United States, this was an olympic games to remember. Or forget, actually.

I feel that by watching 35 TOTAL minutes of the fartnight that was the Winter Olympic games that it was, I qualify as an expert on explaning some random thoughts and opinions of the Turin Games. And away we go.

1) Bode Miller, Bubby Brister. Bubby Brister, Bode Miller.

2) The 1500M speed skating gold medal when put in a CD player and played backwards faintly speaks the lyrics "Paul is dead."

3) Nike has just hired the US biathalon team also as a part of their next advertising campaign: a firing squad at the advertisers who thought of the Bode Miller ad campaign.

4) Michelle Kwan's withdrawal with a football-to-the-groin-induced groin injury was indeed tragic and covered for 45 hours. She may not have a gold medal, but she is certainly guranteed a lead for Disney's Mulan on Ice. Eddie Murphy will lace 'em up as the wise firejokecracking dragon.

5) Memo to the NHL and NBA, CC to the US Olympic Hockey and Basketball Teams: Next time, go for ragtag amateurs that want to win instead of ragtag professionals that make $20 million a season. It's bad enough that the US's only win in the preliminary rounds was against the home country of Borat, Kahakzstan. Then again, they do have the cleanest prostitutes in all of central Asia.

6) Curling is the new World Series of Poker. World Series of Poker is the new Figure Skating. Figure Skating is the new Baseball. Baseball is the new....umm....Curling? New slogan: "Passing a stone is no longer painful!"

7) Christopher Walken on Norway: "Guess what!? They gotta fevah! And the only prescription, is MORE COWBELL!"

8) Best of both worlds: Splice in the audio from the Shot Put and Hammer Throw from the Summer Olympic games and put them in before any figure skater does a jump. Triple axeled hilarity ensues.

9) The 2010 Games in Vancouver's Olympic mascot will be so weird and foreign that Canada itself will deny coming up with the concept. Rumors floating that the mascot will consist of happy thoughts, air, and Molson.

10) Lindsay Jacobellis, Neil O'Donnell. Neil O'Donnell, Lindsay Jacobellis.

11) Ice Dancing at the Olympics? enh. Ice Dancing at your high school's winter formal? a little better. Ice Dancing with the Stars? passing. Ice BreakDancing? BRILLIANT!

12) Closing Ceremonies with clowns. Boy, I bet that struck a panic with a lot of people.

Thus concludes my random thoughts on the Winter Games of 20XX.

Now if you'll excuse me, I'll be recreating the 1980 Miracle on Ice using the NES's Ice Hockey.

YES! FAT GUY BELIEVES IN MIRACLES!