Stand on Your Soapbox

Here comes a post from the wayback machine. And you can tell it's going to be good because I put clipart in this post.

For those reading this that are not familiar with my hometown of Kittanning, PA, you don't really need to read into it much. It's a lot like any commonplace town in the area, with a Wal-Mart and odd people that shop at the Wal-Mart. In the west area of Kittanning is the only known adult book store in the town, Illusions. Which, oddly enough, is adjecent to a pizza shop. The local adult book store near campus is in the same area as a daycare. Go figure.

But now that you have some background let's fire up the flux capacitator and go back to 1999. Gary's in high school, and Lewinsky jokes are sadly frequented. Illusions was doing some good business, but not that anyone seemingly knew that. There are two eyes painted on the side of the building and it's been around since and probably before I was born. As a kid I asked dad about the place and he said "Never, EVER go in there."

Thus he instilled that the Illusions building was in fact the gateway to hell. Quite the opposite now as an adult.

Illusions decided to expand and put in a second location about 3 minutes from my house in the rural areas of Kittanning, just off the highway. Here's the problem, and the main discussion of the post, lies. About a good 200 yards from the expanded porn shop is, you guessed it, a church. The "what could possibly go wrong?" card is now in play.

Of course many residents within the community were rightfully peeved, displaying "NO PORN" signs in the front of their lawns, which is totally understandable and free speech. However, it is not acceptable to protest with a message that results in people protesting the person protesting.

Enter the washing machine.

About one week after the expanded store opened down the road from the church, the intersection that goes onto the highway greeted travelers with an olive green washing machine with "NO PORN" spray painted on both sides in deer-hunter orange. It's one thing to protest a cause, but to use a perfectly inoperable washing machine? no. The thing was a total eyesore.

Enter the juvenile vigiliante aeshthetic task force. Or in simpler terms, hoodlums from the high school.

From word passed around in high school one day a few kids allegedly made several large-scale dents in the washer, preferably on press, and then tipped the fugly signboard onto its side for none to be seen. This wasn't a win in the war against the right to look at boobies, but rather a war against displaying a message that displays the intelligence of the surrounding community in a negative light.

For 3 weeks the washing machine-turned signboard stayed that way, through rain and snow accumulation, and even when the backlash of the community caused the expanded place to shut down and move (and the building later housed a karate school, citing a "they'd better mop the floors" comment at the time), the No Porn washing machine in all it's ugliness was still there.

As to what happened exactly happened to it remains a mystery, but it brings up some interesting advice. If you're going to protest a cause, do not go so outlandish that people forget the original message and instead protest you for being an embarassment to the cause.

This public service announcement brought to you by Maytag.

When Icy Hot Attacks!

This Sunday the Pittsburgh Steelers will be traveling square into Icy Hot Ground Zero to hopefully destroy Cleveland's retarded half brother on steroids, the Cincinasty Bengals. The Bengals in all fairness have had a run of good luck this season, mainly with their turnover ratio finally in black ink instead of red ink as in years before. The Steelers have come down with a case of the Injured Mannings, referring to one Tommy Maddox to contribute to two of the Steelers losses this year. But a side reason to Cincinasty's success with the football this season is largely due to the colorful celebrations of the man that icons the term "Icy Hot Stunta", Chad Johnson.

Chad Johnson this season has done more things with the 10 yards of end zone and football that previously could not have been done before. In addition to his post-touchdown schenanery, he's received quite a bit of flack from his head coach and from the NFL, not too mention this guy writing this post. People have contemplated on how far Chad Johnson is willing to go on his end zone celebrations. And from the way things are progressing, I think he'll think of something.

Picture theorhetically that Cincinasty does defeat the Steelers. Theorhetically, as in "Ben gets injured in the 1st quarter, Maddox throws 5 INTs and the Bengals win". Now, picture theorhetically that the Bengays go all the way to Detroit, preferably not in a prison cruiser. Super-sized Super Bowl XL, Bengals vs. Seahawks/Panthers/whoever. Chad Johnson catches a touchdown pass.

Now for someone that has riverdanced, putted, pushed-up, CPRed, Santa Claused, Proposed, and Understated in the end zone this year, Here's what I think will be the Chad Johnson be-all end-all Icy Hot touchdown celebrations, in order:

1) Animatronic Jesus descends from the roof of Ford Field, Chad hands the ball to the big guy
2) 85-gun Marine corps gun salute begins in honor of #85
3) Chad hugs Detroit Pistons player Ben Wallace
4) Michael Flattley joins Johnson for a 15 minute segment of Riverdancing
5) Chad follows it up by imitating a swingset under the goal posts
6) Ends it by "Uncle Ned to his nephew" fake/no-fake handing the ball to the ref.

The amount of penalties caused from the celebration causes Cincinnatti to kick the extra point from Canada with the roof open.

Steelers, win Sunday so that the only commercials we see are during breaks in the game, not after touchdowns.

And for more Steelers hype on rubbing out the Icy Hot, click here for some Scott Paulsen Steelers Stuff, Including "Cinncinatti s.u.c.k.s." in the tune of WKRP in Cincy.