(worst) EPIC MOVIE (ever.)
I am officially convinced that the upcoming "Epic Movie" written by Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer and produced by Regency Films is a "That Guy" portrayal of every video taped work of 2006.
The two minute trailer goes as follows:
(0:10) - We are taken to a Chronic(what?)cles of Narnia-like intro with a voiceover. A poor ripoff of a healthy Lindsay Lohan enters the rooms and opens a wardrobe closet.
(0:26) - Said wardrobe closet opens with a buncha stuff falling on her. And of course when there's random crap falling from a specific location, you gotta include a "cat screaming" sound effect. Ok seriously WTF, who puts their cat in there with a buncha random stuff!? And I'm certain that cat isn't living by the time Lacey Lohan opens it! This joke was funnier on Full House. No wait, correction: Step by Step. Projectile to the Head Joke Count: 1
(0:34) - We cut to an airplane, no doubt a parody of the widely-buzzed movie "Snakes on a Plane" that did not put Food on a Table. Playing the part of Samuel L. Jackson is a poor man's David Allen Grier dressed in all leather. He proclaims he's "had it with these damn snakes on this plane." A woman in the front, no doubt a poor woman's Wanda Sykes, is covered in snakes and not biting her in any sort of areas. She tells him to get a knife or Raid or something. Who wants to bet me your 5 year old cousin could write a better scene using crayons, elbow macaroni, and glitter?
(0:42) Pamuel L. Grier (the Sam Jackson ripoff) throws Wanda Sykes off the plane where she falls onto a bad imitiation of Paris Hilton. The scene was so fake you'd swear she was falling on the ACTUAL Paris Hilton. Projectile to the Head Joke Count: 2
(0:48) Cut to a medieval setting with our apperent lead characters. Kal Penn stars in this movie, noted for recent bomb "Van Wilder 2: Van got a nice paying job and you've ruined his legacy you f***ing f***", and also "Harrold and Kumar Go To White Castle" for when you wanna have bro rape. A talking animatronic beaver similar to the "Gus the Groundhog" ads for the PA State Lottery announces to them that "You're the future kings and queens of Gnarnia." Yes, the G is silent. I may not like Disney much, but I hope they sue this movie for copyright infringement. Lacey Lohan changes facial expressions exclaiming "OMG! A talking beaver!" and punts him into a tree. Expect plenty of cheap beaver/vagina jokes in this movie.
Already this movie will mean nothing in 2 months.
(0:57) Cut to a creepy old dude dressed as Harry Potter who looks like that non-trad in your Mircoeconomics class that sits in the front row and is the only one that joins in on lectures. He explains he's 14. Lacey Lohan gets a woody.
(1:04) Cut to Willy Wonka's Chocolate Factory where Kal Penn drinks shit from a river. This is actually the best part of the trailer because while it's not funny, it just serves as harmless filler.
(1:12) Cut to Halloween costumes of The X-Men complete with Magneto wearing a helmet sporting a double-ended dong shaped like a magnet. A buncha random medieval silverware attachs to his body then a huge kettle hits him in the head. Projectile to the Head Joke Count: 3
(1:19) We are taken to a parody of MTV's Cribs and the correct spelling of Gnarnia. Much like the actual show being parodied, I liked this joke back in 2003. The goat-man looks like that comedian from the Cindy Margolis Show, as we are taken inside to bikini-clad goat women. Yeah, 6 random hot goat-women live at your place. One of them must be his mom. The-Guy-That-Wishes-He-Was-Jim-Breuer-Doing-The-Goat-Boy-Skit calls out to "Diddy", no doubt an Afrogoat-American parody of the actual person. He then throws a wine bottle at his end. Projectile to the Head Joke Count: 4
(1:35) Cut to the Pirates of the Caribbean, and in a means of pissing off every college-aged comedy lover, they ungreatfully parody the SNL Digital Skit "Lazy Sunday": "We are the pirates (WHAT!?) of the Caribbean!" Included in there is a Flava Flav ripoff and random hunnies.
(1:41) No horrible comedy movie is complete without a fat man in a skull and crossbones speedo. Johnny Deppthroat screams in horror.
(1:48) The title of the movie, so you know which door not to go into when you arrive at the cinaplex.
(1:50) - Superman parody with the famous "firey gunshot to the eye" scene from the previews. It should be noted that Superman is more British and less gay in this version. Stuporman complains about being shot in the eye and falls off a building. Projectile to the Head Joke Count: 5
(1:59) - And as if you haven't pissed off your college audience enough, we are treated to the worst Borat impersonator in the history of time wearing the green one-piece saying "nice!"
(2:01) - The credits, aka "list of people that need to be pipe bombed"
I just saved you two minutes of your life. Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer are the writers of this wasted trash, whom you may know from their work with 4 really good writers in "Scary Movie" and their other solo suckfest "Date Movie".
Don't believe my explanation? Here's the actual trailer:
Facebook people click here
The two minute trailer goes as follows:
(0:10) - We are taken to a Chronic(what?)cles of Narnia-like intro with a voiceover. A poor ripoff of a healthy Lindsay Lohan enters the rooms and opens a wardrobe closet.
(0:26) - Said wardrobe closet opens with a buncha stuff falling on her. And of course when there's random crap falling from a specific location, you gotta include a "cat screaming" sound effect. Ok seriously WTF, who puts their cat in there with a buncha random stuff!? And I'm certain that cat isn't living by the time Lacey Lohan opens it! This joke was funnier on Full House. No wait, correction: Step by Step. Projectile to the Head Joke Count: 1
(0:34) - We cut to an airplane, no doubt a parody of the widely-buzzed movie "Snakes on a Plane" that did not put Food on a Table. Playing the part of Samuel L. Jackson is a poor man's David Allen Grier dressed in all leather. He proclaims he's "had it with these damn snakes on this plane." A woman in the front, no doubt a poor woman's Wanda Sykes, is covered in snakes and not biting her in any sort of areas. She tells him to get a knife or Raid or something. Who wants to bet me your 5 year old cousin could write a better scene using crayons, elbow macaroni, and glitter?
(0:42) Pamuel L. Grier (the Sam Jackson ripoff) throws Wanda Sykes off the plane where she falls onto a bad imitiation of Paris Hilton. The scene was so fake you'd swear she was falling on the ACTUAL Paris Hilton. Projectile to the Head Joke Count: 2
(0:48) Cut to a medieval setting with our apperent lead characters. Kal Penn stars in this movie, noted for recent bomb "Van Wilder 2: Van got a nice paying job and you've ruined his legacy you f***ing f***", and also "Harrold and Kumar Go To White Castle" for when you wanna have bro rape. A talking animatronic beaver similar to the "Gus the Groundhog" ads for the PA State Lottery announces to them that "You're the future kings and queens of Gnarnia." Yes, the G is silent. I may not like Disney much, but I hope they sue this movie for copyright infringement. Lacey Lohan changes facial expressions exclaiming "OMG! A talking beaver!" and punts him into a tree. Expect plenty of cheap beaver/vagina jokes in this movie.
Already this movie will mean nothing in 2 months.
(0:57) Cut to a creepy old dude dressed as Harry Potter who looks like that non-trad in your Mircoeconomics class that sits in the front row and is the only one that joins in on lectures. He explains he's 14. Lacey Lohan gets a woody.
(1:04) Cut to Willy Wonka's Chocolate Factory where Kal Penn drinks shit from a river. This is actually the best part of the trailer because while it's not funny, it just serves as harmless filler.
(1:12) Cut to Halloween costumes of The X-Men complete with Magneto wearing a helmet sporting a double-ended dong shaped like a magnet. A buncha random medieval silverware attachs to his body then a huge kettle hits him in the head. Projectile to the Head Joke Count: 3
(1:19) We are taken to a parody of MTV's Cribs and the correct spelling of Gnarnia. Much like the actual show being parodied, I liked this joke back in 2003. The goat-man looks like that comedian from the Cindy Margolis Show, as we are taken inside to bikini-clad goat women. Yeah, 6 random hot goat-women live at your place. One of them must be his mom. The-Guy-That-Wishes-He-Was-Jim-Breuer-Doing-The-Goat-Boy-Skit calls out to "Diddy", no doubt an Afrogoat-American parody of the actual person. He then throws a wine bottle at his end. Projectile to the Head Joke Count: 4
(1:35) Cut to the Pirates of the Caribbean, and in a means of pissing off every college-aged comedy lover, they ungreatfully parody the SNL Digital Skit "Lazy Sunday": "We are the pirates (WHAT!?) of the Caribbean!" Included in there is a Flava Flav ripoff and random hunnies.
(1:41) No horrible comedy movie is complete without a fat man in a skull and crossbones speedo. Johnny Deppthroat screams in horror.
(1:48) The title of the movie, so you know which door not to go into when you arrive at the cinaplex.
(1:50) - Superman parody with the famous "firey gunshot to the eye" scene from the previews. It should be noted that Superman is more British and less gay in this version. Stuporman complains about being shot in the eye and falls off a building. Projectile to the Head Joke Count: 5
(1:59) - And as if you haven't pissed off your college audience enough, we are treated to the worst Borat impersonator in the history of time wearing the green one-piece saying "nice!"
(2:01) - The credits, aka "list of people that need to be pipe bombed"
I just saved you two minutes of your life. Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer are the writers of this wasted trash, whom you may know from their work with 4 really good writers in "Scary Movie" and their other solo suckfest "Date Movie".
Don't believe my explanation? Here's the actual trailer:
Facebook people click here
Labels: Worst Movie Ever
posted by Gary at
7:41 AM
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